Reminiscing.

I've spent the last two hours reading my old journal and I noticed a lot of things. In retrospect, it's so much easier to read your own thoughts and decipher them into meaning. I think this is the first time that I'm really going to be open with everyone that reads my blog. I think it's important to let you all know what person I am and give more dimension - I'm not just a personality on the internet.

To get this small aspect over with: reading about my ex just made me angry again. That was a bad trip that I never want to have to endure again. Nevertheless, that relationship taught me a lot of things: I'm a stronger girl than he ever treated me. I'm not stupid, useless, or dependent. I'm intelligent, resourceful, and very independent. I won't sit back and let a guy do everything for me. I won't let anyone choose for me. Most of all, I will never EVER go with a guy if he can't accept my friends.

Anyway, onto better things - sort of related to my last entry about "There are certain people you just keep coming back to." This journal spanned my entire high school experience, I especially wrote a lot in my senior year. There were three people that, despite telling myself to let go, I kept thinking about. One of them, was the friend who's birthday I attended a few nights ago. Another, a friend that I apparently cared about more than I ever let myself believe. The third, a friend who I liked more than a friend then got over, then saw as an older brother, now no longer talk to.

Two out of three isn't bad.

The first one, I truly believe I don't deserve his friendship. I don't know what I did to have someone so amazing in my life but I'm glad I do. He knows how to read me, how to see through my facades, how to really get under my skin. He never shies away from telling me something straight-up and never fails in giving me good advice. This is a friend that I would give up everything for ... the truth is, if you've ever been to my deviantart, the poem I'd was actually written for him. We've been friends for over 10 years and he's finally gaining his happiness fully, I hope in another 10 years that we'll still be friends and that we're both happy.

The other one, it's taken me a while but I've realized a ton about our volatile friendship. He's one of the people that I would still like to see in my life at least 10 years in the future. We've been through a ridiculous amount of drama and yet through it all, we've managed to salvage our friendship. We both went through really bad relationships, of course, his was worse than mine and a lot more toxic. We went for three years barely speaking to each other because of this and now, we're friends like those three years were merely three days. I kept telling myself, in my journal, that I didn't need him in my life; but there were more than a few entries where I wondered what it would be like if we were still talking on a regular basis. Turns out I cared more than I believed. So here's hoping there's not another fuck up of some sort because I'm enjoying having him as my friend again.

The truth is, I didn't really write about a lot of my girl friends in my journal. Probably because I always knew where I stood with them. Their presences were always constant in my life - always supportive, always understanding. I may have had my annoyances with my best friend but she already knows all of them! Besides, I know she gets annoyed with me too sometimes ;) All the girls that pissed me off always pissed me off, I never went back and forth on that. I'm still friends with all my girls from high school, perhaps we're not as close as we used to be, but they're still in my life and I think that's all that matters.

One final note as this has been a ridiculously long entry; I'm sorry if I bored you. I'm proud of myself. When I first started that journal, I was in one of the darkest places I've ever been in my life. I was battling depression, contemplating suicide, and feeling utterly worthless. In the past 5 years, I've overcome all of those obstacles. Sure, there have been some relapses but not nearly as severe as all those years ago. I no longer want to die. I don't believe I'm worthless. And I know that there are those people that truly care for me. It helps to have a wonderful support system behind me. First my family, then all my friends, now my Twitter family. I love all of you.

Thanks for reading. Again, I'm sorry if you were bored reading this, I don't typically share this many personal things about me online ... who knows, maybe in a few days this entry will be deleted or my blog will be made private.

<3