Miss Independent.

I was brought up by my parents to be independent: if you want something, only you can work for it; if you want something done right, do it yourself; if you have a problem, you have to work it out for yourself; you don't need someone [aka a boyfriend] to validate you or take care of you when you can do it fine on your own; don't rely too heavily on other people, there's always a chance that they'll fail you. From my own experiences, I realized that some people are only there to sabotage you, or someone will never do their fair share of the work, or some people will only hurt you in the end no matter how much you try to accept them or be their friend, or some people just leave you behind.

Because of my parents and experiences, I am the way I am: independent to a t. I don't rely on people a whole lot. I don't need a large support system. I've never felt the need to be in a committed relationship. I do my best work on my own.

There are definite benefits to being so independent: I'm determined and hard working. I can support myself - morally and financially. When I want something, I work extra hard to achieve it. When there's a problem, I can solve it on my own. My greatest successes have been when I've done all the work, start to finish, on my own. When I fail, it's because of my own lack of something or that I've done something wrong and so I know how to fix it. I know that if in 30 years, I'm still not in a committed relationship, I'll be just fine (maybe lonely, but just fine). I don't usually mind being by myself, even when all of my friends are out having a good time. I can manage not speaking to my best friend for a few weeks when she's away at school.

Of course, there are certain downfalls as well: sometimes people get intimidated by my independence. I come across as a domineering bitch/control freak at times. I do get that feeling of loneliness, even if I'm sitting in a room filled with people. I can be quite selfish. I've almost lost friends because of my solitary ways. I lose contact with people easily because "I don't need them." I bottle everything inside and rarely let people know what I'm truly thinking or feeling - especially if I am hurt, upset, or depressed. Because I don't open up so much for fear of people using my personality against me, I doubt my "likability" factor at times: "Why are these people my friends? Why do they like me?" I constantly fear being stabbed in the back or taken advantage of.

I think part of the reason I've maintained my independence for so long is because I felt the need to prove myself. To prove that I could do it on my own. To prove that I didn't need anybody. To prove that I am not someone people can walk all over. To prove that I could do things for myself.

However, I do need people. Not a lot of people, just enough. Enough to help me through the rough patches of life, to offer advice when I need it, to push me in the right direction if I start veering off track. I think for the longest time I've been afraid to let people in, to let them get to know me. I'm fickle and contradictory: my independence makes me strong but it also makes me fear. I can't do everything on my own, no matter how much I want to or how much I try.

I am independent but I know that I need people - that it's okay to be dependent. Not everyone is out to hurt me or screw me over in any way. There are certain people that will understand that I will depend on them but at the same time, I need my space to maintain a comfortable level of independence for me. There has to be a balance. Being with someone doesn't mean I have to completely give up my independent ways. Depending on people is a good thing sometimes.

So thank you to those that do understand. Thank you to the people that actually stuck around even when I seemed to snub you. Thank you for putting up with my crazy domineering ways. Thanks for letting me have my space. Thanks for having my back and being supportive. Thanks for keeping me on track and sane (as I can be, anyway). Thank you for letting me know that I can rely on and trust you. Thanks for showing me that good people exist (*lol*). Thank you for letting me be me. Thank you for not trying to change me.