Close Your Eyes, Hope That Nothing Gets Through.

There will come a point where I'll need to ask myself why I keep doing this. Loving people - friends, boyfriends, family members - who don't completely get me seems to be a permanent forte of mine.

These Dreams Go On When I Close My Eyes.

Pros:

Finding potential places to live fairly easily. Back working with people I love and in an environment that is a great fit. Sunshine. Heat. Open communication. Strong feelings. Meeting great people. Coffee. Cute children at work. Laughter. Teasing banter. Carefree. Expressing creativity. Certainty. Responsibility. Hope. Fun. Dance. Support. Temporary happiness. Success. Feeling appreciated and accomplished.

Cons:

Mom rushed to ER. Boyfriend sick therefore tired therefore cranky therefore anti-social. Friends out of town for work, school, vacation. Don't want to be a bother by texting. Misunderstandings. Closed communication. Strong feelings. Leaving. Tears. Guilt. Worry. Overthinking. Wondering. Questioning. What if. Coffee. Doubt. Bad habits. Criticism. Anger. Feeling underestimated. Busy. Schedules. Distance. Guessing. Uncertainty. Responsibility. Stress. Fear. Terror. Helplessness. 

It Ain't Right If You Ain't Lost Your Mind.

Upset.  Arguments.  Cheering up.  Term papers.  Caffeine.  Confusion.  Stress.  Caffeine.  Caffeine.  Pigging out.  Passing out.  Zumba.  Strange faces.  Leather.  Broken appliances.  Pissed off.  Disapproving glares.  Arguments.  Arguments.  Arguments.  Tension.  Annoyed.  Irritated.  Fucking crazy.  Light-hearted.  Smiles.  Laughter.  Late nights.  Exhaustion.  Slight inebriation.  Moderate inebriation.  Rambling.  Random.  Open.  Waxing poetic.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.

You Know How to Waste My Time.

Once upon a time I was the one who would walk away from an argument. I would be the one to shut down and stop talking. Now I'm on the other side and actually extremely frustrated.

The truth is, I don't think I can handle this volatility, I'm just not emotionally or mentally capable of it right now. I started using the tag "perils of being crazy" as a joke when I was first being treated for my depression - a way to make light of my situation, I think today might be the first time I'm using this tag in a non-humorous way.  Typically, I'm already in the middle of a break when using the aforementioned tag, today I'm actually on the brink. This situation I find myself in is just so ridiculous and overwhelming - and not in a good way. I'm just so confused and out of sorts in terms of my emotions. I don't know which way is up or down. One minute things are great, the next everything's gone to shit. It's all so very tiring.

While I strongly believe I'm nowhere near a mental breakdown, I'm definitely more in edge now than I've been for at least a month and a half.

I don't even know what to say anymore. I don't even know what to think.

Ugh.

You're Hanging by Fate.

Confused Adrienne is confused.

Snarky Adrienne is a good litmus test.

Procrasinating Adrienne is a productive and organized Adrienne.

Excited Adrienne can't stop looking at her dresses.

Ecstatic Adrienne is anxiously awaiting the weekend.

Nostalgic Adrienne (and procrastinating Adrienne, quite frankly) enjoys looking at old high school pictures.

Annoyed Adrienne drives for an hour looking for a car wash that is not closed due to the water conservation suggestion by the city, and cleans her car.

Irritated Adrienne is on the hunt.

Bored Adrienne results in redundancy and third-person relations.

I Fall By the Wayside.

History has a way of repeating itself quite often in my life.  Same routine, different person.  Maybe I'm calling it too soon, things also have a way of surprising you - right? Maybe this time will be different, after all it is a different person.  Maybe this time I'll be pleasantly surprised.  Maybe this time I won't get played.

Although, this time I'm wiser and a little more resilient.  Of course, I'm also more cautious, but I'll never know unless I try and that involves a little bit of courage and risk-taking.

(Vague entry is vague because I barely even understand it myself.)

Makes Me Wonder.

So unimpressed right now.

Actually.

I can't even explain how unimpressed I am.

Redundant post is redundant, but necessary.

(Evidently, irony is not lost either)

Ugh.

I'll Never Be The Same.

You're standing on a bridge overlooking the river.  As you stare into the oddly aquamarine depths, you wonder how far down the river bed lies.  Just a few meters up, you see a span of earth beneath the surface of the water and estimate that it would be waist-high at the most.

As you lose your heart and your world comes to a complete halt, you idly wonder how long it would take to reach that mound of river bed from the area just below where you're standing, considering the currents and your lack of swimming ability.

You have the urge to jump: not to die, just to feel.

There's an empty space where your heart once resided; no pain, but it's an unbearable sensation - nothing you've ever experienced before.  Jumping would give you freedom, if only for a few minutes.  It would allow you to feel something different, even temporarily:  the cool water in relief of the unseasonal heat, the rush of the free fall, the resistance of the water as you moved against it, adrenaline pumping through your veins, assuring you that despite a lack of beating in your chest, you are indeed still living.

As tempting as it is, you don't jump.  It would be pretty dumb considering the currents and your lack of swimming ability.  Besides, you don't have a change of clothes, and it would be pretty humiliating if you belly flopped having never dived from anything in your life.  No, as much of a rush and relief it would be to jump into the rippling river below, there are other ways to feel again, even if it takes a while to get there.

Every "Until Next Time" Feels Like One Bad Punch Line.

I'm exhausted, but every time I turn out the light, close my eyes, and try to fall asleep my mind becomes inondated by thoughts and memories and the accompanying feelings.  Each time I'm about to finally drift off, I'm overwhelmed, regardless of how I try to prevent my mind from turning to those figments.

It's no secret (anymore, at least) that I do suffer from a form of depression.  There are days where I'm sad for no apparent reason and am completely unable to pull myself from the pit despite all my intentions and attempts to do so.  The key component, however, is that whenever I am in one of those depressive phases, it's usually affecting my self-esteem and perspective of self.  Today is different.

This week is different.

This state I'm in doesn't have me berating myself or reevaluating my outlook on my prospective future.  Rather, I'm in some state of mourning.  It's been an entire year since my life changed completely.  365 days since my world was flipped sideways and counter-rotated.  While I do count a number of gains in the past year, I lost most of the things that truly mattered, the things I cherished above all else.

Unfortunately, today also marks a year of having my feelings dismissed, mostly unintentionally.  Grief makes people uncomfortable and unwilling to address it.  I understand that aspect: it's difficult to console someone, especially if you are unable to relate to what they are going through.  I guess the aspect that is a little harder to comprehend is telling someone "Just forget him. You deserve better anyway. You'll be fine."

It's dismissive and presumptuous.

I've discussed this a lot in previous entries, I'm the type who internalizes everything and I know I'm not the only one.  That isn't to say that we "internalizers" don't want people asking how we feel or what we think.  In my case, I often feel like I'm a nuisance if I merely call someone up just to talk about my emotions.  (I'm in therapy now for this, but that's an entirely different story).  A year ago, nobody really asked how I was doing, they just dismissed.  Assumed I would bounce back and stand up on my own within a few weeks.  Assumed that I could forget [intense] feelings I'd had for years. Assumed that by telling me I deserved better that I would simply believe it and move on.

I could have, should have, spoken up and corrected those assumptions, but I didn't so there is fault on myself too.  I also think I was so numb to everything around me that I didn't notice all that much that people weren't asking, just telling.

Alas, retrospect is 20/20 after all.

I digress.  Back to the main point, I can't sleep because my mind is racing and reminding me of everything that's happened in the last year and a half, and I need to be up for work in less than five hours.  It's funny, in a weird way, that I'm more depressed now than I was immediately after the break-up.  I think back then I just didn't feel anything, and in fact, I really didn't let myself feel anything.  I threw myself into work and literally worked myself to exhaustion.  This year, I have way more time on my hands - more time to myself.  Unfortunately for me, this means more time to think and settle into these sad feelings.  Since I've started therapy, I have gotten better at not thinking myself into bad moods, but there is still the aspect of merely waking up some mornings and feeling depressed for no apparent reason - those phases are the ones I can't pull myself out of by changing my trainof thought.

I'm sure I can pull myself out of this hole ... just not tonight.  I think my exhaustion is just hampering my will-power.  Not to mention, this date in general is one huge trigger.  In a few days, I hope to be fine; I mean, I'd been having one of my good phases for about a week, so hopefully I can pick myself up in the next few days.

As much as I wish circumstances were different, the reality is they're not, so I've no choice but to adapt and try to feel better.  To paraphase from a previous entry of mine (see: We Got Knocked Off Course By a Natural Force), I'm still in deep water, but I'm learning to tread it - and I'm also learning how to depend on my friends more to talk about my feelings and burdens.

(I apologize for any typos)

Recommended listening (blog entry title taken from): "Don't Want an Ending" - Sam Tsui

Musings of an Emotionally Deranged Mind.

"Yeah, I'm not free at all this week, I'm way too busy."

[posts photos of "study food" to instagram]

Ha fucking ha, you're a damn joker, aren't you? I expect the usual excuse of, "It was a spur of the moment thing. I actually was studying and taking a break.  You wouldn't have been free at that time anyway." (Don't even get me started on the previous, not to mention contradictory, excuses of "I study better at home.")

Doesn't matter, at least have some consideration.  I ask for a measly hour of time, just to make me feel better, which in my current state of mind is huge.  I really don't know how difficult "I need my friends now more than ever" is to understand, but damn, apparently it's the most difficult thing to comprehend.

All I'm asking is that if you can't make the commitment to meet me halfway, then at least have some consideration for my feelings and reactions.

Thanks.

(Argh.  So much pent up anger today.  This needs to stop!)

I'm Strong Enough to Mend.

You're too young to look so sad, dear. Chin up.

I was out today and an older woman I made eye contact with said the aforementioned quote.  All I could really do was give her a small smile and nod in acknowledgement as we continued on our separate ways.  I guess you know it's a really low phase when a complete stranger can tell how down and out you are.

I'm working on it.  It's just really difficult sometimes.

Apologies for the lack of updates.  I'm currently drafting an entry that I've been working on for a week and a half now, it's not quite what I want it to be yet.  Hopefully soon.

The Only Thing that Keeps Me Wishing.

It's a bit disheartening, but a tad liberating at the same time, when you finally realize someone is likely always going to let you down.

You can hope for the best and wish things to change, but wishing only gets you so far. Besides, too many things have transpired and the situation is so far out of your control for it to ever change. 

That moment you accept this fact breaks your heart that much more, but it's a step in the right direction.  You can't control the other person anymore than you can control the situation.  You can never know what is going through the other person's mind, or what their feeling, or their motivations for why they do what they do. That's life though, isn't it? You never know.

I've been aware that I've been let down over and over for almost a year now, but now I think I finally just get it. I've finally accepted it as the absolute certainty in my life.  I'm going to continue being let down so long as the dynamic of this entire thing remains the same, but I still hope to be proved wrong - for my absolute certainty to not be so absolute.

I may be holding out for a miracle, but I'm not going to hold my breath anymore.

[Edit 10:57 pm: Pleasantly surprised ... still not expecting a lot though]

Harder to Breathe.

Saw Maroon 5 in concert tonight. I just about died seeing Adam Levine in person and literally meters away.

Unfortunately I couldn't even enjoy that high, thanks a friggin lot.

Calm Me Down, Calm Me Down.

Setting the counter back to 0.

I was doing so well for myself, but "all good things must come to an end," and "what goes up, must come down", and what not after all! Unfortunately, what comes down crashes and burns in a horrible way.

5-5-1-1. 5-5-1-1. 5-5-1-1.

I Need Something, But I Get Nothing.

Listening to Grace Potter and The Nocturnals and gorging myself on ice cream tonight.  This, sad to say, is my life right now.

I've been experiencing a low phase in my current dichotomy of emotions for the past few days.  Suffice to say, I'd love to just sleep my life away right now.  Hardly anything can hold my attention or spark a lasting interest.  I mean, yesterday I received the three song books I ordered off of Amazon last week, sat myself at my piano, and within a half hour I'd completely lost interest in learning the songs I had been anticipating to do.  I can't even motivate myself to go to the gym, it's been two weeks and despite how awful I feel about myself, I just can't.

Indulged in a bit of retail therapy with my mom yesterday afternoon.  Managed to score a leather jacket (because you absolutely cannot resist buying a $300 jacket for only $60, you'd be insane not to take the deal), a pair of kick-ass high heeled boots I've been craving since November.  I did my nails and actually put a lot of effort into the nail art last night in an effort to make myself feel, well, something.  Unfortunately, I'm not sure I actually like the design I did so it was a bit of a failed attempt.  Aside from feeling slight satisfaction in my purchases and actually making my nails look a little fancier than usual, nothing.

It really sucks having, really, only two emotions ... okay, three consistently.  Numb, depression, rage.  Happiness is only ephemeral and happens, pretty much, just in the company of my child clients at work.  One of the many things I am thankful for with my current occupation - children are just inherently happy and it's contagious.  Unfortunately, the effects, for me, wear off the moment I'm back in my car.

I guess I'm praying for a miracle to happen and to make me feel a much wider range of emotions as of yesterday, but I know that's impossible.  I'm hoping this coming week will get me out of my funk, even if it is just temporary.  In all honesty, my entire life right now is just full of "temporaries," I'm really not counting on any "permanents" - now that would be wishful thinking.

Turn Around and Run Away.

Anxiety creeping in at exponential levels tonight.

Trying to find someone to spend the hour prior to my appointment tomorrow to distract me from the nervousness and ensure I actually go. Unfortunately my search has been fruitless.

I could go work out, but I feel like I may accidentally-on-purpose work out too long. I mean, the deposit I paid to book that appointment would be forfeit, but it wasn't that expensive...

Ugh.

I Got Nothing Left to Show You.

"Why are you sad?"

"I'm not sad, sweetie."

"Oh, but you have a sad face on!"

"Do I have a sad looking mouth?"

"No ... but your eyes look sad!"

"I'm just tired ... that's all."

"Oh ... that's okay then.  I thought you were sad. You should get more sleep!"

[Sigh] ... the perception and lack of filter in 4-and 5-year-olds never ceases to amaze me.  Of course, it's also nice that they can be so easily swayed to believe untruths.

Just Rip Out My Heart and Crush It.

I shall never be happy with anyone else as long as you walk the earth.

- Matthew Crawley (Downton Abbey 03x01)

While I do enjoy several tv series, Downton Abbey is the only one with the ability to make me laugh, cry, and gasp all in one episode (most shows can only get 2/3 reactions from me).  In any case, I was ecstatic to learn that North America was finally getting to view season 3 on television, and promptly glued myself to my seat for an uninterrupted 2 hours for the premiere this evening.

I have always seen Mary as the ultimate entitled bitch, but I cannot deny how hard I ship her with Matthew.  I also cannot deny my insane attraction for him, but that's another story entirely.  Anyway, I really can't even describe how the above quote made me feel.  It was perfection delivered in less than 5 seconds.

Damn those Brits for making such incredible television.

If you've never seen Downton Abbey, I must insist that you get on it immediately. :)

I Don't Know When I Lost My Mind.

I've been in strange moods lately.  It's this inexplicable blend of nonchalance and caring about every single thing; apathy and fury, stolidity and anguish. 

When I go to the mall and can blow nearly $300 in one go, plus all the online shopping I've been doing for the past two weeks, and not feel buyer's remorse, you know something is up.  I just wish I could explain it.  I am at such a loss for words right now.

I have such a difficult time getting up in the morning, and not for lack of rest, I guess it's almost as if I just can't find a really good reason to get out of bed anymore.  I do because I have responsibilities, to myself and to my brother.  I do because I enjoy my job and so those kids can be successful.  I do because I want to feel useful.  But, somehow, it's not enough. I need more.  I need that reason to get up in the morning; that one driving force that makes me happy to get out of bed, makes me feel like morning cannot come soon enough, not because I have a duty to fulfill.

I guess right now I'm just coasting through life ... I miss the rush.  I miss having a constant in life.  I mean, sure, work is constant and routine, but it's mundane.  I missing having a constant which remained so even if everything was monotonously ongoing or completely flipped on its head.  The constant of knowing there was something to look forward to at the end of everyday - right now, I have nothing to look forward to.  Wake up, work, come home, do paper work, sleep, rinse and repeat.

I'm tired of feeling like this ... it's all so ridiculously tedious.

I haven't even gone into detail about how certain things just set me off ... when I'm not feeling nonchalant and bland (which I am about 70% of the time), I feel extremely - it's never just mad or sad, it's furious or depressed.  It's mostly right before I go to bed, those moments when I'm just lying in the dark staring up at the atramentous ceiling, thinking.  Thinking about things that could have been, things in the past that I wish I could change, the future, everything: school, work, life, love, family.

At least if I were bi-polar I would have an actual reason for the way I've been feeling and acting lately.  Right now I'm lost.  Like I said before, I'm coasting, but I miss the rush.  I'm tired of the mundaneness that has become my life.

Whatever it is, I am definitely ready for a holiday.

All I want for Christmas is ...

Well ... I can't even answer that right now, because I don't even know.

Enter Sandman.

Can someone please tell me how to unplug my brain? Or better yet, turn off my feelings?

I've been lying in bed thinking and getting emotional for the past two and a half hours. It looks like I'm back at square one, maybe square two or three because I guess I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be. In any case, no rest for the weary, indeed!

I'm definitely going to need an IV of espresso hooked up to me tomorrow... err ... today.