I always used to believe Prince Charming would be the one to sweep me off of my feet. He'd be kind, loving, generous, considerate, and, of course, handsome. However, with a thorough contemplation on this topic, I have come to realize something: the typical Disney-based notion of Prince Charming is not real, nor is it realistic. (I know, I should've realized this before, right?)
Prince Charming is nothing but a figment of the imagination; no one is flawless or perfect. No one is kind, generous, loving, and considerate without a fault or vice of some sort. Unfortunately, people everywhere hang on to that ridiculous notion and dream of Prince Charming finally coming to sweep them off their feet and ride off into the sunset on his majestic white steed. Now, there are those who claim to have found their very own Prince Charming: flaws and all.
I say: Good for them but it's not for me. I don't want to be swept off my feet for my head to be in the clouds, I want to be pushed down by the sheer intensity of our feelings combined. I don't want the happy, open, gift-giving, and proud man. I want the almost silent (perhaps surly) proud man. I want the challenge of opening him up to me, I want to have to earn his trust, to know his secrets, thoughts, and emotions. I don't want him to remember silly events, and "month" anniversaries and give elaborate gifts for these events. That way, when he does remember or does give me something it'll be all the more special.
I don't want to see him smile or hear him laugh all the time so that when he does, I can treasure it all the more. I want him to be guarded and proud, not spewing random facts about himself, at least at first. I want the chance to break down those barriers and understand him the way no one else has before. I want to have to fight for his love, even if the only opponent is himself.
No, my type of guy isn't the "bad boy" type but he's certainly not Prince Charming either. Beneath the surface, Prince Charming may very well be a genuine jerk, an abuser - either physically or emotionally. Beneath my type of guy is someone who has experienced some of the harsh conditions of the world and consequently wants to love and be loved, wholly and unconditionally. Maybe I'll never actually find my "ideal" guy and fall for someone who is totally different, but one thing I do know: he won't be Prince Charming and I won't be swept off my feet. If he is Prince Charming and I am swept away, then something will be terribly wrong and he will not be the one I love.
He will not have a name to be classified by but he will knock me down and be there to cushion my fall.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Prince Charming: Not for Me.
I wrote this ages ago but figured I'd post it ... some things have changed, others haven't:
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Now Playing.
I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaack.
I'm officially finished this semester after spending 8 sleepless nights writing 6 papers/essays which ended up being 58 pages and approximately 12,000 words in total. Hooray!
Anyway, I've been wanting to post this song for a while. I really love it. The first time I heard it was on "So You Think You Can Dance" Season 5 when Travis Wall (I adore him) choreographed a contemporary piece for Jeanine and Jason:
So gorgeous and intense - Jason accidentally ripped Jeanine's dress ;)
But my true love is definitely the song, there's so much meaning behind it and I absolutely adore it.
"Well all I really wanna do is love you - a kind much closer than friends use, but I still can't say it after all we've been through."
Jason Mraz is a genius:
I hope you enjoy!
I'm officially finished this semester after spending 8 sleepless nights writing 6 papers/essays which ended up being 58 pages and approximately 12,000 words in total. Hooray!
Anyway, I've been wanting to post this song for a while. I really love it. The first time I heard it was on "So You Think You Can Dance" Season 5 when Travis Wall (I adore him) choreographed a contemporary piece for Jeanine and Jason:
So gorgeous and intense - Jason accidentally ripped Jeanine's dress ;)
But my true love is definitely the song, there's so much meaning behind it and I absolutely adore it.
"Well all I really wanna do is love you - a kind much closer than friends use, but I still can't say it after all we've been through."
Jason Mraz is a genius:
I hope you enjoy!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Ch-ch-changes Part II
Here's a pic of my latest hair cut:
What do you think?
;)
As promised, pics of all my other crazy hair cuts will come as soon as I'm not too busy to compile them.
What do you think?
;)
As promised, pics of all my other crazy hair cuts will come as soon as I'm not too busy to compile them.
Ch-ch-changes
I got my hair cut today. I chopped off 3 inches, wanted more, so I got another 2 inces taken off.
What's the point of telling you how I got my hair cut? I've realized that I cut my hair when my life changes somehow. This trend goes all the way back to when I was 12 years old actually. I had just celebrated my "graduation" from the 6th grade and was going into my first year of junior high. My hair was about elbow-length and I got it cut into a bob just below my ears.
During junior high I grew my hair out again ... part of it was because I got bullied by this one girl who said I looked like a boy. Half-way through 9th grade I cut it extremely short again - it was edgy and a bit punk-rock, just like me. At that point in my life I was going through a lot; my best friend had left me for the girl that bullied me in 8th grade, that stupid girl was ruining my life just by being in it, and I was starting my descent into my bouts of depression.
I kept my hair short for over a year, cutting it every 2 months until the end of my first year of high school (grade 10). It was at that time that I was starting to really be happy again.
I didn't cut my hair again until after my high school graduation, two years later. The day after the graduaton banquet/dance I chopped off 10 inches of my hair and donated it to the cancer society to make wigs. This time, when I cut my hair, I wasn't upset, I was happy. I'd just completed my high school experience, I had a boyfriend, I knew who my true friends were, and I was about to embark on my university experience.
About 6 months later, I'd finished my first semester of university, instead of cutting my hair, I dyed it. I changed the colour to signify that I was changing - I'd dumped my stupid boyfriend a few weeks prior, I'd survived my first semester, and I think, in a few ways, I was starting to grow up.
I didn't do anything else with my hair until this past December, I decided to wear the straight bangs again, like I did when I was a child, and had a ton of layers put in, like I did when I had it cut back in the 9th grade - just not as short. ;) I had just completed one of the toughest semesters I've had - I'd overcome failures and not punched one of my professors - even though I REALLY wanted to punch her, she was so infuriating! It was also one of those days that I felt good about myself - good enough to change my look a bit.
Which leads to my haircut today. Change is a-coming in my life! I don't want to get into too much detail about it because it's a little bit personal. In any case, I feel good, my life is on track, and I know where I'm currently going with it.
ANYWAY, I'm sorry this was an extremely boring entry ... I just thought it was weird that I have this knack for cutting/changing my hair every time something in my life changes.
I'll post pictures of my crazy hair changes over the years another time, I promise. =)
<3
What's the point of telling you how I got my hair cut? I've realized that I cut my hair when my life changes somehow. This trend goes all the way back to when I was 12 years old actually. I had just celebrated my "graduation" from the 6th grade and was going into my first year of junior high. My hair was about elbow-length and I got it cut into a bob just below my ears.
During junior high I grew my hair out again ... part of it was because I got bullied by this one girl who said I looked like a boy. Half-way through 9th grade I cut it extremely short again - it was edgy and a bit punk-rock, just like me. At that point in my life I was going through a lot; my best friend had left me for the girl that bullied me in 8th grade, that stupid girl was ruining my life just by being in it, and I was starting my descent into my bouts of depression.
I kept my hair short for over a year, cutting it every 2 months until the end of my first year of high school (grade 10). It was at that time that I was starting to really be happy again.
I didn't cut my hair again until after my high school graduation, two years later. The day after the graduaton banquet/dance I chopped off 10 inches of my hair and donated it to the cancer society to make wigs. This time, when I cut my hair, I wasn't upset, I was happy. I'd just completed my high school experience, I had a boyfriend, I knew who my true friends were, and I was about to embark on my university experience.
About 6 months later, I'd finished my first semester of university, instead of cutting my hair, I dyed it. I changed the colour to signify that I was changing - I'd dumped my stupid boyfriend a few weeks prior, I'd survived my first semester, and I think, in a few ways, I was starting to grow up.
I didn't do anything else with my hair until this past December, I decided to wear the straight bangs again, like I did when I was a child, and had a ton of layers put in, like I did when I had it cut back in the 9th grade - just not as short. ;) I had just completed one of the toughest semesters I've had - I'd overcome failures and not punched one of my professors - even though I REALLY wanted to punch her, she was so infuriating! It was also one of those days that I felt good about myself - good enough to change my look a bit.
Which leads to my haircut today. Change is a-coming in my life! I don't want to get into too much detail about it because it's a little bit personal. In any case, I feel good, my life is on track, and I know where I'm currently going with it.
ANYWAY, I'm sorry this was an extremely boring entry ... I just thought it was weird that I have this knack for cutting/changing my hair every time something in my life changes.
I'll post pictures of my crazy hair changes over the years another time, I promise. =)
<3
Monday, April 5, 2010
Quotable Quotes.
Thanks to @ihatequotes for distracting me from work ... ;)
No girl should ever forget: that she doesn’t need anyone who doesn’t need her. -Marilyn Monroe #ihatequotes
Everyone's scared. That's no reason to run away. -The Perfect Man #ihatequotes
Sometimes things don't work out and all you can do is accept it. -Armita K. #ihatequotes
You're my best friend "foreve" without the "r" bcos that would be the end of forever. -Chocolate Mint #ihatequotes
Single is NOT synonymous with desperate! Single is a CHOICE, not a lack of options! -@TheSingleWoman #ihatequotes
A person doesn't need to be perfect, to be exactly what you need. -Scrubs #ihatequotes
So long as the memory of certain beloved friends lives in my heart, I shall say that life is good. -Helen Keller #ihatequotes
I can trust my friends. They force me to examine myself, encourage me to grow. -Cher #ihatequotes
It's really hard to decide when u're too tired to hold on, but u're too in love to let go. -Vea Mariz #ihatequotes
Forgiveness means letting go of a hurtful situation and moving on with your own happiness. -Amanda Ford #ihatequotes
How u treat urself teaches others how to treat u. -@Revrunwisdom #ihatequotes
Be positive. You are worthy to be loved. (real talk) #ihatequotes
Dear my problems, my God is bigger than you :) #ihatequotes
Heartbreaks are blessings. For God saves us from the one who's not deserving. -@TheLoveStrings #ihatequotes
Math teaches us: to be understood, you have to be the simpliest form. Yes, be yourself! #ihatequotes
<3
No girl should ever forget: that she doesn’t need anyone who doesn’t need her. -Marilyn Monroe #ihatequotes
Everyone's scared. That's no reason to run away. -The Perfect Man #ihatequotes
Sometimes things don't work out and all you can do is accept it. -Armita K. #ihatequotes
You're my best friend "foreve" without the "r" bcos that would be the end of forever. -Chocolate Mint #ihatequotes
Single is NOT synonymous with desperate! Single is a CHOICE, not a lack of options! -@TheSingleWoman #ihatequotes
A person doesn't need to be perfect, to be exactly what you need. -Scrubs #ihatequotes
So long as the memory of certain beloved friends lives in my heart, I shall say that life is good. -Helen Keller #ihatequotes
I can trust my friends. They force me to examine myself, encourage me to grow. -Cher #ihatequotes
It's really hard to decide when u're too tired to hold on, but u're too in love to let go. -Vea Mariz #ihatequotes
Forgiveness means letting go of a hurtful situation and moving on with your own happiness. -Amanda Ford #ihatequotes
How u treat urself teaches others how to treat u. -@Revrunwisdom #ihatequotes
Be positive. You are worthy to be loved. (real talk) #ihatequotes
Dear my problems, my God is bigger than you :) #ihatequotes
Heartbreaks are blessings. For God saves us from the one who's not deserving. -@TheLoveStrings #ihatequotes
Math teaches us: to be understood, you have to be the simpliest form. Yes, be yourself! #ihatequotes
<3
Sunday, April 4, 2010
No Regrets.
I firmly believe that life is too short to live with regrets. You have to dust yourself off and move on, don't look back too long at the past and keep moving forward into the future.
However, I definitely do regret a few things.
1) When we were younger I would always get angry with my younger brother. I didn't yet understand that it wasn't his fault the way he acted. He has Fragile X Syndrome and back then he also had a case of autism. I regret yelling at and hitting him ... whenever I did that, he would just laugh. It was all a game to him. Now I'm older, more knowledgeable and know it's not his fault. I just wish he could understand how much I regret and how sorry I am.
2) To another person ... looking back, I've hurt you so many times. I've cut you deeper than I ever could imagine. In hurting you, I eventually ended up hurting myself. I just hope I haven't done too much damage to you. I'm hoping to repair everything and I'm definitely going to make use of this chance that I've been given.
3) I regret not taking enough chances. I've lived my life guarded, I put fences up around myself, around my mind, around my heart. I can't anymore, at some point, I'm going to be sick of being alone - or at least, sick of only having a few people to count on. I need to actually live my life to the fullest. I need to see that opportunity and grab it, instead of always letting it slip passed.
So, those are the three main things that I regret but I'm using them to drive my motivation to do better - to correct some of the wrongs I've done.
However, I definitely do regret a few things.
1) When we were younger I would always get angry with my younger brother. I didn't yet understand that it wasn't his fault the way he acted. He has Fragile X Syndrome and back then he also had a case of autism. I regret yelling at and hitting him ... whenever I did that, he would just laugh. It was all a game to him. Now I'm older, more knowledgeable and know it's not his fault. I just wish he could understand how much I regret and how sorry I am.
2) To another person ... looking back, I've hurt you so many times. I've cut you deeper than I ever could imagine. In hurting you, I eventually ended up hurting myself. I just hope I haven't done too much damage to you. I'm hoping to repair everything and I'm definitely going to make use of this chance that I've been given.
3) I regret not taking enough chances. I've lived my life guarded, I put fences up around myself, around my mind, around my heart. I can't anymore, at some point, I'm going to be sick of being alone - or at least, sick of only having a few people to count on. I need to actually live my life to the fullest. I need to see that opportunity and grab it, instead of always letting it slip passed.
So, those are the three main things that I regret but I'm using them to drive my motivation to do better - to correct some of the wrongs I've done.
Flawed Design.
I'm in an extremely open mood today. This entry is slightly related to my last one, about reminiscing.
I'm flawed. I've always known it.
I can be stupid, ignorant, a two-faced bitch, loud and obnoxious.
I don't look good without make-up - sometimes with make up I still don't look good.
I have skin issues.
My hair is dry.
I am not fashionable.
I'm judgmental.
I am extremely disorganized.
My drive for independence is a bit of a ruse.
I have no true drive or motivation.
I'm lazy.
I'm over-bearing.
And so much more...
However, now, I can say that I'm flawed and I'm okay with it. It took me a long time to come to this attitude. Nobody is perfect and I was just disillusioning myself by thinking that perfection did exist.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, ladies (and gents), empower yourselves. Everyone's got their flaws and everyone's got their weaknesses but it's okay. Life's too short to live in constant fear of people noticing your flaws - half the time, people don't even see what imperfections you see.
Let go. Be strong. Be yourself. Be free. Be you.
<3
I'm flawed. I've always known it.
I can be stupid, ignorant, a two-faced bitch, loud and obnoxious.
I don't look good without make-up - sometimes with make up I still don't look good.
I have skin issues.
My hair is dry.
I am not fashionable.
I'm judgmental.
I am extremely disorganized.
My drive for independence is a bit of a ruse.
I have no true drive or motivation.
I'm lazy.
I'm over-bearing.
And so much more...
However, now, I can say that I'm flawed and I'm okay with it. It took me a long time to come to this attitude. Nobody is perfect and I was just disillusioning myself by thinking that perfection did exist.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, ladies (and gents), empower yourselves. Everyone's got their flaws and everyone's got their weaknesses but it's okay. Life's too short to live in constant fear of people noticing your flaws - half the time, people don't even see what imperfections you see.
Let go. Be strong. Be yourself. Be free. Be you.
<3
Reminiscing.
I've spent the last two hours reading my old journal and I noticed a lot of things. In retrospect, it's so much easier to read your own thoughts and decipher them into meaning. I think this is the first time that I'm really going to be open with everyone that reads my blog. I think it's important to let you all know what person I am and give more dimension - I'm not just a personality on the internet.
To get this small aspect over with: reading about my ex just made me angry again. That was a bad trip that I never want to have to endure again. Nevertheless, that relationship taught me a lot of things: I'm a stronger girl than he ever treated me. I'm not stupid, useless, or dependent. I'm intelligent, resourceful, and very independent. I won't sit back and let a guy do everything for me. I won't let anyone choose for me. Most of all, I will never EVER go with a guy if he can't accept my friends.
Anyway, onto better things - sort of related to my last entry about "There are certain people you just keep coming back to." This journal spanned my entire high school experience, I especially wrote a lot in my senior year. There were three people that, despite telling myself to let go, I kept thinking about. One of them, was the friend who's birthday I attended a few nights ago. Another, a friend that I apparently cared about more than I ever let myself believe. The third, a friend who I liked more than a friend then got over, then saw as an older brother, now no longer talk to.
Two out of three isn't bad.
The first one, I truly believe I don't deserve his friendship. I don't know what I did to have someone so amazing in my life but I'm glad I do. He knows how to read me, how to see through my facades, how to really get under my skin. He never shies away from telling me something straight-up and never fails in giving me good advice. This is a friend that I would give up everything for ... the truth is, if you've ever been to my deviantart, the poem I'd was actually written for him. We've been friends for over 10 years and he's finally gaining his happiness fully, I hope in another 10 years that we'll still be friends and that we're both happy.
The other one, it's taken me a while but I've realized a ton about our volatile friendship. He's one of the people that I would still like to see in my life at least 10 years in the future. We've been through a ridiculous amount of drama and yet through it all, we've managed to salvage our friendship. We both went through really bad relationships, of course, his was worse than mine and a lot more toxic. We went for three years barely speaking to each other because of this and now, we're friends like those three years were merely three days. I kept telling myself, in my journal, that I didn't need him in my life; but there were more than a few entries where I wondered what it would be like if we were still talking on a regular basis. Turns out I cared more than I believed. So here's hoping there's not another fuck up of some sort because I'm enjoying having him as my friend again.
The truth is, I didn't really write about a lot of my girl friends in my journal. Probably because I always knew where I stood with them. Their presences were always constant in my life - always supportive, always understanding. I may have had my annoyances with my best friend but she already knows all of them! Besides, I know she gets annoyed with me too sometimes ;) All the girls that pissed me off always pissed me off, I never went back and forth on that. I'm still friends with all my girls from high school, perhaps we're not as close as we used to be, but they're still in my life and I think that's all that matters.
One final note as this has been a ridiculously long entry; I'm sorry if I bored you. I'm proud of myself. When I first started that journal, I was in one of the darkest places I've ever been in my life. I was battling depression, contemplating suicide, and feeling utterly worthless. In the past 5 years, I've overcome all of those obstacles. Sure, there have been some relapses but not nearly as severe as all those years ago. I no longer want to die. I don't believe I'm worthless. And I know that there are those people that truly care for me. It helps to have a wonderful support system behind me. First my family, then all my friends, now my Twitter family. I love all of you.
Thanks for reading. Again, I'm sorry if you were bored reading this, I don't typically share this many personal things about me online ... who knows, maybe in a few days this entry will be deleted or my blog will be made private.
<3
To get this small aspect over with: reading about my ex just made me angry again. That was a bad trip that I never want to have to endure again. Nevertheless, that relationship taught me a lot of things: I'm a stronger girl than he ever treated me. I'm not stupid, useless, or dependent. I'm intelligent, resourceful, and very independent. I won't sit back and let a guy do everything for me. I won't let anyone choose for me. Most of all, I will never EVER go with a guy if he can't accept my friends.
Anyway, onto better things - sort of related to my last entry about "There are certain people you just keep coming back to." This journal spanned my entire high school experience, I especially wrote a lot in my senior year. There were three people that, despite telling myself to let go, I kept thinking about. One of them, was the friend who's birthday I attended a few nights ago. Another, a friend that I apparently cared about more than I ever let myself believe. The third, a friend who I liked more than a friend then got over, then saw as an older brother, now no longer talk to.
Two out of three isn't bad.
The first one, I truly believe I don't deserve his friendship. I don't know what I did to have someone so amazing in my life but I'm glad I do. He knows how to read me, how to see through my facades, how to really get under my skin. He never shies away from telling me something straight-up and never fails in giving me good advice. This is a friend that I would give up everything for ... the truth is, if you've ever been to my deviantart, the poem I'd was actually written for him. We've been friends for over 10 years and he's finally gaining his happiness fully, I hope in another 10 years that we'll still be friends and that we're both happy.
The other one, it's taken me a while but I've realized a ton about our volatile friendship. He's one of the people that I would still like to see in my life at least 10 years in the future. We've been through a ridiculous amount of drama and yet through it all, we've managed to salvage our friendship. We both went through really bad relationships, of course, his was worse than mine and a lot more toxic. We went for three years barely speaking to each other because of this and now, we're friends like those three years were merely three days. I kept telling myself, in my journal, that I didn't need him in my life; but there were more than a few entries where I wondered what it would be like if we were still talking on a regular basis. Turns out I cared more than I believed. So here's hoping there's not another fuck up of some sort because I'm enjoying having him as my friend again.
The truth is, I didn't really write about a lot of my girl friends in my journal. Probably because I always knew where I stood with them. Their presences were always constant in my life - always supportive, always understanding. I may have had my annoyances with my best friend but she already knows all of them! Besides, I know she gets annoyed with me too sometimes ;) All the girls that pissed me off always pissed me off, I never went back and forth on that. I'm still friends with all my girls from high school, perhaps we're not as close as we used to be, but they're still in my life and I think that's all that matters.
One final note as this has been a ridiculously long entry; I'm sorry if I bored you. I'm proud of myself. When I first started that journal, I was in one of the darkest places I've ever been in my life. I was battling depression, contemplating suicide, and feeling utterly worthless. In the past 5 years, I've overcome all of those obstacles. Sure, there have been some relapses but not nearly as severe as all those years ago. I no longer want to die. I don't believe I'm worthless. And I know that there are those people that truly care for me. It helps to have a wonderful support system behind me. First my family, then all my friends, now my Twitter family. I love all of you.
Thanks for reading. Again, I'm sorry if you were bored reading this, I don't typically share this many personal things about me online ... who knows, maybe in a few days this entry will be deleted or my blog will be made private.
<3
Saturday, April 3, 2010
All at Once
"There are certain people you just keep coming back to."
I went to my friend's birthday party last night - he turned 20! We've known each other for over 10 years now (crazy huh?!). It's incredible that despite all the disagreements, arguments, and fights we're still friends. We can go for weeks, even months, without talking but I always know that he's someone I can depend on for anything I need - even if it's just to talk.
Anyway, his girlfriend got him an ipod nano with the above quote engraved on the back. It's of his favourite song, "All at Once" by The Fray. I must admit that I'd never heard this song before and now, I've fallen in love with it; probably because I find myself able to relate to it so well.
I hope you enjoy:
"Maybe you want it, maybe you need it, maybe it's all you're running from. Perfection will not come."
This song makes me realize ... from what have I been running away? I've lived my life in avoidance because I think I'm afraid. Afraid of failure. Afraid of ruining a good thing. Afraid of letting myself truly live.
I believe in fate: whatever is meant to be will be. This song really speaks to that aspect - there are certain people you just keep coming back to. Certain people that you need in your life.
<3
I went to my friend's birthday party last night - he turned 20! We've known each other for over 10 years now (crazy huh?!). It's incredible that despite all the disagreements, arguments, and fights we're still friends. We can go for weeks, even months, without talking but I always know that he's someone I can depend on for anything I need - even if it's just to talk.
Anyway, his girlfriend got him an ipod nano with the above quote engraved on the back. It's of his favourite song, "All at Once" by The Fray. I must admit that I'd never heard this song before and now, I've fallen in love with it; probably because I find myself able to relate to it so well.
I hope you enjoy:
"Maybe you want it, maybe you need it, maybe it's all you're running from. Perfection will not come."
This song makes me realize ... from what have I been running away? I've lived my life in avoidance because I think I'm afraid. Afraid of failure. Afraid of ruining a good thing. Afraid of letting myself truly live.
I believe in fate: whatever is meant to be will be. This song really speaks to that aspect - there are certain people you just keep coming back to. Certain people that you need in your life.
<3
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