Can Only Let You Down.

Sleepless. Disappointment. Guilt. Need. Irritation. Frustration. Ridiculous. Unjustified. Unclear. Irrational. Stupid. Compensate? Idea. Impossible. Idea. Potential. Idea. Definite. Idea. Hopefully. Sad. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Faultless. Still sad. Ugh.

You Know How to Waste My Time.

Once upon a time I was the one who would walk away from an argument. I would be the one to shut down and stop talking. Now I'm on the other side and actually extremely frustrated.

The truth is, I don't think I can handle this volatility, I'm just not emotionally or mentally capable of it right now. I started using the tag "perils of being crazy" as a joke when I was first being treated for my depression - a way to make light of my situation, I think today might be the first time I'm using this tag in a non-humorous way.  Typically, I'm already in the middle of a break when using the aforementioned tag, today I'm actually on the brink. This situation I find myself in is just so ridiculous and overwhelming - and not in a good way. I'm just so confused and out of sorts in terms of my emotions. I don't know which way is up or down. One minute things are great, the next everything's gone to shit. It's all so very tiring.

While I strongly believe I'm nowhere near a mental breakdown, I'm definitely more in edge now than I've been for at least a month and a half.

I don't even know what to say anymore. I don't even know what to think.

Ugh.

The Only Thing that Keeps Me Wishing.

It's a bit disheartening, but a tad liberating at the same time, when you finally realize someone is likely always going to let you down.

You can hope for the best and wish things to change, but wishing only gets you so far. Besides, too many things have transpired and the situation is so far out of your control for it to ever change. 

That moment you accept this fact breaks your heart that much more, but it's a step in the right direction.  You can't control the other person anymore than you can control the situation.  You can never know what is going through the other person's mind, or what their feeling, or their motivations for why they do what they do. That's life though, isn't it? You never know.

I've been aware that I've been let down over and over for almost a year now, but now I think I finally just get it. I've finally accepted it as the absolute certainty in my life.  I'm going to continue being let down so long as the dynamic of this entire thing remains the same, but I still hope to be proved wrong - for my absolute certainty to not be so absolute.

I may be holding out for a miracle, but I'm not going to hold my breath anymore.

[Edit 10:57 pm: Pleasantly surprised ... still not expecting a lot though]

Flawed Design IV

It's that feeling of not being quite good enough, not being able to stack up to anyone's expectations, including your own.

It's hearing the disappointment in your dad's voice when he talks about the place in life you're currently in.  Trying to convince him the menial jobs you take on now are a necessary stepping stone to your ultimate goal is done in vain.  You have a Bachelor's degree, but at this point it's not worth much without the experience simply because your grades weren't good enough. You can't be considered a professional at this stage because you're lacking the qualifications needed.  You're taking a course to have all the pre-requisites for grad school lined up because you didn't do enough research the last time you applied. You're still in this city because everywhere you applied to go last year rejected you.

It's the loneliness that has crept up on you none too subtly.  You're alone because you weren't enough to keep him around. You need him more than he ever needed you because you let your emotions rule you.  You're too emotional and sentimental.  You're keeping yourself from sending that text or making that call because you want to see if he'll put the effort in to salvage the friendship at least.  Unfortunately, the outlook doesn't seem too promising.  You two have survived not speaking for years, but this time it's that much worse simply because more has happened between you.  Face the music, he doesn't want you or need you.  Even if they say they'll never leave, everyone always does eventually.

It's that hopelessness and helplessness. Everyone has seemingly given up on you.  You fall into the role of the listening ear so easily that they think you're fine. You blog so much about your problems, no one's going to open that can of worms because it'll be the same old, same old.  No one expects anything more than tears or anger or silence.

I just want something to work out for once ... and for it to stay. I'm tired of all the rejection and loss.

I Don't Know How to Be Something You Miss.

This is my life.

Some people, my best friend included, would wonder why it's taken me so long to get to this point.  For me it's a simple answer: I'm still in love.  Despite all the fights, apathy and anger on his part, pain and crying on my part, I still love the guy.  It kills me to see that he's moving on with his life perfectly fine without me, but I'm stuck.  My life is moving and certain parts of me are changing, but those feelings remain the same.  Today I did what I've been holding off on doing for the past 5 months - I deleted all the pictures of the two of us from my Facebook.

As dramatic and stupid as it sounds, I cried as I hit the 'delete' button on each one of those photos.  I'd held off on deleting them for so long because I didn't want to admit it was real.  I didn't want to finally confirm to myself that this is how my life was panning out.  I didn't want to get rid of the last physical (digital?) remnants of the relationship that I'd tried so hard to hold onto.  Deleting those pictures made it real.  Deleting those pictures made me truly realize that our relationship is over, that we'll never be that way again.

Those pictures were the last pieces of evidence to the public eye that I once made him happy.  (Everything else is boxed up and stuffed into a dusty corner somewhere in each of our homes, I'm sure) Those pictures signified how we were once - happy, silly, only having eyes for each other, in love.

Deleting those pictures off public forum felt worse than when I put everything he had ever given me, souvenirs from events we'd gone to together, ticket stubs from movies and shows we'd seen, letters, photos, into a box and hid it from view.  Boxing everything up was a private affair, it was a self-admittance and I managed it after a month.  Deleting photos off of Facebook and twitpic and wherever else I'd posted them on the internet meant having to admit to everyone else that it really is over.  All of our mutual friends already knew, and all of my own friends did too, but seeing and knowing are two different things.  Now it's an actual fact.  Now everyone knows that I've realized it's over too.

It's my first step in letting go, but I never imagined it would hurt this much.

Sad blog post is sad ... but this is my life.

Downfall.

It's that feeling of disappointment and knowing that I'm losing respect for you that really suck. I don't think you did your research because what you're advocating is not nearly as simple as you're making it out to be.