Flawed Design V

I know I'm not the easiest person to be with, by any means.  I'm stubborn, emotional, sensitive, quick to anger, slow to calm, and I don't talk much.  Unfortunately that's become the norm for me.  I used to put the blame on being shy.  In actuality, I'm not all that shy, I'm just so afraid of being turned down or criticized or sounding stupid that the words that are racing a million miles a minute through my brain rarely make it to my lips.

I don't really think anyone realizes just how difficult it is for me to put myself out there.  It may seem a if I am willing to write more about myself and my feelings in my blogs, twitter, whatever, but the truth is, it is just as difficult to write it in public forum as it is to speak it aloud.  Do I find it easier to write? In lots of ways, yes, simply because I can think purposefully of what I am going to say.  I think a lot of people are the same way, for me, however, it's almost crippling.  The amount of time it takes for  me to compose one of these blog entries would surprise a lot of people.  It even takes me at least a few minutes to type out a reply to a simple work e-mail replying to somebody's inquiry of whether or not a certain date works, which for most people, would be an easy "Yes it works" or "No, it doesn't".

The truth is, even sending a quick text to my friends saying 'Hey' is difficult.  Asking them to hang out without any purpose (like a birthday) requires a ton of courage.  Sometimes I become so overwhelmed by the feeling of potentially getting rejected, I don't even bother.  I backspace, hit the home button, and put my phone away.

I guess this is kind of an explanation for how I was feeling yesterday.  My current state of mind has been weighing heavily and everything sets me off in a flurry of emotion, namely anger or sadness.  It's a dichotomy in which I'm tired of existing.  Honestly, I couldn't tell you the last time I was happy - really and truly happy.  It's a sad truth, but it's probably the one absolute in my life.

As much as all those quotes say "You can choose to be happy" or "Bad days are only as bad as you perceive them" and the like, it's not that simple for someone who is battling within themselves.  When someone's brain is just hard-wired to be sad, it's not as easy as "choosing" to have a good day.

I'm just so tired of being this sad.