I'm definitely some kind of masochist.
That is all.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
You're the Splinter in Me.
Angry post is angry.
I'm pissed at that guy for being unable to act civilly towards me after he's had a few drinks. I say two words in conversation and he acts like I've demanded for the world. Pissed at the fact that he's a total hypocrite. Pissed at the fact my coat smells like freaking Red Bull because drunky toppled his can of it. Pissed because right now all I want is my friend back, but he can't seem to realize that I act how I act because that's the way I am and not because I'm still his annoying girlfriend. My personality hasn't changed, you're just being a jerk and underestimating my ability to put my feelings aside and make an attempt at repairing a friendship. Pissed that he still affects me like he does.
I'm mad at my dad for being so unbelievably overbearing and restrictive. It's rare that I go out at night and stay out past midnight (I'm such an old lady at 21 ... not to mention all my friends being in town together only happens once or twice a year) so when he calls me when I'm already on the way home telling me I've pushed my limits too far and he was being generous when I had to stay out late to volunteer the week prior I find it incredibly ridiculous. I'm nearly 22, I have a university degree because I studied hard and never gave up on it, I work hard at my job and excel in it, I'm in the process of applying to grad schools, I'm respectful, I never drink to get drunk (anymore), what more do you want?!
I'm angry at all the people who still act awkwardly around me months or years after we've had an issue. I'm not the most talkative person, preferring to listen most of the time, but I cannot stand when people give me the silent treatment or barely respond to my attempts at conversation. I've extended my olive branch, the least you could do is accept it. I know I'm not the easiest person to talk to, but when I'm actually trying to speak with you, that's a big deal. So grow the fuck up.
Frustrated that life is still kicking me down. Give me a fucking break. It's been six months of misery because of heartbreak, rejection, unexpected obstacles, and loss. I'm trying so hard to keep my head above water so quit it with the stupid storms or whatever fucking sea monsters that are pulling me back down.
Most of all I'm furious with myself for still caring about that douchey fucker who couldn't give a shit about me.
(Not my most eloquent, but I'm so done with this shit.)
I'm pissed at that guy for being unable to act civilly towards me after he's had a few drinks. I say two words in conversation and he acts like I've demanded for the world. Pissed at the fact that he's a total hypocrite. Pissed at the fact my coat smells like freaking Red Bull because drunky toppled his can of it. Pissed because right now all I want is my friend back, but he can't seem to realize that I act how I act because that's the way I am and not because I'm still his annoying girlfriend. My personality hasn't changed, you're just being a jerk and underestimating my ability to put my feelings aside and make an attempt at repairing a friendship. Pissed that he still affects me like he does.
I'm mad at my dad for being so unbelievably overbearing and restrictive. It's rare that I go out at night and stay out past midnight (I'm such an old lady at 21 ... not to mention all my friends being in town together only happens once or twice a year) so when he calls me when I'm already on the way home telling me I've pushed my limits too far and he was being generous when I had to stay out late to volunteer the week prior I find it incredibly ridiculous. I'm nearly 22, I have a university degree because I studied hard and never gave up on it, I work hard at my job and excel in it, I'm in the process of applying to grad schools, I'm respectful, I never drink to get drunk (anymore), what more do you want?!
I'm angry at all the people who still act awkwardly around me months or years after we've had an issue. I'm not the most talkative person, preferring to listen most of the time, but I cannot stand when people give me the silent treatment or barely respond to my attempts at conversation. I've extended my olive branch, the least you could do is accept it. I know I'm not the easiest person to talk to, but when I'm actually trying to speak with you, that's a big deal. So grow the fuck up.
Frustrated that life is still kicking me down. Give me a fucking break. It's been six months of misery because of heartbreak, rejection, unexpected obstacles, and loss. I'm trying so hard to keep my head above water so quit it with the stupid storms or whatever fucking sea monsters that are pulling me back down.
Most of all I'm furious with myself for still caring about that douchey fucker who couldn't give a shit about me.
(Not my most eloquent, but I'm so done with this shit.)
Two Truths, One Lie
a) I'm not as strong as people think or say I am. I often stay unaffected during events, but go home and let all the emotions wash over me.
b) I love my friends for their support, but I'm finding I just can't deal with this situation anymore.
c) One of the above statements is definitely a lie.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Letters from the Heart.
Dear You,
You've heard this from me before, but I don't think it stuck. This is probably the one thing that really stands out for me - the one take away from our relationship that resonates with me every single day.
They say good relationships are all about having good timing with the right person.
Unfortunately I think we had a good relationship, but we were cursed with bad timing. You and I are at such different stages at our lives that it was inevitable that we would drift. I was focused on applying to grad school and actually graduating. You were still trying to figure out what you wanted to do exactly and get through the year. I had already made some university friends in my first two years. You hadn't made very many friends in those years because of your last girlfriend and so wanted to build some. I wanted to spend more time with you in case I did end up going away for grad school in the fall. You wanted to spend more time with our friends who were probably also leaving for school in the fall.
Maybe in some ways the fact I was supposedly moving onto the next stage of my life intimidated you. You were always worried about never being good enough to do the things you wanted to do. You always sought approval from others for what you were doing. You still had so many uncertainties to deal with. I already had my plan and I think I may have held it against you that you didn't have one. On the flip side, I think you also held it against me that I did have one.
Unfortunately my plan didn't go ahead as I had hoped. It was clear that I was losing you and then I actually did lose you. During this time I started receiving rejection letters from schools and about a week after you left I received the last rejection letter. A few months after that I found out that I had lost my job. Life just kept kicking me while I was down and you were seemingly fine and moving on without me. I couldn't help but think that if you hadn't been so focused on that fact that we thought I'd be leaving for school we could've had so much more time. You wouldn't have been so ... and when I got all my rejection letters, you still would have been there for me. Getting those rejection letters and not having you to tell me it would be alright and not having you to hold me during my break downs hurt ten times more. The rejection was so much more unbearable. I threw myself into work because there was no more you to distract me and hold my hand. When the school year ended and so did work, I had nothing. That was why I cried so much more 3 months after we had broken up than I had in the first two weeks after the fact.
We started talking again about two months ago. We made plans to see each other, but our schedules just didn't work out ... you said maybe it was fate's way of telling us we weren't meant to even see each other yet. I just got upset ... timing was never on our side. Our relationship was the product of awful timing and fate playing games.
While both of our strong personalities - especially our stubbornness and the fact we took each other for granted - are definitely to blame in our fall-out, I really think timing was terrible for us. Even to this day, our timing is still off. Who knows, maybe our timing will eventually become synchronized again, but for now I'm accepting that it's just not supposed to work out. It doesn't make it hurt any less, but I'm trying - if only because you yourself keep telling me to move on.
- Me.
You've heard this from me before, but I don't think it stuck. This is probably the one thing that really stands out for me - the one take away from our relationship that resonates with me every single day.
They say good relationships are all about having good timing with the right person.
Unfortunately I think we had a good relationship, but we were cursed with bad timing. You and I are at such different stages at our lives that it was inevitable that we would drift. I was focused on applying to grad school and actually graduating. You were still trying to figure out what you wanted to do exactly and get through the year. I had already made some university friends in my first two years. You hadn't made very many friends in those years because of your last girlfriend and so wanted to build some. I wanted to spend more time with you in case I did end up going away for grad school in the fall. You wanted to spend more time with our friends who were probably also leaving for school in the fall.
Maybe in some ways the fact I was supposedly moving onto the next stage of my life intimidated you. You were always worried about never being good enough to do the things you wanted to do. You always sought approval from others for what you were doing. You still had so many uncertainties to deal with. I already had my plan and I think I may have held it against you that you didn't have one. On the flip side, I think you also held it against me that I did have one.
Unfortunately my plan didn't go ahead as I had hoped. It was clear that I was losing you and then I actually did lose you. During this time I started receiving rejection letters from schools and about a week after you left I received the last rejection letter. A few months after that I found out that I had lost my job. Life just kept kicking me while I was down and you were seemingly fine and moving on without me. I couldn't help but think that if you hadn't been so focused on that fact that we thought I'd be leaving for school we could've had so much more time. You wouldn't have been so ... and when I got all my rejection letters, you still would have been there for me. Getting those rejection letters and not having you to tell me it would be alright and not having you to hold me during my break downs hurt ten times more. The rejection was so much more unbearable. I threw myself into work because there was no more you to distract me and hold my hand. When the school year ended and so did work, I had nothing. That was why I cried so much more 3 months after we had broken up than I had in the first two weeks after the fact.
We started talking again about two months ago. We made plans to see each other, but our schedules just didn't work out ... you said maybe it was fate's way of telling us we weren't meant to even see each other yet. I just got upset ... timing was never on our side. Our relationship was the product of awful timing and fate playing games.
While both of our strong personalities - especially our stubbornness and the fact we took each other for granted - are definitely to blame in our fall-out, I really think timing was terrible for us. Even to this day, our timing is still off. Who knows, maybe our timing will eventually become synchronized again, but for now I'm accepting that it's just not supposed to work out. It doesn't make it hurt any less, but I'm trying - if only because you yourself keep telling me to move on.
- Me.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
When I Look at You All I See Are Lies.
Adrienne! I won't ever neglect you or become uncommitted or lie to you about our relationship. Since I was given this chance to be with you, I will never take it for granted. To make sure that these are not empty words and promises, I have to show you. I'll just need you and your time...Liar.
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