Just Love.

"Well, maybe I wouldn't have stepped on your feet so often last year if you hadn't been standing so close to me."

"I liked you last year."

"So what are you saying, you don't like me anymore?"

"No ... I love you now."

You always know exactly what to say and consistently put a smile on my face. You're one of the few constants in my life - my rock, my shield, and, quite often, my cushion :) I'm thankful everyday for whatever/whoever brought me back to you. And thankful that everyday you put up with my moments of insanity, but never falter in your love.

Flawed Design II.

...but for now just let me be in this flawed design because it is all that I am and all that I know.

Circa2010

I'm far from perfect: I cry a lot. I feel completely useless some of the time. I still really only know how to express myself through writing. I don't think I'm able to completely open myself up to anybody. I'm too independent but too dependent at the same time. I don't know how to deal with certain things. I hate confrontation. I run away. I hide inside of myself. I fear change. I'm unsure of a lot of aspects of my life ... except for one thing (just ask.)

Right now it feels like it's a never-ending winter in my world ...

Downfall.

It's that feeling of disappointment and knowing that I'm losing respect for you that really suck. I don't think you did your research because what you're advocating is not nearly as simple as you're making it out to be.

Emotions.

Sad news is sad. And like any other person, I hate hearing sad news. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm an emotional person, no matter how hard I try to hide it most of the time. Even if an event doesn't involve me at all, I'll still feel something: I'll cry, I'll feel anger, I'll be happy.

So today, I've been feeling kind of down. Of course, because of the fact that I get so emotional over certain things, I like to think that I get more insight into a situation. I become a bit more perceptive of certain aspects of the situation, and today was no exception. False attitudes, lingering glances, a touch that lasted too long - they told me that everything isn't what it's being played out to be. There's a lot more pain behind those apathetic words and it made me hurt a little bit more. It also hurt a bit more to know that there was nothing I could do and nothing I could say to find out more about the situation or even help it.

It's almost a burden to always feel emotions and have to find out as much about an issue as possible. I think too much for my own good and speculate too much to be healthy. Dwelling on the details and possibilities of these situations makes me draw nonexistent parallels to my own life. Sometimes I just need someone to talk to about what I've been thinking, but right now that person is unavailable and, naturally, that hurts too.

Sad day is sad and Adrienne is too.

Simple Pride.

I have a confession ... I'm terrified of water and so have never learned how to swim. I love water for drinking and for taking showers/baths but not for leisurely activity.

Yes, at 20 years old I have never succeeded at swimming or even floating because I have been too scared. This fear of water definitely stems from my fear of drowning. However, that all changed today. I managed to finally conquer that fear a little bit and floated and did a back glides with kicks all by myself. No help from anybody or any flotation device of any sort.

Background: A few weeks ago, my mom began planning a family vacation to somewhere warm with beaches for my break between winter and spring semester (and as a 50th birthday treat for her and my dad). This news sparked something inside of me to finally learn how to swim so I signed up for an adult swim class and was super determined. Unfortunately, I hit the pool for my first lesson 3 weeks ago and the fear conquered me. 6 lessons later (actually, 4 since I got really sick and had to miss 2 of them), and 3 weeks of being frustrated that I couldn't get over being terrified and un-trusting of the water, I finally managed to float on my own!

Of course it would have been nice to be at the same level as the rest of the people who were in the class with me but baby steps right?

Happy.

I'll wear that dress if you wear that tie,
And baby we'll dance through the night,
'cause no one's got what we've got goin'

Happiness never held onto me
Until you made me see
That together we're just better.

Super Cynic.

No one cared when I was sick with the flu, so what makes you so special? It's so obvious that you want attention, darling. But you just gotta learn that you can't be the center of attention all the time ;)

Super [Sarcastic] Critical.

Well ... I've been neglecting my blog for the past few months, yet again; so for those of you who follow my blog and are still reading, many apologies and Happy Belated New Year! Just a brief update before the bulk of this entry:

The past few months have been a bit of a whirlwind for me. I've fully immersed myself in school and have actually benefited from that! My GPA was able to increase by a few points which is exactly what I needed. =) I've also began looking into graduate schools and am hopeful to be applying to them in the near future.


Disclaimer: the following are, of course, my own personal perspective. If you have a different viewpoint than my own, I shall not be the one to hold it against you and, in turn, I hope that you respect my views.

After a day at school I came home and checked my Twitter and found two of the people that I'm following claiming "I've always been this [insert sign] and will be [insert sign] for life!" and "I refuse to change!" These tweets prompted me to Google this Ophiuchus/New Zodiac sign.

I have actually spent the better part of the past few hours reading blogs, newspaper and magazine articles, online journals etc. and have been quite amused by the amount of uproar. When I first read the first article about this "new" sign, I tweeted "New Zodiac sign? What is this bullshit?!" Which I actually intended in full irony and sarcasm because, quite frankly, I am not a believer in astrology and find a lot of it to be, well, bullshit. I'm a doubter by nature - constantly thinking about and question whether what I'm being told and being exposed to is the truth.

Astrology, I find, is just a bunch of shits and giggles - something to help you pass the time if you're bored. With so many people in the world and so many being born everyday, it is impossible that these horoscopes are applicable to every single individual born within a specific set of days. Also, how do you explain the fact that there are so many horoscopes printed for one day? If astrology really was true and the stars really did dictate certain aspects of life and tell these astrologers what to expect for each day then why don't all astrologers print the same thing? I mean really ... take a look at your horoscope for the day from multiple sources - are they all the same? No. Are your lucky numbers for the day the same? No. If this is a horoscope for the month, are your expected days of fortune the same? Not at all.

The main thing that I find so amusing is that so many people commenting on these blogs are freaking out about their personality traits. "I'm not an Aquarius, I'm nothing like an Aquarius!" I'm sorry but if you really believe that your Zodiac sign dictates your personality as a whole then, well, I think you're missing the point. Each person has their own individual traits. Related to above, it is impossible that everyone who falls under a certain sign shares the exact same character traits. There may be similar bases but that's the extent of it. Yes, yes, you can be a smart ass and respond with "Yeah, I'm unique just like everyone else." but it's true - you're hard pressed to find two people that are EXACTLY the same. There will always be a difference somewhere.

Furthermore, the truth is, if someone dictates their life wholly based on the constellation under which they were supposedly born or the position of the earth beneath a certain constellation at any point in time, then I think they need to realize a few things. First of all, your life is up to you. How you manage it, how you live it, how you succeed as a person is all up to your discretion - not a group of stars. You are the only one who can live your life. Life is what you make of it. Secondly, a group of stars can't tell you anything. Stars, typically, are stationary. They don't move. They are giant balls of gas that eventually die out. Thirdly, basing your personality or life on the stars is not taking responsibility for yourself. You are responsible for you, not anyone or any other-worldly entity.

Now, I'm not saying you can't believe in astrology. If you do, then that's fine, I'll accept your stance. I'm just saying that people need to be realistic and begin questioning what they're told and not just take it at surface value. Be critical. Have your own personal opinion. Live your own life the way you want to do it - take responsibility and stop relying on a set of stars to tell you what to do. Life is much more complex than any constellation could ever tell you.

So in all sarcasm and joking, I end this entry:

"Now there's a 13th sign ... what's next? A 13th month?!"

P.S. But if you're really curious, I've done my research: Only the Sidereal Zodiac is changing, not the Tropical Zodiac. In other words, if you live in a Western country then your zodiac hasn't changed at all. ;)