Tongue Tied.

"Nothing's worse than knowing you're holding back."

I have never been particularly good at expressing myself verbally. It's part of the reason it's so hard for me to open up to people: I'm the type to be more confident behind written words rather than spoken. I once took a course on rhetorical communication and while my written essays and assignments were strong, my oral presentations were considerably weaker. My mind simply functions better when I have a pen in my hand or a keyboard at my fingertips.

I guess it's just a matter of processing everything and finding the right words to say. I stumble over my words, mix up word orders, use the wrong words, lose my train of thought easily. It's frustrating that I can respond quickly, clearly, effectively when I'm reading and writing and yet get me talking in person or on the phone and I seem lose all ability to respond at all.

Or perhaps I'm afraid: afraid of speaking my true mind, afraid of offending someone, afraid of over-stepping a certain boundary, afraid of making a fool of myself, afraid of what the other person will say in response. It's easy to hit backspace or cross out what you've written before you make it final but in verbal communication, it's difficult, impossible really, to take anything back.

As I said, it's a hindrance.

A lot of the time I know I'm holding back and it's because of this silly characteristic of mine that I just can't verbalize my thoughts orally. I have so many things to say and yet I can never find the right words to say them. Writing letters can only go so far and I can't rely on written communication every time I have something important to say. I have had so many opportunities to say what I really want/need to say and yet I haven't as I never know how to phrase my ideas. It's not as if I can write down everything I want to say and practice in the mirror - I think that's silly: what I need to say requires a bit of spontaneity ... I just need to find the words and stop holding back.