Your Broken Heart Requires All of My Attention.

Year One.

It feels like it was just yesterday.

Square one.

1 step forward, 365 steps back.

Lonely one.

Resentful towards current, visible romances.

Broken one.

Sad really doesn't begin to cover it.

Only one.

"Afraid nothing can save me but the sound of your voice."

I Don't Deserve to Be This Sad.

After a day of being built up and complimented - and actually believing it and feeling good about yourself, all it takes is one disapproving glare from the right person to send it all crashing down.

I guess I should just accept the fact that I'll only ever be a disappointment to you.  Maybe then I wouldn't be so sad all the time.

You Look so Different, But You Feel the Same.

If any of you hadn't noticed, the majority of my blog titles come from song lyrics; usually the ones I have playing in the background while writing.  Maroon 5, Bruno Mars, Grace Potter and the Nocturnals, and Esthero have been on heavy rotation for me these past few weeks during my commutes.  This song in particular has been on repeat probably 100 times at least just in the last week.

What am I supposed to do to get by?

Did I lose everything I need to survive?

'Cause at 4am, when the sweat sets in

Did you get my message? Did it send?

Or did you just get on with your life?

Oh, I'm taking time to think and

I don't think it's fair for us to

Turn around and say goodbye

I have this feeling when I

Finally find the words to say

But I can't tell you if you turn around

And run away, run away

I Finally Found the Words to Say.

(But I can't tell you if you turn around and run away ...)

Trying a new way of feeling better: going through and finding short stories that I wrote a long time ago (this one was written about a year ago), revamping, and posting.  Flipping the experiences into semi-fiction and taking a look through somebody else's eyes.

Part One of Two? (Maybe three?) right after the jump.

Flawed Design V

I know I'm not the easiest person to be with, by any means.  I'm stubborn, emotional, sensitive, quick to anger, slow to calm, and I don't talk much.  Unfortunately that's become the norm for me.  I used to put the blame on being shy.  In actuality, I'm not all that shy, I'm just so afraid of being turned down or criticized or sounding stupid that the words that are racing a million miles a minute through my brain rarely make it to my lips.

I don't really think anyone realizes just how difficult it is for me to put myself out there.  It may seem a if I am willing to write more about myself and my feelings in my blogs, twitter, whatever, but the truth is, it is just as difficult to write it in public forum as it is to speak it aloud.  Do I find it easier to write? In lots of ways, yes, simply because I can think purposefully of what I am going to say.  I think a lot of people are the same way, for me, however, it's almost crippling.  The amount of time it takes for  me to compose one of these blog entries would surprise a lot of people.  It even takes me at least a few minutes to type out a reply to a simple work e-mail replying to somebody's inquiry of whether or not a certain date works, which for most people, would be an easy "Yes it works" or "No, it doesn't".

The truth is, even sending a quick text to my friends saying 'Hey' is difficult.  Asking them to hang out without any purpose (like a birthday) requires a ton of courage.  Sometimes I become so overwhelmed by the feeling of potentially getting rejected, I don't even bother.  I backspace, hit the home button, and put my phone away.

I guess this is kind of an explanation for how I was feeling yesterday.  My current state of mind has been weighing heavily and everything sets me off in a flurry of emotion, namely anger or sadness.  It's a dichotomy in which I'm tired of existing.  Honestly, I couldn't tell you the last time I was happy - really and truly happy.  It's a sad truth, but it's probably the one absolute in my life.

As much as all those quotes say "You can choose to be happy" or "Bad days are only as bad as you perceive them" and the like, it's not that simple for someone who is battling within themselves.  When someone's brain is just hard-wired to be sad, it's not as easy as "choosing" to have a good day.

I'm just so tired of being this sad.