Gone Too Soon.

I just found out that a guy I went to high school with passed away last night after a motorcycle accident. I didn't know him all that well and only talked to him a handful of times but every time I spoke with him, he always had a smile on and was able to make people laugh. He was one of the good guys, able to balance out the fact that his best friend was a jerk. It was clear that he truly cared for everyone that was close to him and was devoted to his loved ones. He just had this spark in his eyes that showed everyone that he had this zest for life.

His death was the result of an accident that shouldn't have happened - and he had just turned 20 not even a week ago. Nevertheless, his light was extinguished far too soon and he was taken from this life much too young.

Thanks for the laughs and just being you. I may not have known you very well but you were such an awesome guy.

Rest In Peace Tony. You will never be forgotten.

You're the Splinter in Me.

It never matters how hard you try, how responsible you are, or how you've already succeeded - there's always something wrong. It's always a fight and a lot of the times it comes out of nowhere. Without warning there's angry yelling and the backing argument is something that never actually happened.

You always taught me to not take abuse from anyone, physical or verbal. So how is it a "bad attitude" when I stick up for myself when you're giving me that same abuse you told me not to take? Besides, it's not a bad attitude when you give me a bullshit reason that doesn't even stand up to logic and I tell you that. I got my "take no shit" attitude from you so don't tell me off for using it.

The next two years cannot be done sooner. I'm leaving you and there's nothing you can do about it. I appreciate everything you've done but I cannot take your contradictory ways, false histories, excessive moodiness, and verbal assault anymore.

Peace.

Ooh, 'tis so sweet knowing I can trust you'll never leave me
Ooh, my, my ... how many days gone by I could have had this Peace

- "Peace" (Greg Sczebel)

Flawed Design.

Everyone has their demons and apparently I'm still facing mine nearly six years later. Though they are few and far between they're still here and leech everything out of me when they make an appearance. The worst part of it all is that I never see them coming - there's no warning sign - they sneak up behind me and drag me down. Most times they're gone as quickly as they've come but sometimes they stick around for a while. The most painful part, though, is that there isn't any reason for their appearance. They come, drag me down, they leave.

They leave cracks and breaks in my resolve and once they've gone, I fill these fissures in to the best of my ability but they're still there. Every single flaw, every single imperfection, every single feeling of betrayal, hurt, and sadness - they're all still very much there. Perhaps I've just gotten better at hiding them, ignoring them, playing them off. I know that there are many stars and suns in my skies and yet I can't see them through the shadows and clouds ... I'm broken.

If I could explain what was wrong, I would. If I knew how to fix it, everything would be so much easier. But I don't. How can I explain something that I don't even understand? I fear that one day I'll be taken down so far that everyone will leave me, merely because I cannot express any rhyme or reason for the presence of these demons.

I just want to be okay. Maybe tomorrow ... but for now just let me be in this flawed design because it is all that I am and all that I know.

Quotable VI.

“A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one.”

- Mae West

It's the experiences and bad memories of the past that help shape the present and future. It took being stupid and jaded to get to this point now. It took a whole bunch of rough experiences and hits to the ego. It took a couple of heart cracks (never breaks) and countless tear-filled evenings. It took anger and frustration. But in all, despite the pain and anger and sadness, I learned a lot from those experiences. Back then I became a girl that I hated, someone I never thought that I would be ... and now? I'm comfortable now, happy with who I am but at the same time, I want to be better yet. And I will be because this time it's different. This time I'm not being used. This time I'm not being forced into plans for waaaaaaaay off into the future. This time I'm being treated as equal. This time I am not being told that I am stupid or ridiculous whenever I say something. This time I'm not striving to be something I'm not. This time I am actually happy. This time everything is mutual. Thank you.

Sorry everyone, my blog entries have been kinda boring lately. Hopefully I'll have a proper one to post soon. =)