You're the Universe to Me.

Who gives a fuck about your first love? Give a big round of applause for your second love because they taught you love still exists after you thought it never could again.

So here's to the one that I'm truly getting to experience "nothing ever comes easy, but it's worth it" with.  The one who can piss me off like no one else, but make me smile the next second.  The one who gives me a vision to look forward to.  The one who accepts me even at my absolute grouchiest ogre-ish moments.  The one who truly keeps me grounded.  The one who takes care of me.  The one who understands my stupid little quirks.  The one who completely obliterated the walls I put up and stole my heart even when it was still in pieces.

Settle the Score.

My words were admittedly not the nicest and they were not forgiving in anyway, but the bigger picture was completely lost.  The main message that was actually intended completely ignored and that was most definitely in my delivery.  However, it doesn't change how I feel.  I won't apologize for having feelings, especially because they are real and true and just as valid as anyone else's emotions.  If that makes me selfish or makes it seem like I don't value people as much as I should, then that is your prerogative to believe it.

Giving Up On You.

Whenever I plan something, I try to make it so that the most people are accommodated.  Whenever I don't plan something, I don't seem to get the same courtesy.  There's a set date and time already, but one friend says they can't make it, so a new date gets chosen.  I can't make the new date, nothing changes.  And it's always that same friend that gets heaven and earth moved for them (it's driving me crazy using the plural pronoun for a singular person, but I'm trying to be sort of objective here) and that just irks me to no end.  Plans change, arrangements for rides and other details are made, people go out of their way for this friend ... 

Always happens.

But strangely, I'm used to it.  It irritates the fuck out of me, but I'm used to it.  I'm used to being blown off.  I'm used to being told I live too far away.  I'm used to being left out of plans entirely.  I'm used to having to be self-reliant in getting anywhere.  I'm used to not getting ride offers.  I'm used to being told that the plans "can't" change if I can't make it.  I'm used to telling people, "It's okay, you guys go have fun.  If that date works better for everyone else, I don't mind."

I shouldn't be used to that.

I shouldn't have to compromise that much.  I shouldn't have to concede so far that it's not even a compromise anymore, that's me giving in entirely.

Makes me re-evaluate all of my friendships entirely.

I Just Can't Let You Have the Rest of Me.

I desperately feel the need to cry, but no tears are actually forming, let alone falling.  I guess it's because I know that I can't waste anymore tears on people who a) don't really care how much they affect me, b) don't understand and don't even try to understand my sensitive nature, and c) act as if my opinion/needs/actions/attempts don't matter.

My relationship with my father has never been great.  As a child, he was constantly berating me for wanting to dance, play an instrument, and write rather than doing karate, being good at a "traditional sport", and exceling in math or science.  It was always an issue of "I want to be able to tell my friends that my daughter can do everything their sons can do" and "I wantto be able to brag about you" Evidently being a girl and doing things that I was actually good at and wanted to do wasn't ever good enough.  Even to this day, he's always dropping lines like "You should go to law school" or "Why don't you go be a doctor?" because aspiring to do Speech-Language Pathology or anything to do with special needs isn't a high enough goal.

Now you know the reason why I've struggled with my self-esteem and why my social life most often takes the hit because I try so hard to do something "right" in my dad's eyes -he'd prefer if I stayed home all the damn time and do housework.

He hasn't spoken to me for almost 2 weeks now because I neglected one bit of housework. He won't even acknowledge my presence, even if I greet him the moment i walk through the door after coming home from work or dance or wherever - that's if he's even on the main floor of the house, he's usually holed up in his room when I get home.  He's stopped eating dinner with the family and has started going to bed earlier so he doesn't have to see me at all.  The last time he gave me the silent treatment, which was actually less than a month ago, I figured I'd try to ingratiate myself and say 'good night' before I went up, the look he gave me was so full of malice I had to cry afterwards.  No child should ever see that look from one of their parents.

Frankly, it pisses me off, but at the same time it sucks and it hurts.

Every child aims to make their parents proud, I have honestly never achieved that; at least not where my ather is concerned.  But for him to be so petty and act so childish just grates on me, and it's the reason that I will likely be out of my parents' house by the end of the summer.

Anyway, the other person I feel the need to cry over, but can't? Just one look and that's all it takes.  It was a look I've seen given to people that have really crossed the line.  Yet another person I never ever thought I would receive that malignant look from, but I did.  I will admit I was in the wrong, but that is a look I'll never forget, one I really don't think I deserved despite my wrong-doing.  It was a simple joke, but I got burned.

No tears here, which is surprising, but maybe I'm just done.  I'm fed up with crying over people who don't treat me appropriately.  I'm over being visibly sad about things these people have done.  I'm realizing that I am good enough and if that's not enough for them, then screw them.

I mean, I'm still sad - and that comes with the territory of being depressed, but I won't cry anymore.  I can't.

I do have to say I am quite impressed that I am not more sad considering today's date - I know, I know, it seems like nearly every day has significance as I always seem to write posts complaining about certain dates.  I guess it means I'm on the right track though - this date holds a huge amount of significance, like epic proportions of significance, and the fact that I'm not that sad is a huge deal, so pardon me as I say that I am super proud of myself.

I just unloaded a lot of personal things onto here, I hope I didn't scare anyone off, but maybe my readers feel like they know me a little bit better :)

Recommended Listening: You Don't Get a song - Esthero

I Finally Found the Words to Say.

(But I can't tell you if you turn around and run away ...)

Trying a new way of feeling better: going through and finding short stories that I wrote a long time ago (this one was written about a year ago), revamping, and posting.  Flipping the experiences into semi-fiction and taking a look through somebody else's eyes.

Part One of Two? (Maybe three?) right after the jump.

Flawed Design V

I know I'm not the easiest person to be with, by any means.  I'm stubborn, emotional, sensitive, quick to anger, slow to calm, and I don't talk much.  Unfortunately that's become the norm for me.  I used to put the blame on being shy.  In actuality, I'm not all that shy, I'm just so afraid of being turned down or criticized or sounding stupid that the words that are racing a million miles a minute through my brain rarely make it to my lips.

I don't really think anyone realizes just how difficult it is for me to put myself out there.  It may seem a if I am willing to write more about myself and my feelings in my blogs, twitter, whatever, but the truth is, it is just as difficult to write it in public forum as it is to speak it aloud.  Do I find it easier to write? In lots of ways, yes, simply because I can think purposefully of what I am going to say.  I think a lot of people are the same way, for me, however, it's almost crippling.  The amount of time it takes for  me to compose one of these blog entries would surprise a lot of people.  It even takes me at least a few minutes to type out a reply to a simple work e-mail replying to somebody's inquiry of whether or not a certain date works, which for most people, would be an easy "Yes it works" or "No, it doesn't".

The truth is, even sending a quick text to my friends saying 'Hey' is difficult.  Asking them to hang out without any purpose (like a birthday) requires a ton of courage.  Sometimes I become so overwhelmed by the feeling of potentially getting rejected, I don't even bother.  I backspace, hit the home button, and put my phone away.

I guess this is kind of an explanation for how I was feeling yesterday.  My current state of mind has been weighing heavily and everything sets me off in a flurry of emotion, namely anger or sadness.  It's a dichotomy in which I'm tired of existing.  Honestly, I couldn't tell you the last time I was happy - really and truly happy.  It's a sad truth, but it's probably the one absolute in my life.

As much as all those quotes say "You can choose to be happy" or "Bad days are only as bad as you perceive them" and the like, it's not that simple for someone who is battling within themselves.  When someone's brain is just hard-wired to be sad, it's not as easy as "choosing" to have a good day.

I'm just so tired of being this sad.

The Only Thing that Keeps Me Wishing.

It's a bit disheartening, but a tad liberating at the same time, when you finally realize someone is likely always going to let you down.

You can hope for the best and wish things to change, but wishing only gets you so far. Besides, too many things have transpired and the situation is so far out of your control for it to ever change. 

That moment you accept this fact breaks your heart that much more, but it's a step in the right direction.  You can't control the other person anymore than you can control the situation.  You can never know what is going through the other person's mind, or what their feeling, or their motivations for why they do what they do. That's life though, isn't it? You never know.

I've been aware that I've been let down over and over for almost a year now, but now I think I finally just get it. I've finally accepted it as the absolute certainty in my life.  I'm going to continue being let down so long as the dynamic of this entire thing remains the same, but I still hope to be proved wrong - for my absolute certainty to not be so absolute.

I may be holding out for a miracle, but I'm not going to hold my breath anymore.

[Edit 10:57 pm: Pleasantly surprised ... still not expecting a lot though]

Lack of Passion is Fatal.

Chemistry between two people is something that cannot be forced.  It's the natural flow of things between two personalities striving in togetherness; it's the product of a mutual attraction.  Everything is simple and feels normal, right: the careless banter, physical closeness, a certain sense of comfort.  Chemistry is achieving that harmony without actually putting a ton of effort in.

It's what you do with that chemistry, however, that determines where the relationship goes.  It can be great or it can fall devastatingly flat.  After all, chemistry can only be so much of a relationship.  Good friends will always have good chemistry.  Lovers, on the other hand, have something more.

There's a certain passion attached to being in love: a passion to be with the other person, to make that person happy, to make it last.  Passion isn't as naturally-occurring as chemistry, however.  Passion arises from the desire to make the chemistry withstand time, tribulations, distance.  With passion comes effort and with effort the relationship achieves greatness.

I guess it's why relationships between people with amazing chemistry between them don't always work out.

Chemistry doesn't break your heart.  Passion and the lack thereof does.