I Don't Know When I Lost My Mind.

I've been in strange moods lately.  It's this inexplicable blend of nonchalance and caring about every single thing; apathy and fury, stolidity and anguish. 

When I go to the mall and can blow nearly $300 in one go, plus all the online shopping I've been doing for the past two weeks, and not feel buyer's remorse, you know something is up.  I just wish I could explain it.  I am at such a loss for words right now.

I have such a difficult time getting up in the morning, and not for lack of rest, I guess it's almost as if I just can't find a really good reason to get out of bed anymore.  I do because I have responsibilities, to myself and to my brother.  I do because I enjoy my job and so those kids can be successful.  I do because I want to feel useful.  But, somehow, it's not enough. I need more.  I need that reason to get up in the morning; that one driving force that makes me happy to get out of bed, makes me feel like morning cannot come soon enough, not because I have a duty to fulfill.

I guess right now I'm just coasting through life ... I miss the rush.  I miss having a constant in life.  I mean, sure, work is constant and routine, but it's mundane.  I missing having a constant which remained so even if everything was monotonously ongoing or completely flipped on its head.  The constant of knowing there was something to look forward to at the end of everyday - right now, I have nothing to look forward to.  Wake up, work, come home, do paper work, sleep, rinse and repeat.

I'm tired of feeling like this ... it's all so ridiculously tedious.

I haven't even gone into detail about how certain things just set me off ... when I'm not feeling nonchalant and bland (which I am about 70% of the time), I feel extremely - it's never just mad or sad, it's furious or depressed.  It's mostly right before I go to bed, those moments when I'm just lying in the dark staring up at the atramentous ceiling, thinking.  Thinking about things that could have been, things in the past that I wish I could change, the future, everything: school, work, life, love, family.

At least if I were bi-polar I would have an actual reason for the way I've been feeling and acting lately.  Right now I'm lost.  Like I said before, I'm coasting, but I miss the rush.  I'm tired of the mundaneness that has become my life.

Whatever it is, I am definitely ready for a holiday.

All I want for Christmas is ...

Well ... I can't even answer that right now, because I don't even know.