Quotable V.

Moon pours through the ceiling tonight,
embraces us tight, shows me we're right for each other.
And as we lie here and let the world fade away,
the sunrise tries to end it while we try to stay.

The rest of my life can't compare to this night
and only the heartaches have given me sight,
they bring me to you,
they bring me to you,
they bring me to you,
they bring me to you.

Miss Independent.

I was brought up by my parents to be independent: if you want something, only you can work for it; if you want something done right, do it yourself; if you have a problem, you have to work it out for yourself; you don't need someone [aka a boyfriend] to validate you or take care of you when you can do it fine on your own; don't rely too heavily on other people, there's always a chance that they'll fail you. From my own experiences, I realized that some people are only there to sabotage you, or someone will never do their fair share of the work, or some people will only hurt you in the end no matter how much you try to accept them or be their friend, or some people just leave you behind.

Because of my parents and experiences, I am the way I am: independent to a t. I don't rely on people a whole lot. I don't need a large support system. I've never felt the need to be in a committed relationship. I do my best work on my own.

There are definite benefits to being so independent: I'm determined and hard working. I can support myself - morally and financially. When I want something, I work extra hard to achieve it. When there's a problem, I can solve it on my own. My greatest successes have been when I've done all the work, start to finish, on my own. When I fail, it's because of my own lack of something or that I've done something wrong and so I know how to fix it. I know that if in 30 years, I'm still not in a committed relationship, I'll be just fine (maybe lonely, but just fine). I don't usually mind being by myself, even when all of my friends are out having a good time. I can manage not speaking to my best friend for a few weeks when she's away at school.

Of course, there are certain downfalls as well: sometimes people get intimidated by my independence. I come across as a domineering bitch/control freak at times. I do get that feeling of loneliness, even if I'm sitting in a room filled with people. I can be quite selfish. I've almost lost friends because of my solitary ways. I lose contact with people easily because "I don't need them." I bottle everything inside and rarely let people know what I'm truly thinking or feeling - especially if I am hurt, upset, or depressed. Because I don't open up so much for fear of people using my personality against me, I doubt my "likability" factor at times: "Why are these people my friends? Why do they like me?" I constantly fear being stabbed in the back or taken advantage of.

I think part of the reason I've maintained my independence for so long is because I felt the need to prove myself. To prove that I could do it on my own. To prove that I didn't need anybody. To prove that I am not someone people can walk all over. To prove that I could do things for myself.

However, I do need people. Not a lot of people, just enough. Enough to help me through the rough patches of life, to offer advice when I need it, to push me in the right direction if I start veering off track. I think for the longest time I've been afraid to let people in, to let them get to know me. I'm fickle and contradictory: my independence makes me strong but it also makes me fear. I can't do everything on my own, no matter how much I want to or how much I try.

I am independent but I know that I need people - that it's okay to be dependent. Not everyone is out to hurt me or screw me over in any way. There are certain people that will understand that I will depend on them but at the same time, I need my space to maintain a comfortable level of independence for me. There has to be a balance. Being with someone doesn't mean I have to completely give up my independent ways. Depending on people is a good thing sometimes.

So thank you to those that do understand. Thank you to the people that actually stuck around even when I seemed to snub you. Thank you for putting up with my crazy domineering ways. Thanks for letting me have my space. Thanks for having my back and being supportive. Thanks for keeping me on track and sane (as I can be, anyway). Thank you for letting me know that I can rely on and trust you. Thanks for showing me that good people exist (*lol*). Thank you for letting me be me. Thank you for not trying to change me.

Quotable IV.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

- Marilyn Monroe

I'm Only Gonna Break Your Heart.

It never fails, I somehow attract some sort of attention when I go to this mall.

The first time it happened, it was super awkward and they made it pretty obvious what they were doing: checking me out. Just because I speak English well does not mean I don't understand/speak Tagalog. I appreciate you calling me pretty but I do not appreciate being ogled at while waiting in line. Another time AND today, no words were spoken but the looks said it all. Sly smirks, charming smiles, and coy little winks aren't going to get you anywhere with me. Also, I'm sorry but just because we're both Filipino does not mean I will want to get with you so keep going about your work and stop staring at me through that window - I can see you.

There's a reason one of my favourite high school teachers labelled me as a "heartbreaker" and thinks that I'll have a list 3 feet long of the names of hearts I've broken by the time I decide to settle. *lol* I also take pride in being the "I don't need a man"/"I'm happy being single" independent type. However, I currently have myself set on a certain boy and I'm not the type to play around.

Sorry boys but I'll only break your heart.

;)

Maybe This.

Maybe this is just me over-thinking.

Maybe this is me and my need to complicate everything.

Maybe this is my stupid "wish" coming true.

Maybe this is me taking too much responsibility.

Maybe this is me breaking down.

One word.

One stupid word.

One stupid word to bring a tear to my eye.

I'd Rather Be With You.

Thanks to Jemma for indirectly recommending Joshua Radin to me.

I am absolutely obsessed with this song at the moment:

I could have saved so much time for us
Had I seen the way to get to where I am today
You waited on me for so long
So now, listen to me say:

I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with someone like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too
Say you feel the way I do

Rain on Me.

I have always loved rain. The sound of the droplets hitting the roof and windows, the fresh scent during and after the fall, the soothing effect it has on my nerves. Most of all, I adore thunder storms. I used to say that I loved thunder storms because they were a bit like me:

Reckless. Unpredictable. Intense.

In some ways thunder storms are still like me ... I'm not quite as reckless as I used to be but I'm still quite unpredictable at times - I can surprise you like a loud crash of thunder ;) As for intensity ... I think it amounts to passion. Whatever emotion I'm feeling, it takes over everything. I have such a volatile temper when I'm angry. When I'm happy, I'm ecstatic. When I'm sad, I do actually have a small depression. I have also rarely been known to do things with only half a heart; if I really want to achieve something or attain something, I go for it with everything I have. There are definitely instances where I hold myself back and it kills me a bit inside, keeping all the emotion to myself but then I sit down and write and keep writing until my hand cramps and I have no more words.

Rain also brings back some of my fondest memories: the massive puddle war with my besties in the ninth grade, writing one of my favourite poems, walking to the train station from school with a certain someone that switched sides with me on the sidewalk so I wouldn't have to step in the puddles as I was wearing flats, discovering the true meaning behind "drunken words are sober thoughts."

I don't know how people can not like rain ... I love it.

<3

To Buy or Not to Buy?

In a previous entry, waaaaaaaaaaaay back, I talked about how my two greatest weaknesses are purses and shoes. Last week I bought two new purses (and two new pairs of shoes ...) and figured my purse-hunger would be satiated, at least until next month.

But thanks to Meg over at Closet Fashionista and her recent post I have discovered the awesomeness that is BagsOK and their "1 free bag per person" promotion. So as I am a sucker for cute bags AND sales, I have spent the past two days debating getting one of these bags.

I'm kind of in love with these two:

http://www.bagsok.com/product/simple_series_tote.html
http://www.bagsok.com/product/simple_crocodile_grain_shoulder_bag_1012304616.html

I'm a little more inclined to get the Crocodile one ... it IS only $12.90 for shipping.

Thoughts??

I'm giving myself 12 more hours to decide ;)

Redundancy.

This should go without saying:

I love my life!

"Got my dreams, got my life, got my love. Got my friends, got the sunshine above. Why am I making this hard on myself when there's so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy?"




=)

Just a Beautiful Day.

Yesterday was absolutely perfect. Despite still being swollen and bruised from my operation, I decided to go up to Banff with my favourite people. The original plan was to go horse-back riding as my bestie (and I) have never gone, unfortunately a ride would cause unnecessary stress for the still-open wound but I couldn't just stay in the house all day, could I?!

From the bestie being absolutely terrified of even being around the horses at first, to being lazy for an hour while waiting for them to finish their ride, to their experience of being chased by a territorial and protective mother elk, to just wandering the streets of Banff (and getting excited in the candy stores *lol*), the day could not possibly have been any better.

Definitely one of the best choices I've made in a while: incredible friends, the weather was gorgeous, we had tons of laughs - what more could a girl possibly ask for?

I adore these people:

They're simply the best.
;)

After-math III.

My face is blue from bruising and has swollen even more than yesterday. I just want the swelling to go down and the throbbing pain of my gums to go away! It'd be nice to eat actual food instead of this blended soup business. My stomach is getting inevitably angrier by the day while I continue to deny myself all the yummy food stashed away in my house.

Wisdom teeth are much more of a nuisance than I originally thought they would be. I absolutely cannot wait until the swelling is gone then I don't ever have to worry about these stupid things ever again. It's probably not helping that I keep watching all these cooking shows on TV as well ... I'm so busy planning everything that I want to eat once this entire ordeal is over.

Well, there's one way to torture me, I guess: withhold food from me for however many days ... weeks!?

[sigh]

For now, I'll just have to content myself with corn soup, fresh juice, jello, and water.

(subtleties.)

After-math II: Pictures.

I look absolutely miserable because I can't open my jaw at all, I can't smile, I can't frown very much either ... I miss my face!





Don't we look alike?!

After-math Part II

It is the day after my operation and my face has swollen to twice the size it was yesterday. I actually look like my "fat cheeks" emoticon on MSN ... it's kind of depressing. My face feels so bottom-heavy! Ughhhh.

D:

After-math.

So, I got my wisdom teeth out this morning ... It's not as bad as I thought it would be. Although I did spend a really long time in the recovery room, apparently I bled quite a bit and I was really dizzy and nauseous every time I woke up. I also had to wear an eye patch on my left eye because everything was fuzzy. Fantastic, right? The doctors and nurses were discussing how pale I looked and I think the surgeon even dropped by to tell me I would have some discoloration/bruising but I was so determined and antsy to go home so I forced myself to feel better *lol* I think part of my motivation was because I was jealous of the guy that came into the recovery room and only had to stay for 30 minutes while I was there for 2 hours.

All I remember is lying down, being covered in a nice warm blanket, and discussing Stolen Babies (one of my favourite bands) with the nurse(?) because she was curious about my t-shirt. Then the anesthesiologist came in and asked me "How was breakfast?" to which he told me I had really expressive eyes and should go into theatre. I told him I couldn't act very well and my surgeon said that that would be a bit of a problem. Then I passed out and woke up 1.5 hours later in the recovery room ... it was great. =)

I got home and had to change the gauze, so I was in the kitchen with my mom (without a mirror) and tried to reach into my mouth to take out the old stuff and ended up grabbing my lower lip which happened to be REALLY swollen and numb. So I grabbed it and said "What the hell is this?!" it was the strangest thing ... then I tried to take my medicine and drink some juice but I discovered that my mouth wouldn't close because it was still frozen and not because of the gauze in my mouth. =\

After sleeping on the couch, my mouth can close fully, my lower lip is still a bit swollen, the bleeding has stopped, but my cheeks are a bit swollen as well. Though, I do look almost normal: my face isn't as swollen as I thought it would be =)

Please excuse the fact that I only have a swipe of eyeliner on (I needed to make myself at least a bit presentable before taking a pic of my swollen-ness ;) )





Like my shirt? ;)

Edit (9:38 pm): I'm WAY more swollen now ... >< Maybe another pic tomorrow.

Starvation = Crankiness

I'm going in to get my wisdom teeth taken out in a few hours. I'm pretty nervous and keep psyching myself out by thinking of all the complications that could happen. I also just want to get this over with, however I don't want to go through the pain that's inevitably going to come later on!

Aside from that - I am absolutely starving! I haven't eaten since 8 pm last night and I'm not allowed to eat or drink anything anymore because of the stupid anesthesia. THEN I won't be able to eat anyway because of the 4 gaping holes that will be in my mouth (and inevitable pain). It's a sad, sad day when I cannot eat. Although, I did do the 30 Hour Famine two years in a row so maybe I'll be okay? In any case, I'm hungry and because of that, I'm cranky. It's also depressing to think about all the weight that I will probably lose in the next few days because of this inability to eat. Not cool.

Ughhh ... why can't these teeth just magically disappear? That would make everything so much easier and I wouldn't have to starve.

(The fact that I'm not allowed to wear make-up today also kills me a bit ... here's hoping I don't run into anyone I know this morning, I look absolutely terrible!)

Gotten.

"You just get me like I've never been gotten before."

Slash (Guns 'n Roses) recently came out with a CD featuring a bunch of really amazing artists. I am absolutely in love with a bunch of the songs but this one is definitely my favourite. I've always adored Adam Levine's distinct tone so this was a real treat - the lyrics, Slash's guitar skills, and Adam's voice = brilliance.

The lyrics, in my opinion, tell the story of two former lovers meeting again, by chance, after a long separation. It's clear that the object of the song (the woman) has been in a relationship which was, quite possibly, toxic and she may have been abused or, at least, mistreated. He wants to save her from either herself or the other man - I think it's more that she's become her own worst enemy and because of her toxic relationship, her self-esteem and sense of self-worth have lowered considerably: "I can't save you if you don't let me." He also wants to fight for her, to get her back, to get her to find her fighting spirit again: "So nice to see your face again but tell me will this ever end; don't disappear." It's as if this situation has happened before and so he's asking her to end the vicious cycle between them.

I feel that this song is actually quite simple to understand and fairly easy to relate to: everyone has had someone in their life that they've wanted to save in some way.

I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do!

Tongue Tied.

"Nothing's worse than knowing you're holding back."

I have never been particularly good at expressing myself verbally. It's part of the reason it's so hard for me to open up to people: I'm the type to be more confident behind written words rather than spoken. I once took a course on rhetorical communication and while my written essays and assignments were strong, my oral presentations were considerably weaker. My mind simply functions better when I have a pen in my hand or a keyboard at my fingertips.

I guess it's just a matter of processing everything and finding the right words to say. I stumble over my words, mix up word orders, use the wrong words, lose my train of thought easily. It's frustrating that I can respond quickly, clearly, effectively when I'm reading and writing and yet get me talking in person or on the phone and I seem lose all ability to respond at all.

Or perhaps I'm afraid: afraid of speaking my true mind, afraid of offending someone, afraid of over-stepping a certain boundary, afraid of making a fool of myself, afraid of what the other person will say in response. It's easy to hit backspace or cross out what you've written before you make it final but in verbal communication, it's difficult, impossible really, to take anything back.

As I said, it's a hindrance.

A lot of the time I know I'm holding back and it's because of this silly characteristic of mine that I just can't verbalize my thoughts orally. I have so many things to say and yet I can never find the right words to say them. Writing letters can only go so far and I can't rely on written communication every time I have something important to say. I have had so many opportunities to say what I really want/need to say and yet I haven't as I never know how to phrase my ideas. It's not as if I can write down everything I want to say and practice in the mirror - I think that's silly: what I need to say requires a bit of spontaneity ... I just need to find the words and stop holding back.

Quotable III.

No explanations, just listen:



Don't go changing to try and please me, you never let me down before. Don't imagine you're too familiar and I don't see you anymore; I would not leave you in times of trouble, we never could have come this far. I took the good times, I'll take the bad times, I'll take you just the way you are.

Don't go trying some new fashion. Don't change the color of your hair. You always have my unspoken passion, although I might not seem to care.

I don't want clever conversation, I never want to work that hard; I just want someone that I can talk to. I want you just the way you are.

I need to know that you will always be the same old someone that I knew. What will it take till you believe in me the way that I believe in you?

Oh Zachary Levi ...

Who knew you could sing so well?!

And the fact that you're singing one of my favourite songs makes me adore you even more! (Singing my favourite verse from the song too! I'm a very happy girl right now =D)

The video is absolutely gorgeous and captures the meaning behind the lyrics so well. The truth is, I've never known and I still don't know what it's really like to be "in love" but I figure it's something slightly terrifying if you've never experienced it. You have to put all your trust into another person, wholly and unconditionally - believing and trusting them not to hurt you or break you. Love seems like such a frightening thing. I've always believed that it takes time to love someone, in other words: I don't believe in love at first sight. Though, who am I to put a time stamp on something so beautiful and intangible. I do not doubt that it'll be entirely worth it when it happens or when I realize what being in love truly means.

Seeing the romances of my friends Sarah and Tammi flourish gives me so much hope in eventually finding a love of my own. I must admit that "Terrified" is a bit of a contradiction of my "Fearless" entry a few days ago: I want a fearless love and yet I'm apparently afraid of what being in love is really about. I guess I'm just a walking contradiction.

(Third time I'm posting this song on this blog ... I'll admit, I'm obsessed. At least this time, it's not Kara DioGuardi and Jason Reeves ;) However, can you blame me? It's a beautiful song!)

Quotable IIa.

I only said it 'cause I mean it,
I only mean it 'cause it's true.
So don't you doubt what I've been dreaming ...

(I know ... this is the second time I've posted this song, that's just how much I love it)

Walk With Me.

... as I stroll down memory lane.

I was looking through the scrapbook I made after my high school graduation and realized just how much I miss that time in my life. I miss the excitement of finally graduating from mandatory schooling, the anticipation of getting to walk the stage and receive my diploma, the anxiety of not wanting to trip while walking the stage, the excitement of seeing everyone in their ballgowns and dresses and tuxes for the banquet. (Let's face it, what girl doesn't miss getting her hair done and a manicure/pedicure, and being completely pampered?)

Most of all, I miss the company. Graduation brought everyone together and despite the stupid fights, disagreements, and differences, everyone was friends that night. I miss sitting in close proximity to my peers as we sat through the mass at the church and the convocation rights and dancing in a huge group during the banquet.

I miss how uniform we all looked in the graduation gowns and stoles. I miss how gorgeous all the girls looked in their gowns and dresses. I miss how dashing the guys looked in their tuxedos and suits (they all cleaned up really well! ;) ). I miss the flash of all the cameras and the rushing around to get a picture with someone else/another group.

I've realized that I'm not on good terms with a lot of people that I shared those three days with, two years ago. We've either had fights or have just drifted apart. In any case, despite the fact I may not be friends with these people anymore, I cannot deny that they played definite roles in shaping who I am today. I cannot ignore the fact that they were in my life and even if I hate or dislike them now, at one point, I did like them and enjoy their company. I don't want this people in my life again but it's important to acknowledge the fact that they were in my life and part of my history. We're not friends anymore for a reason but once upon a time, we were and I liked that.

That's life.

Quotable II.

This could be good, it's already better than that.
And nothing's worse than knowing you're holding back.
I could be all that you needed if you let me try.

Terrified - Kara Dioguardi and Jason Reeves

Fearless.

Right now I am at a place in my life where I am comfortable. Everything feels natural. Everything is just falling into place. I have so much control yet I have none at the same time. I don't mind. I am perfectly content to just let everything happen the way it's meant to happen.

This is something entirely different.

I feel entirely natural with my emotions, which rarely happens. I completely understand how I feel and why I feel. I am happy in my own skin. I am happy with the way life is going at the moment. I am pursuing my happiness.

I am not alone.

It's about trust, openness, acceptance, a bit of mystery, parts of the past, and the ability to move forward. It's about taking chances, asking questions, and understanding. It's about the jokes, the laughter, the knowing stares ... a routine. It's about growth.

I am in a good place. Of course, it didn't come without certain obstacles. I had to deal with my tumultuous and over-analytical thoughts. I had to learn to face my fears: fears of ruining a good thing, fears of truly letting myself live, fears of success. I still have some fears but they're only minor. For this moment, I feel fearless.



But I am what I am, and I am what I am afraid of. Oh what am I afraid of? I need a fearless love, don't need to fear the end. If you can't hold me now, you will never hold me again. I want to life my life pursuing my happiness. I want a fearless love, I won't settle for anything less.

<3

Excitement!

Hooray!!! My best friend comes home tomorrow!!!

I can't wait to see her!

=D