I was volunteering at a charity gala last night and had a lot of fun. I got all glammed up in my fancy dress and sky high heels, did my hair and put more effort into my make-up regimen. I shared lots of laughs with the other volunteers and had an overall grand time. (I kept a lot of it in, but I was also mentally judging all the rich women who were wearing HORRIBLE frocks - in style and in fit. Evidently, money cannot buy a sense of fashion.) Of course, I spent a lot of the night trying to not be in the same room as him, trying to respect his wishes that we need time and space apart. As much as I wanted to at least talk to him a bit, I knew I shouldn't; and as much as it hurt, I think I pulled it off pretty well.
Inevitably however, a friend's sister asked how I was holding up - if things were awkward. And inevitably, another friend who is currently in a long-distance relationship needed to vent. He and I are going through similar things - he kept talking about certain aspects of his relationship and how much he missed her and why he missed her, and all I could think about was how much I understood how he was feeling. The only difference, of course, is that she's still coming back - he still has her. I don't even have a chance. I told him so: He's lucky he still has her and that he knows she'll be coming home. He's fortunate that they both have strong feelings for each other. I know it makes me sound selfish in a lot of ways to apply his situation and feelings to myself, but I can't help it.
"I'm reminded every time I drive down that road."
I don't think anyone truly realizes the extent to which this applies to my life. I said it in my last entry, I'm fine when I'm at work or at school where my mind is continuously bombarded with things that pertain to those situations, but the moment I'm alone in my car driving to or from wherever it is I need to be I'm reminded of everything.
Remember when we got stuck in traffic that one day on this exact road? We had gone to dinner to celebrate our first anniversary. We kept ourselves busy by making words out of people's license plates, and when that got exhausted, we'd get into tickle fights. Remember that other time we were driving this route and we were having that really bad argument? That was a moment I thought we would be through for sure, but you pulled through for me - you showed me how you wanted to work it out. Remember that time we went shopping and then I had to go to work, but the traffic was so bad you had to find another route for us to take? I wish I could just navigate my way around the city like you did that day. I was still half an hour late for work, but you got me there and we had an adventure the entire way there.
There are so many other moments, but those were meant just for us. And I'm sure anyone reading my blog isn't terribly interested in the specific moments that made us.
"I miss all the annoying things."
That's a sign you really care for someone, let alone love them. You're willing to look past the things that grind your gears about the other person because those ticks are what make them them. To be honest, it's all the annoying things that I miss the most right now. I mean, I miss all the romantic nuances and habits that made me smile, but it was the irritants that were specific to him, they're the things that he just did - there was no thought behind these things, no rhyme or reason for them.
There was another quote that really wrenched my heart, but I've already forgotten it ... maybe the impact wasn't as extreme as I thought. Or maybe it's just the effects of the long night we had and my utter exhaustion today. Or maybe I really am letting go - slowly.
As much as the conversations of last night hit me hard, they really made me just want him as a friend, (at least). At this point in the game, I'll take anything I can get. Yes, I terribly miss my lover, but I miss my friend much more. I think the pain of not having that friendship is worse than knowing my romantic feelings are unrequited.
(Apologies for another depressing entry ... I'm working on it.)
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