Apologies for the lack of posts lately. I find myself in a place where I can't muster up the energy to actually do something productive with my emotions.
The truth is, I just don't want to exist anymore.
That's not to say I want to die, because I don't. I just want to disappear into a cloud of dust and reappear when it can be guaranteed life is done screwing me over.
If I didn't have responsibilities, I would sink into the dark oblivion that sleep provides and attempt to stay there forever. I know it sounds dramatic, but I really would like to sleep forever right now. I'm so sick of feeling this way.
(Despite my lack of will-power, I am currently drafting an actual post, another one of my exercises in creativity type posts. Hopefully it'll be up by the weekend.)
Recommended listening: Good Night, Good Night - Maroon 5
Showing posts with label heartbroken. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heartbroken. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
I'll Never Be The Same.
You're standing on a bridge overlooking the river. As you stare into the oddly aquamarine depths, you wonder how far down the river bed lies. Just a few meters up, you see a span of earth beneath the surface of the water and estimate that it would be waist-high at the most.
As you lose your heart and your world comes to a complete halt, you idly wonder how long it would take to reach that mound of river bed from the area just below where you're standing, considering the currents and your lack of swimming ability.
You have the urge to jump: not to die, just to feel.
There's an empty space where your heart once resided; no pain, but it's an unbearable sensation - nothing you've ever experienced before. Jumping would give you freedom, if only for a few minutes. It would allow you to feel something different, even temporarily: the cool water in relief of the unseasonal heat, the rush of the free fall, the resistance of the water as you moved against it, adrenaline pumping through your veins, assuring you that despite a lack of beating in your chest, you are indeed still living.
As tempting as it is, you don't jump. It would be pretty dumb considering the currents and your lack of swimming ability. Besides, you don't have a change of clothes, and it would be pretty humiliating if you belly flopped having never dived from anything in your life. No, as much of a rush and relief it would be to jump into the rippling river below, there are other ways to feel again, even if it takes a while to get there.
As you lose your heart and your world comes to a complete halt, you idly wonder how long it would take to reach that mound of river bed from the area just below where you're standing, considering the currents and your lack of swimming ability.
You have the urge to jump: not to die, just to feel.
There's an empty space where your heart once resided; no pain, but it's an unbearable sensation - nothing you've ever experienced before. Jumping would give you freedom, if only for a few minutes. It would allow you to feel something different, even temporarily: the cool water in relief of the unseasonal heat, the rush of the free fall, the resistance of the water as you moved against it, adrenaline pumping through your veins, assuring you that despite a lack of beating in your chest, you are indeed still living.
As tempting as it is, you don't jump. It would be pretty dumb considering the currents and your lack of swimming ability. Besides, you don't have a change of clothes, and it would be pretty humiliating if you belly flopped having never dived from anything in your life. No, as much of a rush and relief it would be to jump into the rippling river below, there are other ways to feel again, even if it takes a while to get there.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Every "Until Next Time" Feels Like One Bad Punch Line.
I'm exhausted, but every time I turn out the light, close my eyes, and try to fall asleep my mind becomes inondated by thoughts and memories and the accompanying feelings. Each time I'm about to finally drift off, I'm overwhelmed, regardless of how I try to prevent my mind from turning to those figments.
It's no secret (anymore, at least) that I do suffer from a form of depression. There are days where I'm sad for no apparent reason and am completely unable to pull myself from the pit despite all my intentions and attempts to do so. The key component, however, is that whenever I am in one of those depressive phases, it's usually affecting my self-esteem and perspective of self. Today is different.
This week is different.
This state I'm in doesn't have me berating myself or reevaluating my outlook on my prospective future. Rather, I'm in some state of mourning. It's been an entire year since my life changed completely. 365 days since my world was flipped sideways and counter-rotated. While I do count a number of gains in the past year, I lost most of the things that truly mattered, the things I cherished above all else.
Unfortunately, today also marks a year of having my feelings dismissed, mostly unintentionally. Grief makes people uncomfortable and unwilling to address it. I understand that aspect: it's difficult to console someone, especially if you are unable to relate to what they are going through. I guess the aspect that is a little harder to comprehend is telling someone "Just forget him. You deserve better anyway. You'll be fine."
It's dismissive and presumptuous.
I've discussed this a lot in previous entries, I'm the type who internalizes everything and I know I'm not the only one. That isn't to say that we "internalizers" don't want people asking how we feel or what we think. In my case, I often feel like I'm a nuisance if I merely call someone up just to talk about my emotions. (I'm in therapy now for this, but that's an entirely different story). A year ago, nobody really asked how I was doing, they just dismissed. Assumed I would bounce back and stand up on my own within a few weeks. Assumed that I could forget [intense] feelings I'd had for years. Assumed that by telling me I deserved better that I would simply believe it and move on.
I could have, should have, spoken up and corrected those assumptions, but I didn't so there is fault on myself too. I also think I was so numb to everything around me that I didn't notice all that much that people weren't asking, just telling.
Alas, retrospect is 20/20 after all.
I digress. Back to the main point, I can't sleep because my mind is racing and reminding me of everything that's happened in the last year and a half, and I need to be up for work in less than five hours. It's funny, in a weird way, that I'm more depressed now than I was immediately after the break-up. I think back then I just didn't feel anything, and in fact, I really didn't let myself feel anything. I threw myself into work and literally worked myself to exhaustion. This year, I have way more time on my hands - more time to myself. Unfortunately for me, this means more time to think and settle into these sad feelings. Since I've started therapy, I have gotten better at not thinking myself into bad moods, but there is still the aspect of merely waking up some mornings and feeling depressed for no apparent reason - those phases are the ones I can't pull myself out of by changing my trainof thought.
I'm sure I can pull myself out of this hole ... just not tonight. I think my exhaustion is just hampering my will-power. Not to mention, this date in general is one huge trigger. In a few days, I hope to be fine; I mean, I'd been having one of my good phases for about a week, so hopefully I can pick myself up in the next few days.
As much as I wish circumstances were different, the reality is they're not, so I've no choice but to adapt and try to feel better. To paraphase from a previous entry of mine (see: We Got Knocked Off Course By a Natural Force), I'm still in deep water, but I'm learning to tread it - and I'm also learning how to depend on my friends more to talk about my feelings and burdens.
(I apologize for any typos)
Recommended listening (blog entry title taken from): "Don't Want an Ending" - Sam Tsui
It's no secret (anymore, at least) that I do suffer from a form of depression. There are days where I'm sad for no apparent reason and am completely unable to pull myself from the pit despite all my intentions and attempts to do so. The key component, however, is that whenever I am in one of those depressive phases, it's usually affecting my self-esteem and perspective of self. Today is different.
This week is different.
This state I'm in doesn't have me berating myself or reevaluating my outlook on my prospective future. Rather, I'm in some state of mourning. It's been an entire year since my life changed completely. 365 days since my world was flipped sideways and counter-rotated. While I do count a number of gains in the past year, I lost most of the things that truly mattered, the things I cherished above all else.
Unfortunately, today also marks a year of having my feelings dismissed, mostly unintentionally. Grief makes people uncomfortable and unwilling to address it. I understand that aspect: it's difficult to console someone, especially if you are unable to relate to what they are going through. I guess the aspect that is a little harder to comprehend is telling someone "Just forget him. You deserve better anyway. You'll be fine."
It's dismissive and presumptuous.
I've discussed this a lot in previous entries, I'm the type who internalizes everything and I know I'm not the only one. That isn't to say that we "internalizers" don't want people asking how we feel or what we think. In my case, I often feel like I'm a nuisance if I merely call someone up just to talk about my emotions. (I'm in therapy now for this, but that's an entirely different story). A year ago, nobody really asked how I was doing, they just dismissed. Assumed I would bounce back and stand up on my own within a few weeks. Assumed that I could forget [intense] feelings I'd had for years. Assumed that by telling me I deserved better that I would simply believe it and move on.
I could have, should have, spoken up and corrected those assumptions, but I didn't so there is fault on myself too. I also think I was so numb to everything around me that I didn't notice all that much that people weren't asking, just telling.
Alas, retrospect is 20/20 after all.
I digress. Back to the main point, I can't sleep because my mind is racing and reminding me of everything that's happened in the last year and a half, and I need to be up for work in less than five hours. It's funny, in a weird way, that I'm more depressed now than I was immediately after the break-up. I think back then I just didn't feel anything, and in fact, I really didn't let myself feel anything. I threw myself into work and literally worked myself to exhaustion. This year, I have way more time on my hands - more time to myself. Unfortunately for me, this means more time to think and settle into these sad feelings. Since I've started therapy, I have gotten better at not thinking myself into bad moods, but there is still the aspect of merely waking up some mornings and feeling depressed for no apparent reason - those phases are the ones I can't pull myself out of by changing my trainof thought.
I'm sure I can pull myself out of this hole ... just not tonight. I think my exhaustion is just hampering my will-power. Not to mention, this date in general is one huge trigger. In a few days, I hope to be fine; I mean, I'd been having one of my good phases for about a week, so hopefully I can pick myself up in the next few days.
As much as I wish circumstances were different, the reality is they're not, so I've no choice but to adapt and try to feel better. To paraphase from a previous entry of mine (see: We Got Knocked Off Course By a Natural Force), I'm still in deep water, but I'm learning to tread it - and I'm also learning how to depend on my friends more to talk about my feelings and burdens.
(I apologize for any typos)
Recommended listening (blog entry title taken from): "Don't Want an Ending" - Sam Tsui
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Your Broken Heart Requires All of My Attention.
Year One.
It feels like it was just yesterday.
Square one.
1 step forward, 365 steps back.
Lonely one.
Resentful towards current, visible romances.
Broken one.
Sad really doesn't begin to cover it.
Only one.
"Afraid nothing can save me but the sound of your voice."
Monday, January 28, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
I am a SUPERFOX.
Well ... not quite yet. More like I'm a superfox cub.
Confused about the reference? It's because this book has been my companion since I bought it yesterday: It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken.
Yep. I went there. Some of you, my faithful readers, may think it's a last-ditch effort, but some of you may appreciate it. Truthfully, a bit of the stuff in this book is stuff I've already heard from friends, or things I've already done for myself, but it was refreshing to read it in this book simply because the authors weren't condescending or trying to be therapeutic in anyway. It was candid, straight-forward, and quite fun actually.
And yes, all of those sticky notes sticking out are things I've flagged as relatable, worth another reminder, or a need to do! Considering the book is nearly 300 pages, the fact I've got only about 25 stickies isn't bad, (never mind the fact that one of them actually cordons off a whole chapter).
In any case, I've been feeling really low lately so I decided to spend my afternoon yesterday looking at books, shoes, and dresses. I ended up buying 5 other books apart from this one (and debated also buying The Break-Up Bible, but figured I didn't want to look desperate at the check-out by buying two "self-help" books). I also ended up buying a dress (questionable as to where or when I will actually wear this dress, but it was really pretty ... and on sale). While I still felt quite low after all of those purchases, I definitely felt better after reading the first 200 pages last night.
Admittedly, I was quite cranky this morning, but I figure it's because I didn't get much sleep - when you spend an entire weekend sleeping because muscle relaxants are a euphemism for tranquilizers and only get 6 hours of sleep, I think you'd be cranky too. Anyway, work was just a sensory overload for me this morning (however, the teacher and my partner CDS also felt the same way), so it was nice to sit in a quiet Starbucks over lunch and power through another 30 pages. Unfortunately, that pleasantness only lasted an hour into my afternoon shift ... but coming home to an empty house and powering through the remainder of the book before everyone else got home was especially relaxing.
I need to do more for myself (without spending more money ... I've already gone through the shopping phase quite thoroughly these past few weeks), to feel good about myself. So tomorrow, an impromptu day trip! If successful, I may write about it tomorrow. Of course, the weather doesn't seem to be cooperating this evening, so we'll see what happens in the morning I guess! Regardless of if I get out of town or not, I will definitely be doing something.
Til next! Love from the budding Break-up Warrior Princess and soon-to-be SuperFox!
Confused about the reference? It's because this book has been my companion since I bought it yesterday: It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken.
 |
| Bonus Hello Kitty pajama pants! |
Yep. I went there. Some of you, my faithful readers, may think it's a last-ditch effort, but some of you may appreciate it. Truthfully, a bit of the stuff in this book is stuff I've already heard from friends, or things I've already done for myself, but it was refreshing to read it in this book simply because the authors weren't condescending or trying to be therapeutic in anyway. It was candid, straight-forward, and quite fun actually.
And yes, all of those sticky notes sticking out are things I've flagged as relatable, worth another reminder, or a need to do! Considering the book is nearly 300 pages, the fact I've got only about 25 stickies isn't bad, (never mind the fact that one of them actually cordons off a whole chapter).
In any case, I've been feeling really low lately so I decided to spend my afternoon yesterday looking at books, shoes, and dresses. I ended up buying 5 other books apart from this one (and debated also buying The Break-Up Bible, but figured I didn't want to look desperate at the check-out by buying two "self-help" books). I also ended up buying a dress (questionable as to where or when I will actually wear this dress, but it was really pretty ... and on sale). While I still felt quite low after all of those purchases, I definitely felt better after reading the first 200 pages last night.
Admittedly, I was quite cranky this morning, but I figure it's because I didn't get much sleep - when you spend an entire weekend sleeping because muscle relaxants are a euphemism for tranquilizers and only get 6 hours of sleep, I think you'd be cranky too. Anyway, work was just a sensory overload for me this morning (however, the teacher and my partner CDS also felt the same way), so it was nice to sit in a quiet Starbucks over lunch and power through another 30 pages. Unfortunately, that pleasantness only lasted an hour into my afternoon shift ... but coming home to an empty house and powering through the remainder of the book before everyone else got home was especially relaxing.
I need to do more for myself (without spending more money ... I've already gone through the shopping phase quite thoroughly these past few weeks), to feel good about myself. So tomorrow, an impromptu day trip! If successful, I may write about it tomorrow. Of course, the weather doesn't seem to be cooperating this evening, so we'll see what happens in the morning I guess! Regardless of if I get out of town or not, I will definitely be doing something.
Til next! Love from the budding Break-up Warrior Princess and soon-to-be SuperFox!
Sunday, October 21, 2012
In My Heart It's Raining.
It's been one of those evenings where I've thought myself into a hole. Surprise, surprise!
Although, I should say I haven't cried, so that's gotta count for something, right?
It started with watching a TV show he and I used to watch together, then I just kinda got stuck. Fretting about driving on ice tomorrow morning for the first time this season, and reminiscing on all the snowball fights, early morning snuggles, coffee dates of winters past. Thinking back to conversations about the aforementioned show - including making fun of the more ridiculous ideas presented, and making up our own possible business endeavours ... realizing that smile and laugh will never be directed at me again.
Not even my fresh manicure can shake this chill.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
It's Harder Everyday.
I'm a mess to end all messes tonight.
I'm not sure if I'm more angry or sad, either way I'm unhappy. This emotional rollercoaster has me going in every direction. I honestly don't even know which way is up.
All I know is that I can't deal with this anymore. I feel like the only way I could go on and be happy again would be some memory procedure to wipe everything about him from my mind ... Or if he was to come back. Unfortunately, both of those options are entirely impossible, so I'm stuck.
All my friends tell me I'm tough and strong for being able to go out with the group, including him, and show barely any emotion about it. The truth is, it kills me every single time I do see him. I die not being able to talk to him unless he speaks first simply because that's what he wants. We're not even together anymore and I'm still going by what he wants ...
It's really friggen ironic that I can't get over the guy when in high school I kept complaining about how he couldn't get over me.
I guess one of the things that hurts the most is the fact that he liked me for so long and now he couldn't give one shit about me. It's as if he wishes I never even existed.
Him falling out of love with me hurts worse than I ever could have imagined. I don't even think I would wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy. I tried so hard to get him to even like me again towards the end of our relationship because at that time I felt like he didn't even like me as a person, let alone love me. I tried so damn hard, but in the end it wasn't what he wanted. I wasn't what he wanted. He looked for every excuse as to why we weren't working. He just didn't want me at all.
Maybe it's karma. Maybe he was always meant to break my heart for all the times in high school I turned him down.
In any case, I'm not as strong as everyone thinks. I'm a right mess. I'm not okay with this.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Two Truths, One Lie
a) I'm not as strong as people think or say I am. I often stay unaffected during events, but go home and let all the emotions wash over me.
b) I love my friends for their support, but I'm finding I just can't deal with this situation anymore.
c) One of the above statements is definitely a lie.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Letters from the Heart.
Dear You,
You've heard this from me before, but I don't think it stuck. This is probably the one thing that really stands out for me - the one take away from our relationship that resonates with me every single day.
They say good relationships are all about having good timing with the right person.
Unfortunately I think we had a good relationship, but we were cursed with bad timing. You and I are at such different stages at our lives that it was inevitable that we would drift. I was focused on applying to grad school and actually graduating. You were still trying to figure out what you wanted to do exactly and get through the year. I had already made some university friends in my first two years. You hadn't made very many friends in those years because of your last girlfriend and so wanted to build some. I wanted to spend more time with you in case I did end up going away for grad school in the fall. You wanted to spend more time with our friends who were probably also leaving for school in the fall.
Maybe in some ways the fact I was supposedly moving onto the next stage of my life intimidated you. You were always worried about never being good enough to do the things you wanted to do. You always sought approval from others for what you were doing. You still had so many uncertainties to deal with. I already had my plan and I think I may have held it against you that you didn't have one. On the flip side, I think you also held it against me that I did have one.
Unfortunately my plan didn't go ahead as I had hoped. It was clear that I was losing you and then I actually did lose you. During this time I started receiving rejection letters from schools and about a week after you left I received the last rejection letter. A few months after that I found out that I had lost my job. Life just kept kicking me while I was down and you were seemingly fine and moving on without me. I couldn't help but think that if you hadn't been so focused on that fact that we thought I'd be leaving for school we could've had so much more time. You wouldn't have been so ... and when I got all my rejection letters, you still would have been there for me. Getting those rejection letters and not having you to tell me it would be alright and not having you to hold me during my break downs hurt ten times more. The rejection was so much more unbearable. I threw myself into work because there was no more you to distract me and hold my hand. When the school year ended and so did work, I had nothing. That was why I cried so much more 3 months after we had broken up than I had in the first two weeks after the fact.
We started talking again about two months ago. We made plans to see each other, but our schedules just didn't work out ... you said maybe it was fate's way of telling us we weren't meant to even see each other yet. I just got upset ... timing was never on our side. Our relationship was the product of awful timing and fate playing games.
While both of our strong personalities - especially our stubbornness and the fact we took each other for granted - are definitely to blame in our fall-out, I really think timing was terrible for us. Even to this day, our timing is still off. Who knows, maybe our timing will eventually become synchronized again, but for now I'm accepting that it's just not supposed to work out. It doesn't make it hurt any less, but I'm trying - if only because you yourself keep telling me to move on.
- Me.
You've heard this from me before, but I don't think it stuck. This is probably the one thing that really stands out for me - the one take away from our relationship that resonates with me every single day.
They say good relationships are all about having good timing with the right person.
Unfortunately I think we had a good relationship, but we were cursed with bad timing. You and I are at such different stages at our lives that it was inevitable that we would drift. I was focused on applying to grad school and actually graduating. You were still trying to figure out what you wanted to do exactly and get through the year. I had already made some university friends in my first two years. You hadn't made very many friends in those years because of your last girlfriend and so wanted to build some. I wanted to spend more time with you in case I did end up going away for grad school in the fall. You wanted to spend more time with our friends who were probably also leaving for school in the fall.
Maybe in some ways the fact I was supposedly moving onto the next stage of my life intimidated you. You were always worried about never being good enough to do the things you wanted to do. You always sought approval from others for what you were doing. You still had so many uncertainties to deal with. I already had my plan and I think I may have held it against you that you didn't have one. On the flip side, I think you also held it against me that I did have one.
Unfortunately my plan didn't go ahead as I had hoped. It was clear that I was losing you and then I actually did lose you. During this time I started receiving rejection letters from schools and about a week after you left I received the last rejection letter. A few months after that I found out that I had lost my job. Life just kept kicking me while I was down and you were seemingly fine and moving on without me. I couldn't help but think that if you hadn't been so focused on that fact that we thought I'd be leaving for school we could've had so much more time. You wouldn't have been so ... and when I got all my rejection letters, you still would have been there for me. Getting those rejection letters and not having you to tell me it would be alright and not having you to hold me during my break downs hurt ten times more. The rejection was so much more unbearable. I threw myself into work because there was no more you to distract me and hold my hand. When the school year ended and so did work, I had nothing. That was why I cried so much more 3 months after we had broken up than I had in the first two weeks after the fact.
We started talking again about two months ago. We made plans to see each other, but our schedules just didn't work out ... you said maybe it was fate's way of telling us we weren't meant to even see each other yet. I just got upset ... timing was never on our side. Our relationship was the product of awful timing and fate playing games.
While both of our strong personalities - especially our stubbornness and the fact we took each other for granted - are definitely to blame in our fall-out, I really think timing was terrible for us. Even to this day, our timing is still off. Who knows, maybe our timing will eventually become synchronized again, but for now I'm accepting that it's just not supposed to work out. It doesn't make it hurt any less, but I'm trying - if only because you yourself keep telling me to move on.
- Me.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Have You Ever Felt Alone in a Crowded Room?
I don't know if I've ever felt so alone.
I've battled depression in my past, but even that never made me feel this lonely. This feeling has been dragging me down for over a week now. My job has me constantly surrounded by people I get along with wonderfully, and school is also packed with people, but once my day is over, I'm left with nothing.
The people I work with are all considerably older than me, so it's difficult to up and ask if they'd like to hang out after work or something. With school, I'm only taking one class as a pre-requisite for my graduate studies. The class is an introductory course and so most of my peers are at least 4 years younger. Not to mention, class is only twice a week.
This class is also not at the same university I completed my degree at, where all my friends attend. And because my schedule doesn't match up too well with those of my friends, it's exceedingly difficult to coordinate hanging out.
I guess the main reason I'm feeling so alone is that, it's been over 5 months and nothing is getting better. It's not getting worse, which is a good thing I suppose, but it's not getting better. I've thrown myself back into work, school, and studying for my GRE, but it's those moments when I'm driving home, laying in bed at night, eating breakfast in the morning, lying on my couch that get to me the most. My thoughts carry me away down a reminiscing road.
I tell myself to stop, but I can't.
I do feel the need to talk to someone, but all my friends are busy with school, and none of them have really checked in to see how I'm doing. I know I should reach out to them myself, but I can't help but feel like a broken record. I can't help but feel like a complete nuisance. It's been over five months, most of my friends will probably just tell me the same things they've repeated before ... Get over it. Move on. Find someone else. Do something to distract you. He doesn't want you like that anymore.
I just can't though.
It all sounds so easy, and it all sounds so procedural. It's not. I mean, how do you just let go? I've come to terms with the fact that he wants nothing to do with me romantically, (or at all at this moment in time). I also accept that it's over and we obviously were not meant to make it. I just can't let go.
It meant too much. It still means too much.
I digress. I'm lonely. I miss having someone to text or call all the time, someone who would always respond. I know it's a lot to do with scheduling and availability, but I feel like he got to keep all our friends. If this was a divorce settlement, I got the material things, he retained custody of our friends.
In any case, I should reach out, but I'm sure everyone is tired of hearing me cry and complain. This is tougher than I ever imagined. I used to be one of those judgmental bitches who couldn't understand why people couldn't get over someone. Now I know better. Now I know heartbreak is one of the hardest trials a person ever has to go through.
Apparently heartbreak is also synonymous with loneliness.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)