Giving Up On You.

Whenever I plan something, I try to make it so that the most people are accommodated.  Whenever I don't plan something, I don't seem to get the same courtesy.  There's a set date and time already, but one friend says they can't make it, so a new date gets chosen.  I can't make the new date, nothing changes.  And it's always that same friend that gets heaven and earth moved for them (it's driving me crazy using the plural pronoun for a singular person, but I'm trying to be sort of objective here) and that just irks me to no end.  Plans change, arrangements for rides and other details are made, people go out of their way for this friend ... 

Always happens.

But strangely, I'm used to it.  It irritates the fuck out of me, but I'm used to it.  I'm used to being blown off.  I'm used to being told I live too far away.  I'm used to being left out of plans entirely.  I'm used to having to be self-reliant in getting anywhere.  I'm used to not getting ride offers.  I'm used to being told that the plans "can't" change if I can't make it.  I'm used to telling people, "It's okay, you guys go have fun.  If that date works better for everyone else, I don't mind."

I shouldn't be used to that.

I shouldn't have to compromise that much.  I shouldn't have to concede so far that it's not even a compromise anymore, that's me giving in entirely.

Makes me re-evaluate all of my friendships entirely.

You Know How to Waste My Time.

Once upon a time I was the one who would walk away from an argument. I would be the one to shut down and stop talking. Now I'm on the other side and actually extremely frustrated.

The truth is, I don't think I can handle this volatility, I'm just not emotionally or mentally capable of it right now. I started using the tag "perils of being crazy" as a joke when I was first being treated for my depression - a way to make light of my situation, I think today might be the first time I'm using this tag in a non-humorous way.  Typically, I'm already in the middle of a break when using the aforementioned tag, today I'm actually on the brink. This situation I find myself in is just so ridiculous and overwhelming - and not in a good way. I'm just so confused and out of sorts in terms of my emotions. I don't know which way is up or down. One minute things are great, the next everything's gone to shit. It's all so very tiring.

While I strongly believe I'm nowhere near a mental breakdown, I'm definitely more in edge now than I've been for at least a month and a half.

I don't even know what to say anymore. I don't even know what to think.

Ugh.

I Just Can't Let You Have the Rest of Me.

I desperately feel the need to cry, but no tears are actually forming, let alone falling.  I guess it's because I know that I can't waste anymore tears on people who a) don't really care how much they affect me, b) don't understand and don't even try to understand my sensitive nature, and c) act as if my opinion/needs/actions/attempts don't matter.

My relationship with my father has never been great.  As a child, he was constantly berating me for wanting to dance, play an instrument, and write rather than doing karate, being good at a "traditional sport", and exceling in math or science.  It was always an issue of "I want to be able to tell my friends that my daughter can do everything their sons can do" and "I wantto be able to brag about you" Evidently being a girl and doing things that I was actually good at and wanted to do wasn't ever good enough.  Even to this day, he's always dropping lines like "You should go to law school" or "Why don't you go be a doctor?" because aspiring to do Speech-Language Pathology or anything to do with special needs isn't a high enough goal.

Now you know the reason why I've struggled with my self-esteem and why my social life most often takes the hit because I try so hard to do something "right" in my dad's eyes -he'd prefer if I stayed home all the damn time and do housework.

He hasn't spoken to me for almost 2 weeks now because I neglected one bit of housework. He won't even acknowledge my presence, even if I greet him the moment i walk through the door after coming home from work or dance or wherever - that's if he's even on the main floor of the house, he's usually holed up in his room when I get home.  He's stopped eating dinner with the family and has started going to bed earlier so he doesn't have to see me at all.  The last time he gave me the silent treatment, which was actually less than a month ago, I figured I'd try to ingratiate myself and say 'good night' before I went up, the look he gave me was so full of malice I had to cry afterwards.  No child should ever see that look from one of their parents.

Frankly, it pisses me off, but at the same time it sucks and it hurts.

Every child aims to make their parents proud, I have honestly never achieved that; at least not where my ather is concerned.  But for him to be so petty and act so childish just grates on me, and it's the reason that I will likely be out of my parents' house by the end of the summer.

Anyway, the other person I feel the need to cry over, but can't? Just one look and that's all it takes.  It was a look I've seen given to people that have really crossed the line.  Yet another person I never ever thought I would receive that malignant look from, but I did.  I will admit I was in the wrong, but that is a look I'll never forget, one I really don't think I deserved despite my wrong-doing.  It was a simple joke, but I got burned.

No tears here, which is surprising, but maybe I'm just done.  I'm fed up with crying over people who don't treat me appropriately.  I'm over being visibly sad about things these people have done.  I'm realizing that I am good enough and if that's not enough for them, then screw them.

I mean, I'm still sad - and that comes with the territory of being depressed, but I won't cry anymore.  I can't.

I do have to say I am quite impressed that I am not more sad considering today's date - I know, I know, it seems like nearly every day has significance as I always seem to write posts complaining about certain dates.  I guess it means I'm on the right track though - this date holds a huge amount of significance, like epic proportions of significance, and the fact that I'm not that sad is a huge deal, so pardon me as I say that I am super proud of myself.

I just unloaded a lot of personal things onto here, I hope I didn't scare anyone off, but maybe my readers feel like they know me a little bit better :)

Recommended Listening: You Don't Get a song - Esthero

Makes Me Wonder.

So unimpressed right now.

Actually.

I can't even explain how unimpressed I am.

Redundant post is redundant, but necessary.

(Evidently, irony is not lost either)

Ugh.

I'll Never Be The Same.

You're standing on a bridge overlooking the river.  As you stare into the oddly aquamarine depths, you wonder how far down the river bed lies.  Just a few meters up, you see a span of earth beneath the surface of the water and estimate that it would be waist-high at the most.

As you lose your heart and your world comes to a complete halt, you idly wonder how long it would take to reach that mound of river bed from the area just below where you're standing, considering the currents and your lack of swimming ability.

You have the urge to jump: not to die, just to feel.

There's an empty space where your heart once resided; no pain, but it's an unbearable sensation - nothing you've ever experienced before.  Jumping would give you freedom, if only for a few minutes.  It would allow you to feel something different, even temporarily:  the cool water in relief of the unseasonal heat, the rush of the free fall, the resistance of the water as you moved against it, adrenaline pumping through your veins, assuring you that despite a lack of beating in your chest, you are indeed still living.

As tempting as it is, you don't jump.  It would be pretty dumb considering the currents and your lack of swimming ability.  Besides, you don't have a change of clothes, and it would be pretty humiliating if you belly flopped having never dived from anything in your life.  No, as much of a rush and relief it would be to jump into the rippling river below, there are other ways to feel again, even if it takes a while to get there.

Every "Until Next Time" Feels Like One Bad Punch Line.

I'm exhausted, but every time I turn out the light, close my eyes, and try to fall asleep my mind becomes inondated by thoughts and memories and the accompanying feelings.  Each time I'm about to finally drift off, I'm overwhelmed, regardless of how I try to prevent my mind from turning to those figments.

It's no secret (anymore, at least) that I do suffer from a form of depression.  There are days where I'm sad for no apparent reason and am completely unable to pull myself from the pit despite all my intentions and attempts to do so.  The key component, however, is that whenever I am in one of those depressive phases, it's usually affecting my self-esteem and perspective of self.  Today is different.

This week is different.

This state I'm in doesn't have me berating myself or reevaluating my outlook on my prospective future.  Rather, I'm in some state of mourning.  It's been an entire year since my life changed completely.  365 days since my world was flipped sideways and counter-rotated.  While I do count a number of gains in the past year, I lost most of the things that truly mattered, the things I cherished above all else.

Unfortunately, today also marks a year of having my feelings dismissed, mostly unintentionally.  Grief makes people uncomfortable and unwilling to address it.  I understand that aspect: it's difficult to console someone, especially if you are unable to relate to what they are going through.  I guess the aspect that is a little harder to comprehend is telling someone "Just forget him. You deserve better anyway. You'll be fine."

It's dismissive and presumptuous.

I've discussed this a lot in previous entries, I'm the type who internalizes everything and I know I'm not the only one.  That isn't to say that we "internalizers" don't want people asking how we feel or what we think.  In my case, I often feel like I'm a nuisance if I merely call someone up just to talk about my emotions.  (I'm in therapy now for this, but that's an entirely different story).  A year ago, nobody really asked how I was doing, they just dismissed.  Assumed I would bounce back and stand up on my own within a few weeks.  Assumed that I could forget [intense] feelings I'd had for years. Assumed that by telling me I deserved better that I would simply believe it and move on.

I could have, should have, spoken up and corrected those assumptions, but I didn't so there is fault on myself too.  I also think I was so numb to everything around me that I didn't notice all that much that people weren't asking, just telling.

Alas, retrospect is 20/20 after all.

I digress.  Back to the main point, I can't sleep because my mind is racing and reminding me of everything that's happened in the last year and a half, and I need to be up for work in less than five hours.  It's funny, in a weird way, that I'm more depressed now than I was immediately after the break-up.  I think back then I just didn't feel anything, and in fact, I really didn't let myself feel anything.  I threw myself into work and literally worked myself to exhaustion.  This year, I have way more time on my hands - more time to myself.  Unfortunately for me, this means more time to think and settle into these sad feelings.  Since I've started therapy, I have gotten better at not thinking myself into bad moods, but there is still the aspect of merely waking up some mornings and feeling depressed for no apparent reason - those phases are the ones I can't pull myself out of by changing my trainof thought.

I'm sure I can pull myself out of this hole ... just not tonight.  I think my exhaustion is just hampering my will-power.  Not to mention, this date in general is one huge trigger.  In a few days, I hope to be fine; I mean, I'd been having one of my good phases for about a week, so hopefully I can pick myself up in the next few days.

As much as I wish circumstances were different, the reality is they're not, so I've no choice but to adapt and try to feel better.  To paraphase from a previous entry of mine (see: We Got Knocked Off Course By a Natural Force), I'm still in deep water, but I'm learning to tread it - and I'm also learning how to depend on my friends more to talk about my feelings and burdens.

(I apologize for any typos)

Recommended listening (blog entry title taken from): "Don't Want an Ending" - Sam Tsui

Let's Settle the Score.

It's nice that on a day like today (i.e. Semicolon Project 416, a year since that) I'm worth you texting me back ... not.

Ha ha ha fucking ha.

I'm Strong Enough to Mend.

You're too young to look so sad, dear. Chin up.

I was out today and an older woman I made eye contact with said the aforementioned quote.  All I could really do was give her a small smile and nod in acknowledgement as we continued on our separate ways.  I guess you know it's a really low phase when a complete stranger can tell how down and out you are.

I'm working on it.  It's just really difficult sometimes.

Apologies for the lack of updates.  I'm currently drafting an entry that I've been working on for a week and a half now, it's not quite what I want it to be yet.  Hopefully soon.

Letters of Upset.

Dear You,

I know it's not intentional, and jokes are jokes, but you're being a bit of an insensitive jerk.

From,
Me.

The Only Thing that Keeps Me Wishing.

It's a bit disheartening, but a tad liberating at the same time, when you finally realize someone is likely always going to let you down.

You can hope for the best and wish things to change, but wishing only gets you so far. Besides, too many things have transpired and the situation is so far out of your control for it to ever change. 

That moment you accept this fact breaks your heart that much more, but it's a step in the right direction.  You can't control the other person anymore than you can control the situation.  You can never know what is going through the other person's mind, or what their feeling, or their motivations for why they do what they do. That's life though, isn't it? You never know.

I've been aware that I've been let down over and over for almost a year now, but now I think I finally just get it. I've finally accepted it as the absolute certainty in my life.  I'm going to continue being let down so long as the dynamic of this entire thing remains the same, but I still hope to be proved wrong - for my absolute certainty to not be so absolute.

I may be holding out for a miracle, but I'm not going to hold my breath anymore.

[Edit 10:57 pm: Pleasantly surprised ... still not expecting a lot though]

Harder to Breathe.

Saw Maroon 5 in concert tonight. I just about died seeing Adam Levine in person and literally meters away.

Unfortunately I couldn't even enjoy that high, thanks a friggin lot.

Calm Me Down, Calm Me Down.

Setting the counter back to 0.

I was doing so well for myself, but "all good things must come to an end," and "what goes up, must come down", and what not after all! Unfortunately, what comes down crashes and burns in a horrible way.

5-5-1-1. 5-5-1-1. 5-5-1-1.

I Need Something, But I Get Nothing.

Listening to Grace Potter and The Nocturnals and gorging myself on ice cream tonight.  This, sad to say, is my life right now.

I've been experiencing a low phase in my current dichotomy of emotions for the past few days.  Suffice to say, I'd love to just sleep my life away right now.  Hardly anything can hold my attention or spark a lasting interest.  I mean, yesterday I received the three song books I ordered off of Amazon last week, sat myself at my piano, and within a half hour I'd completely lost interest in learning the songs I had been anticipating to do.  I can't even motivate myself to go to the gym, it's been two weeks and despite how awful I feel about myself, I just can't.

Indulged in a bit of retail therapy with my mom yesterday afternoon.  Managed to score a leather jacket (because you absolutely cannot resist buying a $300 jacket for only $60, you'd be insane not to take the deal), a pair of kick-ass high heeled boots I've been craving since November.  I did my nails and actually put a lot of effort into the nail art last night in an effort to make myself feel, well, something.  Unfortunately, I'm not sure I actually like the design I did so it was a bit of a failed attempt.  Aside from feeling slight satisfaction in my purchases and actually making my nails look a little fancier than usual, nothing.

It really sucks having, really, only two emotions ... okay, three consistently.  Numb, depression, rage.  Happiness is only ephemeral and happens, pretty much, just in the company of my child clients at work.  One of the many things I am thankful for with my current occupation - children are just inherently happy and it's contagious.  Unfortunately, the effects, for me, wear off the moment I'm back in my car.

I guess I'm praying for a miracle to happen and to make me feel a much wider range of emotions as of yesterday, but I know that's impossible.  I'm hoping this coming week will get me out of my funk, even if it is just temporary.  In all honesty, my entire life right now is just full of "temporaries," I'm really not counting on any "permanents" - now that would be wishful thinking.

Turn Around and Run Away.

Anxiety creeping in at exponential levels tonight.

Trying to find someone to spend the hour prior to my appointment tomorrow to distract me from the nervousness and ensure I actually go. Unfortunately my search has been fruitless.

I could go work out, but I feel like I may accidentally-on-purpose work out too long. I mean, the deposit I paid to book that appointment would be forfeit, but it wasn't that expensive...

Ugh.

I Got Nothing Left to Show You.

"Why are you sad?"

"I'm not sad, sweetie."

"Oh, but you have a sad face on!"

"Do I have a sad looking mouth?"

"No ... but your eyes look sad!"

"I'm just tired ... that's all."

"Oh ... that's okay then.  I thought you were sad. You should get more sleep!"

[Sigh] ... the perception and lack of filter in 4-and 5-year-olds never ceases to amaze me.  Of course, it's also nice that they can be so easily swayed to believe untruths.

Never Gonna Leave This Bed.

Feeling a little shitty tonight. Not as bad as last night though which is a huge plus.

Triggers are in a huge abundance tonight. I've been reminded of a certain former friend's huge lack of consideration, not to mention constant need for attention.  Anyway, triggers are triggers and I really don't need them right now. 

I guess I can say that I do feel accomplished in having submitted a few more grad school applications today. Silver linings and all that.

Sorry, short post is short.

Sink into Oblivion.

If nothing else, I just want to feel okay again.

Taking Shortcuts and False Solutions.

Hopeful. Hopeless. Moving on. Letting go. Rewind. Falling back. Take a breath. Leave me alone. Stay with me. Crash. Fall apart. Crack. Heal. Cry a little. Get angry. Calm. Breaking down. Confidence. Self-doubt. Fighter. Wave the white flag. Snoop. Stop. Go. Move? Stay. Strengthen resolve. Give up. It's for the better. Why does it happen like this? It's not okay. Fight back, fight back, fight back. Get annoyed. Distractions. Disappear for a while. Lose yourself in words. Read. Write. Cry. Scream. Laugh. High heels. Dinner. Dreaming. Adventure? Wishful thinking. Stress, stress, stress. Sleep away the afternoon. Paper work. Oops. Coffee-addiction returns. Doubt, doubt, doubt. Uncertainty. Smile. Be yourself. But it's hard. Love me. Love yourself. Talk. Listen. Try again. Work hard. Stay true. Laugh. Fall apart. Stand up. Dance. Sing. Write. Keep Smiling. Live. /end

Hold Your Breath and Fall Apart.

I've been in strange moods for the past few days.  As usual, I've got a song that matches the mood.  This song has been on repeat in my car during my commutes quite often (I'll let the album play, but once I get to this song I hit the repeat mode).  Anyway, I've mentioned in previous posts that Esthero is my favourite female artist, and her first album in seven years was released just a few months ago.  I received my signed copy of it in the mail just last week.

This is hands down my favourite song on the album, unfortunately, the video below was the only one I was able to find of it.  The album features Jonah Johnson, but this version has the talented Ron Sexsmith.  The audience makes it a little tricky to hear the actual song though.  I recommend taking a listen to the studio version here. (You do have to create an account, which is kind of a pain, but totally worth it.)

I think I've rambled enough ... so without further ado, Crash - Esthero ft. Ron Sexsmith.

Crashed down on the floor,

Hold your breath and fall apart.

You made a simple mistake,

And now you're paying for it with your heart.

Some of us make our own beds,

But we can't afford to lay in them.

Remember I always have said you should leave me alone ...

'Cause I don't wanna crash now,

I'm afraid that I'm going nowhere way too fast.

And I can't hear what you say,

I'm in a conversation with my past.

Well maybe, I wasn't that brave,

So much as brazen, but it got me through.

And somehow the path that I paved

Just keeps leading me to you.

But I don't wanna crash now.

I don't wanna crash now.

I shoulda never been afraid to lay you down,

I just wanna hold you in my arms again,

If only for a moment I could have you here,

Lady, I would never let you go,

But I don't wanna crash now.

I don't wanna crash now.

Come on in the sun,

When you're scared, then face it down,

'Cause here I am in your love ...

Keep facing the sun, you'll reach it one day.

Baby don't look back til you get what you need,

And you need to be free.

And when the sun goes down,

There's still tomorrow,

Don't be afraid to let your sorrow breathe.

Your strength is all you need.

Did you ever know you were the one?

'Cause I could hardly even tell ...

I Don't Know When I Lost My Mind.

I've been in strange moods lately.  It's this inexplicable blend of nonchalance and caring about every single thing; apathy and fury, stolidity and anguish. 

When I go to the mall and can blow nearly $300 in one go, plus all the online shopping I've been doing for the past two weeks, and not feel buyer's remorse, you know something is up.  I just wish I could explain it.  I am at such a loss for words right now.

I have such a difficult time getting up in the morning, and not for lack of rest, I guess it's almost as if I just can't find a really good reason to get out of bed anymore.  I do because I have responsibilities, to myself and to my brother.  I do because I enjoy my job and so those kids can be successful.  I do because I want to feel useful.  But, somehow, it's not enough. I need more.  I need that reason to get up in the morning; that one driving force that makes me happy to get out of bed, makes me feel like morning cannot come soon enough, not because I have a duty to fulfill.

I guess right now I'm just coasting through life ... I miss the rush.  I miss having a constant in life.  I mean, sure, work is constant and routine, but it's mundane.  I missing having a constant which remained so even if everything was monotonously ongoing or completely flipped on its head.  The constant of knowing there was something to look forward to at the end of everyday - right now, I have nothing to look forward to.  Wake up, work, come home, do paper work, sleep, rinse and repeat.

I'm tired of feeling like this ... it's all so ridiculously tedious.

I haven't even gone into detail about how certain things just set me off ... when I'm not feeling nonchalant and bland (which I am about 70% of the time), I feel extremely - it's never just mad or sad, it's furious or depressed.  It's mostly right before I go to bed, those moments when I'm just lying in the dark staring up at the atramentous ceiling, thinking.  Thinking about things that could have been, things in the past that I wish I could change, the future, everything: school, work, life, love, family.

At least if I were bi-polar I would have an actual reason for the way I've been feeling and acting lately.  Right now I'm lost.  Like I said before, I'm coasting, but I miss the rush.  I'm tired of the mundaneness that has become my life.

Whatever it is, I am definitely ready for a holiday.

All I want for Christmas is ...

Well ... I can't even answer that right now, because I don't even know.