I Just Can't Let You Have the Rest of Me.

I desperately feel the need to cry, but no tears are actually forming, let alone falling.  I guess it's because I know that I can't waste anymore tears on people who a) don't really care how much they affect me, b) don't understand and don't even try to understand my sensitive nature, and c) act as if my opinion/needs/actions/attempts don't matter.

My relationship with my father has never been great.  As a child, he was constantly berating me for wanting to dance, play an instrument, and write rather than doing karate, being good at a "traditional sport", and exceling in math or science.  It was always an issue of "I want to be able to tell my friends that my daughter can do everything their sons can do" and "I wantto be able to brag about you" Evidently being a girl and doing things that I was actually good at and wanted to do wasn't ever good enough.  Even to this day, he's always dropping lines like "You should go to law school" or "Why don't you go be a doctor?" because aspiring to do Speech-Language Pathology or anything to do with special needs isn't a high enough goal.

Now you know the reason why I've struggled with my self-esteem and why my social life most often takes the hit because I try so hard to do something "right" in my dad's eyes -he'd prefer if I stayed home all the damn time and do housework.

He hasn't spoken to me for almost 2 weeks now because I neglected one bit of housework. He won't even acknowledge my presence, even if I greet him the moment i walk through the door after coming home from work or dance or wherever - that's if he's even on the main floor of the house, he's usually holed up in his room when I get home.  He's stopped eating dinner with the family and has started going to bed earlier so he doesn't have to see me at all.  The last time he gave me the silent treatment, which was actually less than a month ago, I figured I'd try to ingratiate myself and say 'good night' before I went up, the look he gave me was so full of malice I had to cry afterwards.  No child should ever see that look from one of their parents.

Frankly, it pisses me off, but at the same time it sucks and it hurts.

Every child aims to make their parents proud, I have honestly never achieved that; at least not where my ather is concerned.  But for him to be so petty and act so childish just grates on me, and it's the reason that I will likely be out of my parents' house by the end of the summer.

Anyway, the other person I feel the need to cry over, but can't? Just one look and that's all it takes.  It was a look I've seen given to people that have really crossed the line.  Yet another person I never ever thought I would receive that malignant look from, but I did.  I will admit I was in the wrong, but that is a look I'll never forget, one I really don't think I deserved despite my wrong-doing.  It was a simple joke, but I got burned.

No tears here, which is surprising, but maybe I'm just done.  I'm fed up with crying over people who don't treat me appropriately.  I'm over being visibly sad about things these people have done.  I'm realizing that I am good enough and if that's not enough for them, then screw them.

I mean, I'm still sad - and that comes with the territory of being depressed, but I won't cry anymore.  I can't.

I do have to say I am quite impressed that I am not more sad considering today's date - I know, I know, it seems like nearly every day has significance as I always seem to write posts complaining about certain dates.  I guess it means I'm on the right track though - this date holds a huge amount of significance, like epic proportions of significance, and the fact that I'm not that sad is a huge deal, so pardon me as I say that I am super proud of myself.

I just unloaded a lot of personal things onto here, I hope I didn't scare anyone off, but maybe my readers feel like they know me a little bit better :)

Recommended Listening: You Don't Get a song - Esthero

Every "Until Next Time" Feels Like One Bad Punch Line.

I'm exhausted, but every time I turn out the light, close my eyes, and try to fall asleep my mind becomes inondated by thoughts and memories and the accompanying feelings.  Each time I'm about to finally drift off, I'm overwhelmed, regardless of how I try to prevent my mind from turning to those figments.

It's no secret (anymore, at least) that I do suffer from a form of depression.  There are days where I'm sad for no apparent reason and am completely unable to pull myself from the pit despite all my intentions and attempts to do so.  The key component, however, is that whenever I am in one of those depressive phases, it's usually affecting my self-esteem and perspective of self.  Today is different.

This week is different.

This state I'm in doesn't have me berating myself or reevaluating my outlook on my prospective future.  Rather, I'm in some state of mourning.  It's been an entire year since my life changed completely.  365 days since my world was flipped sideways and counter-rotated.  While I do count a number of gains in the past year, I lost most of the things that truly mattered, the things I cherished above all else.

Unfortunately, today also marks a year of having my feelings dismissed, mostly unintentionally.  Grief makes people uncomfortable and unwilling to address it.  I understand that aspect: it's difficult to console someone, especially if you are unable to relate to what they are going through.  I guess the aspect that is a little harder to comprehend is telling someone "Just forget him. You deserve better anyway. You'll be fine."

It's dismissive and presumptuous.

I've discussed this a lot in previous entries, I'm the type who internalizes everything and I know I'm not the only one.  That isn't to say that we "internalizers" don't want people asking how we feel or what we think.  In my case, I often feel like I'm a nuisance if I merely call someone up just to talk about my emotions.  (I'm in therapy now for this, but that's an entirely different story).  A year ago, nobody really asked how I was doing, they just dismissed.  Assumed I would bounce back and stand up on my own within a few weeks.  Assumed that I could forget [intense] feelings I'd had for years. Assumed that by telling me I deserved better that I would simply believe it and move on.

I could have, should have, spoken up and corrected those assumptions, but I didn't so there is fault on myself too.  I also think I was so numb to everything around me that I didn't notice all that much that people weren't asking, just telling.

Alas, retrospect is 20/20 after all.

I digress.  Back to the main point, I can't sleep because my mind is racing and reminding me of everything that's happened in the last year and a half, and I need to be up for work in less than five hours.  It's funny, in a weird way, that I'm more depressed now than I was immediately after the break-up.  I think back then I just didn't feel anything, and in fact, I really didn't let myself feel anything.  I threw myself into work and literally worked myself to exhaustion.  This year, I have way more time on my hands - more time to myself.  Unfortunately for me, this means more time to think and settle into these sad feelings.  Since I've started therapy, I have gotten better at not thinking myself into bad moods, but there is still the aspect of merely waking up some mornings and feeling depressed for no apparent reason - those phases are the ones I can't pull myself out of by changing my trainof thought.

I'm sure I can pull myself out of this hole ... just not tonight.  I think my exhaustion is just hampering my will-power.  Not to mention, this date in general is one huge trigger.  In a few days, I hope to be fine; I mean, I'd been having one of my good phases for about a week, so hopefully I can pick myself up in the next few days.

As much as I wish circumstances were different, the reality is they're not, so I've no choice but to adapt and try to feel better.  To paraphase from a previous entry of mine (see: We Got Knocked Off Course By a Natural Force), I'm still in deep water, but I'm learning to tread it - and I'm also learning how to depend on my friends more to talk about my feelings and burdens.

(I apologize for any typos)

Recommended listening (blog entry title taken from): "Don't Want an Ending" - Sam Tsui

We Got Knocked Off Course By a Natural Force and We'll be Swimming When It's Gone.

"The worst thing is watching someone drown and not being able to convince them that they can save themselves by them that they can save themselves by simply standing up"

This time last year, I was drowning. I was too far out to simply stand up, but I was still close enough that if I had just grabbed onto one of the flotation devices around me, I could have been standing up much sooner. I didn't though. I thought my weight was just that: my own. How could I expect one of these floaters to bear my burden, even just a fraction of it?

There was a tiny voice in my head that kept saying "Go on, reach out." but this was constantly lost amidst the roars of self-pity and misdirected anger. As a result, I found myself further out at sea; flotation devices still within sight, but far enough that I would need to swim to get to them. Unfortunately, in all my hesitation and reluctance, I failed to realize the largest and closest floater was drifting away. The current was taking me further out to sea and the floater to a far away land; its own currents forcing it further away. Soon enough, that floater was very nearly out of sight, and to my dismay, back-to-back storms were quickly approaching.

Despite losing sight of my most likely saviour, I remained diffident to reaching for the other flotation devices. On the contrary, in fact: my hesitation remained, and my belief that my weight was purely my own to bear persisted. All the more I thought I could save myself. I was entirely ignorant of the fact that the currents I was facing were too strong to confront on my own.

During the storms I managed to keep my head above water - but only just so. I persisted, alone, what I did not realize was that I was simply coasting along. I wasn't confronting my problems, merely allowing them to take me away. Each time I thought I had reached a depth where I could stand, it was a falsehood - an illusion. I had drifted too far away and the waters were too deep.

I'm still in deep water now, but I'm learning to tread it. I'm also learning that grabbing onto those flotation devices called friends is okay. Actually, it's more than okay, it's good, and it's encouraged to do so. You can save yourself by learning to swim, but sometimes you need the reprieve - nobody was made weaker or any lesser than they were by admitting they needed a break.

Unfortunately, treading water gets exhausting sometimes, and there are moments when I can't tread - not for lack of wanting to, but because I just can't. The desire to tread is present, but the motivation is missing. Even with the aid of those flotation devices, there is no urgency to keep afloat. Despite being unhappy that my head is very nearly under water, I remain in a stasis, neither sinking nor rising above.

This recent experience of not being able to convince myself to float, in spite of my every desire to do so, has made me reflect that perhaps more is required to get me out of the deep end. Maybe it isn't just an issue of the conceptual mind, but an issue of physiology and chemistry.

In any case, I am still so very far from the shores that I long to be near. There is no doubt that the journey back will be lengthy and tumultuous, but finally beginning to reach out and rely on others will help smooth some of the obstacles, even just a little, throughout the transition. I will stand up again in shallow waters, but for now I will continue to fight to maintain my head above water.

I Need Something, But I Get Nothing.

Listening to Grace Potter and The Nocturnals and gorging myself on ice cream tonight.  This, sad to say, is my life right now.

I've been experiencing a low phase in my current dichotomy of emotions for the past few days.  Suffice to say, I'd love to just sleep my life away right now.  Hardly anything can hold my attention or spark a lasting interest.  I mean, yesterday I received the three song books I ordered off of Amazon last week, sat myself at my piano, and within a half hour I'd completely lost interest in learning the songs I had been anticipating to do.  I can't even motivate myself to go to the gym, it's been two weeks and despite how awful I feel about myself, I just can't.

Indulged in a bit of retail therapy with my mom yesterday afternoon.  Managed to score a leather jacket (because you absolutely cannot resist buying a $300 jacket for only $60, you'd be insane not to take the deal), a pair of kick-ass high heeled boots I've been craving since November.  I did my nails and actually put a lot of effort into the nail art last night in an effort to make myself feel, well, something.  Unfortunately, I'm not sure I actually like the design I did so it was a bit of a failed attempt.  Aside from feeling slight satisfaction in my purchases and actually making my nails look a little fancier than usual, nothing.

It really sucks having, really, only two emotions ... okay, three consistently.  Numb, depression, rage.  Happiness is only ephemeral and happens, pretty much, just in the company of my child clients at work.  One of the many things I am thankful for with my current occupation - children are just inherently happy and it's contagious.  Unfortunately, the effects, for me, wear off the moment I'm back in my car.

I guess I'm praying for a miracle to happen and to make me feel a much wider range of emotions as of yesterday, but I know that's impossible.  I'm hoping this coming week will get me out of my funk, even if it is just temporary.  In all honesty, my entire life right now is just full of "temporaries," I'm really not counting on any "permanents" - now that would be wishful thinking.

Lack of Passion is Fatal.

Chemistry between two people is something that cannot be forced.  It's the natural flow of things between two personalities striving in togetherness; it's the product of a mutual attraction.  Everything is simple and feels normal, right: the careless banter, physical closeness, a certain sense of comfort.  Chemistry is achieving that harmony without actually putting a ton of effort in.

It's what you do with that chemistry, however, that determines where the relationship goes.  It can be great or it can fall devastatingly flat.  After all, chemistry can only be so much of a relationship.  Good friends will always have good chemistry.  Lovers, on the other hand, have something more.

There's a certain passion attached to being in love: a passion to be with the other person, to make that person happy, to make it last.  Passion isn't as naturally-occurring as chemistry, however.  Passion arises from the desire to make the chemistry withstand time, tribulations, distance.  With passion comes effort and with effort the relationship achieves greatness.

I guess it's why relationships between people with amazing chemistry between them don't always work out.

Chemistry doesn't break your heart.  Passion and the lack thereof does.

I Don't Know When I Lost My Mind.

I've been in strange moods lately.  It's this inexplicable blend of nonchalance and caring about every single thing; apathy and fury, stolidity and anguish. 

When I go to the mall and can blow nearly $300 in one go, plus all the online shopping I've been doing for the past two weeks, and not feel buyer's remorse, you know something is up.  I just wish I could explain it.  I am at such a loss for words right now.

I have such a difficult time getting up in the morning, and not for lack of rest, I guess it's almost as if I just can't find a really good reason to get out of bed anymore.  I do because I have responsibilities, to myself and to my brother.  I do because I enjoy my job and so those kids can be successful.  I do because I want to feel useful.  But, somehow, it's not enough. I need more.  I need that reason to get up in the morning; that one driving force that makes me happy to get out of bed, makes me feel like morning cannot come soon enough, not because I have a duty to fulfill.

I guess right now I'm just coasting through life ... I miss the rush.  I miss having a constant in life.  I mean, sure, work is constant and routine, but it's mundane.  I missing having a constant which remained so even if everything was monotonously ongoing or completely flipped on its head.  The constant of knowing there was something to look forward to at the end of everyday - right now, I have nothing to look forward to.  Wake up, work, come home, do paper work, sleep, rinse and repeat.

I'm tired of feeling like this ... it's all so ridiculously tedious.

I haven't even gone into detail about how certain things just set me off ... when I'm not feeling nonchalant and bland (which I am about 70% of the time), I feel extremely - it's never just mad or sad, it's furious or depressed.  It's mostly right before I go to bed, those moments when I'm just lying in the dark staring up at the atramentous ceiling, thinking.  Thinking about things that could have been, things in the past that I wish I could change, the future, everything: school, work, life, love, family.

At least if I were bi-polar I would have an actual reason for the way I've been feeling and acting lately.  Right now I'm lost.  Like I said before, I'm coasting, but I miss the rush.  I'm tired of the mundaneness that has become my life.

Whatever it is, I am definitely ready for a holiday.

All I want for Christmas is ...

Well ... I can't even answer that right now, because I don't even know.

Enter Sandman.

Can someone please tell me how to unplug my brain? Or better yet, turn off my feelings?

I've been lying in bed thinking and getting emotional for the past two and a half hours. It looks like I'm back at square one, maybe square two or three because I guess I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be. In any case, no rest for the weary, indeed!

I'm definitely going to need an IV of espresso hooked up to me tomorrow... err ... today.