One Year Later: I Still Remember.

Albert Camus once said: “You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.” Ruby never looked, she just lived. It’s a lesson that most of us must learn. Little Ruby, wise beyond her years. They say that the good die young; perhaps this is because they know something of which the rest of us have little comprehension. We consistently search for happiness, our purpose in life, what lies beyond, whereas people like Ruby just continued on; living.

I can't believe it’s been an entire year since her passing. I also still cannot believe just how much of an impact Ruby left on my life. I was never fortunate enough to meet her in person or speak to her as much as some others have, however I still think about her frequently. This time last year when I received the news that she had passed on, I wrote about how she taught me so many life lessons: Don’t sweat the small stuff. Be yourself. Be happy. Accept everyone. Lessons that can be learned anywhere, really, but Ruby showed me what is was to actually do these things. I feel in the past year I haven’t really honoured these lessons and lived as I said I would – lived like Ruby.

As aforementioned, I think about Ruby habitually. I don’t think there’s a day or week that goes by that she doesn’t cross my mind. I wonder where she is, what she’s doing, how she’s feeling watching over all of her loved ones, if she’s enjoying all the banana milkshakes she could possibly consume. I thank her for bringing so many of us from all over the world together – for being the glue that still keeps us in touch with one another. Sometimes tears come to my eyes as I recall just how courageous and strong she was; despite her condition, Ruby managed to keep a brave face on and keep fighting. I can only wish that I could have half as much strength as she did.

Despite all my memories and thoughts, I feel as if I have come up short in honouring Ruby’s memory. She taught me lessons but like a low-achieving student, I failed to absorb these lessons and learn from them. It hurts to realize that I haven’t done much to actually continue on Ruby’s legacy. This year, I renew my pledge: to keep Ruby’s light alive and emulate her in my life.

I haven’t proudly expressed this as much as I probably should have this past year but I shall enthusiastically begin again:

EAT SH*T LEUKEMIA‼‼

Remember Ruby, forever.

I love you.

Memories Revisited.

On Friday, October 9, 2009 at 16:42 (GMT) the world lost one of its brightest lights. Ruby was a beautiful and brilliant girl who could brighten up anyone’s day by merely typing a few words. She was an inspiration, a teacher, showcasing the importance of living each day to the fullest as well as the necessity of laughing and smiling at least once a day. She touched people all around the world, just by blogging from her bedroom or hospital room. All the while she was fighting against leukemia, she never gave up, she never questioned “Why me?” She was always strong, even when she was tired and upset.

“There’s a difference between giving up and letting go.”

At least now, we know she is at peace. There isn’t any more pain, no more needles, and all the banana milkshakes that she could possibly want. I regret never getting to know her as well as a few others did, but just by reading her blog entries and tweets on Twitter, she taught me so much about living. I finally completely realized that I can’t sweat the small stuff; I can’t let the little obstacles that stood in my way get me down. She taught me how to take life in stride, one day at a time. I’ll never forget her, Ruby, the girl who was able to inspire me in ways no one else has ever done.

“I don’t believe life has been unkind to me ... I can still drink banana milkshake can’t I?”

I’ll never forget her jokes or her infectious smile – even if I never saw her in smile in person, I could feel it resonating through my computer screen, half-way across the world. Some of my friends can’t quite comprehend why I’ve been so affected by the passing of a girl I barely knew; a girl who wrote blogs and tweets, a girl I never even met. I tell them, it doesn’t matter if you’ve never met someone; it’s how they make you feel. Ruby made me laugh, she caused me to smile, and she taught me to appreciate the little things. I fear I may have taken Ruby’s vibrancy for granted. I always thought, “I can e-mail her tomorrow. I can tell her this joke later.” Before I knew it, she was already gone.

There’s that saying: “You never know what you’ve got until it’s gone.” I’ve never quite understood that saying until now. I wish so much to have known Ruby in person; to witness the light she possessed, first hand; to have heard her speak one of her quirky little one-liners or jokes, rather than just read them online; to have listened to her beautiful gift of song.

“E-I-E-I-O is a horrible misspelling of the word FARM.”

My heart goes out to her Mum, twin brother, Rio, and all of her close friends. They were the ones who knew her best and were able to see and experience everything Ruby had to offer. They were the ones who helped her through her toughest times and enabled her to achieve so many things. I want to thank them for being her support. Thank her Mum for being everything a mother should be and more. Thank Rio for being her best friend. Thank Chloe for being there every step of the way. Thank everyone just for being the amazing people that Ruby adored.

She was an angel here on earth and she now continues to be one with her passing, watching over all of her loved ones with her beloved Dog. Rest in Peace dearest Ruby, you will be missed.

“I love people ... I just wish they would do the same.”

I love you Ruby, as many, many others did as well. You brought us together, you opened our hearts a bit more, and because of that, we are able to share our grief, share our thoughts, and share our love for you. Thank you, Ruby.

If you were just wandering and stumbled across my blog and have not yet heard about Ruby, I hope that even in death, she may still inspire you. Death ends life but not a relationship, forever in our hearts Ruby’s memory lives on.

EAT SH*T LEUKEMIA!!!!

(Originally posted at sinfulx on October 11, 2009)

No Need to Rush.

Sorry, sorry, sorry for not updating for another month again! I've been terrible at keeping up with this blog lately. (I blame the fact that school started and I'm already insanely busy with all my schoolwork.) I hope all my lovelies that actually read this are doing well and that we can all catch up sometime soon.

Anyway, just wanted to share a new music find of mine. It's a cover of one of my song obsessions of the moment, Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream" however the lyrics have been changed to suit the male singer and it's SO much more romantic. I'm so in love with this version of the song ...

"Let's just talk all through the night. There's no need to rush. I will get your heart racing if that's what you need in this teenage dream tonight. Let you rest your head on me if that's what you need in this teenage dream tonight."

I hope you enjoy!



(I promise I'll have a proper update as soon as I can!)

Girl, You're Amazing.

This song has been playing on repeat for the past few days. It's just one of those 'feel good' songs about how there's always at least one person who thinks you're beautiful. So I wanted to share it with all my amazing and beautiful girls who read this blog:

Oh her eyes, her eyes make the stars look like they're not shining;
Her hair, her hair falls perfectly without her trying;
She's so beautiful and I tell her everyday.

Yeah I know, I know when I compliment her she won't believe me
And it's so, it's so sad to think she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me "Do I look okay?" I say:

When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change
Because you're amazing just the way you are.
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl, you're amazing just the way you are.

If perfect is what you're searching for, then just stay the same.
<3

Photographs and Memories.

Related to my last post ... (more music recommendations for my dear Maju!) I absolutely adore Jason Reeves. I've loved his music from the time I first heard him singing "Droplets" with Colbie Caillat a few years ago.

This is a good song for when you're missing someone or something and just want to look back at your life before you knew this person. You realize they've changed you in a way that is so profound that you can't imagine yourself not being this way. This song captures the idea that I sort of talked about in my last post: there are reasons for everything that happens in your life. Also, the future holds better memories for you, provided that you keep looking forward and maintain everything that is good in your life.

I hope you enjoy!

I keep your picture by my bed for when I'm feeling sad
And I don't know why I would be:
The way your smile looks so real,
I feel like I could start to understand your grace.


'Cause I have photographs and memories of the times
When you weren't on my mind and I was alone.
And I have poetry and drawings of my life
When you weren't on my side and I didn't know just what is love.

These Photographic Memories.

Throughout high school I was one of those people that always had their camera on hand to capture those fleeting moments and candid shots. I must have taken at least 1000 photos during those three years. It was about preserving memories, making keepsakes of those precious teen years, creating something by which to remember everything.

The other day I was looking through them and realized so many things. Those were the years of naïveté and blissful ignorance. You did things just because. You made rash decisions. You paid no mind to potential consequence. You had no idea just how much a simple action or word could change everything or affect the future. Now, via these photographs, you look through the moments leading up to a huge event that changed everything and feel completely powerless. Then it hits: you’re powerless to change it now but you had every opportunity and all possible power to change the past before it even happened. The past didn’t have to happen the way it did.

Of course, it’s all fine and easy to regret what you did, or rather, didn’t do back then but everything happens for a reason. There’s a perfect explanation as to why things happened the way they did. This explanation may not be clear-cut or as obvious as you’d want it to be but it’s there: whatever is meant to be will be. Destiny, fate, God’s will … whatever reason you choose to believe in, one thing resounds: nothing is arbitrary.

By extension, life’s winding road will always lead you to where you’re meant to be. No matter what paths you took in the past, no matter which one you’re currently on or will be on: if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be. I realize I sound like a broken record but I firmly believe that. I could have done so many things differently if only I had the same retrospective perception as I do now. [Un]fortunately I didn’t. I was naive, ignorant, and young and jaded. I had no idea of how the world truly functioned; I still have no clue. I didn’t realize just what consequences would come of my words and actions.

I can say that I will be more careful from now on but that’s impossible. It’s human nature to not look that far into the future; to remain in the present and very near future. It’s too easy to look past the fine details – those subtleties – and even the blatant cues. It’s a cycle that doesn’t quite end: I keep taking the photos and years later I look back and realize things I should have noticed at the time. I guess it’s the reason that we never stop growing up, no matter how old we are.

So look back but don’t regret. Sure, you made mistakes and did things you’re not proud of. You might wish you could have done certain things differently but don’t. Life is too precious to keep looking back and living in the past. Look back and learn from those mistakes. Look back, remember all the good times and continue to make more. Look back in fondness but never in regret. Look back and be thankful for the lessons you learned, the people you met, the experiences you had. Look back but keep moving forward.

Oh, these photographic memories …

Gone Too Soon.

I just found out that a guy I went to high school with passed away last night after a motorcycle accident. I didn't know him all that well and only talked to him a handful of times but every time I spoke with him, he always had a smile on and was able to make people laugh. He was one of the good guys, able to balance out the fact that his best friend was a jerk. It was clear that he truly cared for everyone that was close to him and was devoted to his loved ones. He just had this spark in his eyes that showed everyone that he had this zest for life.

His death was the result of an accident that shouldn't have happened - and he had just turned 20 not even a week ago. Nevertheless, his light was extinguished far too soon and he was taken from this life much too young.

Thanks for the laughs and just being you. I may not have known you very well but you were such an awesome guy.

Rest In Peace Tony. You will never be forgotten.

You're the Splinter in Me.

It never matters how hard you try, how responsible you are, or how you've already succeeded - there's always something wrong. It's always a fight and a lot of the times it comes out of nowhere. Without warning there's angry yelling and the backing argument is something that never actually happened.

You always taught me to not take abuse from anyone, physical or verbal. So how is it a "bad attitude" when I stick up for myself when you're giving me that same abuse you told me not to take? Besides, it's not a bad attitude when you give me a bullshit reason that doesn't even stand up to logic and I tell you that. I got my "take no shit" attitude from you so don't tell me off for using it.

The next two years cannot be done sooner. I'm leaving you and there's nothing you can do about it. I appreciate everything you've done but I cannot take your contradictory ways, false histories, excessive moodiness, and verbal assault anymore.

Peace.

Ooh, 'tis so sweet knowing I can trust you'll never leave me
Ooh, my, my ... how many days gone by I could have had this Peace

- "Peace" (Greg Sczebel)

Flawed Design.

Everyone has their demons and apparently I'm still facing mine nearly six years later. Though they are few and far between they're still here and leech everything out of me when they make an appearance. The worst part of it all is that I never see them coming - there's no warning sign - they sneak up behind me and drag me down. Most times they're gone as quickly as they've come but sometimes they stick around for a while. The most painful part, though, is that there isn't any reason for their appearance. They come, drag me down, they leave.

They leave cracks and breaks in my resolve and once they've gone, I fill these fissures in to the best of my ability but they're still there. Every single flaw, every single imperfection, every single feeling of betrayal, hurt, and sadness - they're all still very much there. Perhaps I've just gotten better at hiding them, ignoring them, playing them off. I know that there are many stars and suns in my skies and yet I can't see them through the shadows and clouds ... I'm broken.

If I could explain what was wrong, I would. If I knew how to fix it, everything would be so much easier. But I don't. How can I explain something that I don't even understand? I fear that one day I'll be taken down so far that everyone will leave me, merely because I cannot express any rhyme or reason for the presence of these demons.

I just want to be okay. Maybe tomorrow ... but for now just let me be in this flawed design because it is all that I am and all that I know.

Quotable VI.

“A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one.”

- Mae West

It's the experiences and bad memories of the past that help shape the present and future. It took being stupid and jaded to get to this point now. It took a whole bunch of rough experiences and hits to the ego. It took a couple of heart cracks (never breaks) and countless tear-filled evenings. It took anger and frustration. But in all, despite the pain and anger and sadness, I learned a lot from those experiences. Back then I became a girl that I hated, someone I never thought that I would be ... and now? I'm comfortable now, happy with who I am but at the same time, I want to be better yet. And I will be because this time it's different. This time I'm not being used. This time I'm not being forced into plans for waaaaaaaay off into the future. This time I'm being treated as equal. This time I am not being told that I am stupid or ridiculous whenever I say something. This time I'm not striving to be something I'm not. This time I am actually happy. This time everything is mutual. Thank you.

Sorry everyone, my blog entries have been kinda boring lately. Hopefully I'll have a proper one to post soon. =)

Quotable V.

Moon pours through the ceiling tonight,
embraces us tight, shows me we're right for each other.
And as we lie here and let the world fade away,
the sunrise tries to end it while we try to stay.

The rest of my life can't compare to this night
and only the heartaches have given me sight,
they bring me to you,
they bring me to you,
they bring me to you,
they bring me to you.

Miss Independent.

I was brought up by my parents to be independent: if you want something, only you can work for it; if you want something done right, do it yourself; if you have a problem, you have to work it out for yourself; you don't need someone [aka a boyfriend] to validate you or take care of you when you can do it fine on your own; don't rely too heavily on other people, there's always a chance that they'll fail you. From my own experiences, I realized that some people are only there to sabotage you, or someone will never do their fair share of the work, or some people will only hurt you in the end no matter how much you try to accept them or be their friend, or some people just leave you behind.

Because of my parents and experiences, I am the way I am: independent to a t. I don't rely on people a whole lot. I don't need a large support system. I've never felt the need to be in a committed relationship. I do my best work on my own.

There are definite benefits to being so independent: I'm determined and hard working. I can support myself - morally and financially. When I want something, I work extra hard to achieve it. When there's a problem, I can solve it on my own. My greatest successes have been when I've done all the work, start to finish, on my own. When I fail, it's because of my own lack of something or that I've done something wrong and so I know how to fix it. I know that if in 30 years, I'm still not in a committed relationship, I'll be just fine (maybe lonely, but just fine). I don't usually mind being by myself, even when all of my friends are out having a good time. I can manage not speaking to my best friend for a few weeks when she's away at school.

Of course, there are certain downfalls as well: sometimes people get intimidated by my independence. I come across as a domineering bitch/control freak at times. I do get that feeling of loneliness, even if I'm sitting in a room filled with people. I can be quite selfish. I've almost lost friends because of my solitary ways. I lose contact with people easily because "I don't need them." I bottle everything inside and rarely let people know what I'm truly thinking or feeling - especially if I am hurt, upset, or depressed. Because I don't open up so much for fear of people using my personality against me, I doubt my "likability" factor at times: "Why are these people my friends? Why do they like me?" I constantly fear being stabbed in the back or taken advantage of.

I think part of the reason I've maintained my independence for so long is because I felt the need to prove myself. To prove that I could do it on my own. To prove that I didn't need anybody. To prove that I am not someone people can walk all over. To prove that I could do things for myself.

However, I do need people. Not a lot of people, just enough. Enough to help me through the rough patches of life, to offer advice when I need it, to push me in the right direction if I start veering off track. I think for the longest time I've been afraid to let people in, to let them get to know me. I'm fickle and contradictory: my independence makes me strong but it also makes me fear. I can't do everything on my own, no matter how much I want to or how much I try.

I am independent but I know that I need people - that it's okay to be dependent. Not everyone is out to hurt me or screw me over in any way. There are certain people that will understand that I will depend on them but at the same time, I need my space to maintain a comfortable level of independence for me. There has to be a balance. Being with someone doesn't mean I have to completely give up my independent ways. Depending on people is a good thing sometimes.

So thank you to those that do understand. Thank you to the people that actually stuck around even when I seemed to snub you. Thank you for putting up with my crazy domineering ways. Thanks for letting me have my space. Thanks for having my back and being supportive. Thanks for keeping me on track and sane (as I can be, anyway). Thank you for letting me know that I can rely on and trust you. Thanks for showing me that good people exist (*lol*). Thank you for letting me be me. Thank you for not trying to change me.

Quotable IV.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

- Marilyn Monroe

I'm Only Gonna Break Your Heart.

It never fails, I somehow attract some sort of attention when I go to this mall.

The first time it happened, it was super awkward and they made it pretty obvious what they were doing: checking me out. Just because I speak English well does not mean I don't understand/speak Tagalog. I appreciate you calling me pretty but I do not appreciate being ogled at while waiting in line. Another time AND today, no words were spoken but the looks said it all. Sly smirks, charming smiles, and coy little winks aren't going to get you anywhere with me. Also, I'm sorry but just because we're both Filipino does not mean I will want to get with you so keep going about your work and stop staring at me through that window - I can see you.

There's a reason one of my favourite high school teachers labelled me as a "heartbreaker" and thinks that I'll have a list 3 feet long of the names of hearts I've broken by the time I decide to settle. *lol* I also take pride in being the "I don't need a man"/"I'm happy being single" independent type. However, I currently have myself set on a certain boy and I'm not the type to play around.

Sorry boys but I'll only break your heart.

;)

Maybe This.

Maybe this is just me over-thinking.

Maybe this is me and my need to complicate everything.

Maybe this is my stupid "wish" coming true.

Maybe this is me taking too much responsibility.

Maybe this is me breaking down.

One word.

One stupid word.

One stupid word to bring a tear to my eye.

I'd Rather Be With You.

Thanks to Jemma for indirectly recommending Joshua Radin to me.

I am absolutely obsessed with this song at the moment:

I could have saved so much time for us
Had I seen the way to get to where I am today
You waited on me for so long
So now, listen to me say:

I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with someone like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too
Say you feel the way I do

Rain on Me.

I have always loved rain. The sound of the droplets hitting the roof and windows, the fresh scent during and after the fall, the soothing effect it has on my nerves. Most of all, I adore thunder storms. I used to say that I loved thunder storms because they were a bit like me:

Reckless. Unpredictable. Intense.

In some ways thunder storms are still like me ... I'm not quite as reckless as I used to be but I'm still quite unpredictable at times - I can surprise you like a loud crash of thunder ;) As for intensity ... I think it amounts to passion. Whatever emotion I'm feeling, it takes over everything. I have such a volatile temper when I'm angry. When I'm happy, I'm ecstatic. When I'm sad, I do actually have a small depression. I have also rarely been known to do things with only half a heart; if I really want to achieve something or attain something, I go for it with everything I have. There are definitely instances where I hold myself back and it kills me a bit inside, keeping all the emotion to myself but then I sit down and write and keep writing until my hand cramps and I have no more words.

Rain also brings back some of my fondest memories: the massive puddle war with my besties in the ninth grade, writing one of my favourite poems, walking to the train station from school with a certain someone that switched sides with me on the sidewalk so I wouldn't have to step in the puddles as I was wearing flats, discovering the true meaning behind "drunken words are sober thoughts."

I don't know how people can not like rain ... I love it.

<3

To Buy or Not to Buy?

In a previous entry, waaaaaaaaaaaay back, I talked about how my two greatest weaknesses are purses and shoes. Last week I bought two new purses (and two new pairs of shoes ...) and figured my purse-hunger would be satiated, at least until next month.

But thanks to Meg over at Closet Fashionista and her recent post I have discovered the awesomeness that is BagsOK and their "1 free bag per person" promotion. So as I am a sucker for cute bags AND sales, I have spent the past two days debating getting one of these bags.

I'm kind of in love with these two:

http://www.bagsok.com/product/simple_series_tote.html
http://www.bagsok.com/product/simple_crocodile_grain_shoulder_bag_1012304616.html

I'm a little more inclined to get the Crocodile one ... it IS only $12.90 for shipping.

Thoughts??

I'm giving myself 12 more hours to decide ;)

Redundancy.

This should go without saying:

I love my life!

"Got my dreams, got my life, got my love. Got my friends, got the sunshine above. Why am I making this hard on myself when there's so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy?"




=)

Just a Beautiful Day.

Yesterday was absolutely perfect. Despite still being swollen and bruised from my operation, I decided to go up to Banff with my favourite people. The original plan was to go horse-back riding as my bestie (and I) have never gone, unfortunately a ride would cause unnecessary stress for the still-open wound but I couldn't just stay in the house all day, could I?!

From the bestie being absolutely terrified of even being around the horses at first, to being lazy for an hour while waiting for them to finish their ride, to their experience of being chased by a territorial and protective mother elk, to just wandering the streets of Banff (and getting excited in the candy stores *lol*), the day could not possibly have been any better.

Definitely one of the best choices I've made in a while: incredible friends, the weather was gorgeous, we had tons of laughs - what more could a girl possibly ask for?

I adore these people:

They're simply the best.
;)

After-math III.

My face is blue from bruising and has swollen even more than yesterday. I just want the swelling to go down and the throbbing pain of my gums to go away! It'd be nice to eat actual food instead of this blended soup business. My stomach is getting inevitably angrier by the day while I continue to deny myself all the yummy food stashed away in my house.

Wisdom teeth are much more of a nuisance than I originally thought they would be. I absolutely cannot wait until the swelling is gone then I don't ever have to worry about these stupid things ever again. It's probably not helping that I keep watching all these cooking shows on TV as well ... I'm so busy planning everything that I want to eat once this entire ordeal is over.

Well, there's one way to torture me, I guess: withhold food from me for however many days ... weeks!?

[sigh]

For now, I'll just have to content myself with corn soup, fresh juice, jello, and water.

(subtleties.)

After-math II: Pictures.

I look absolutely miserable because I can't open my jaw at all, I can't smile, I can't frown very much either ... I miss my face!





Don't we look alike?!

After-math Part II

It is the day after my operation and my face has swollen to twice the size it was yesterday. I actually look like my "fat cheeks" emoticon on MSN ... it's kind of depressing. My face feels so bottom-heavy! Ughhhh.

D:

After-math.

So, I got my wisdom teeth out this morning ... It's not as bad as I thought it would be. Although I did spend a really long time in the recovery room, apparently I bled quite a bit and I was really dizzy and nauseous every time I woke up. I also had to wear an eye patch on my left eye because everything was fuzzy. Fantastic, right? The doctors and nurses were discussing how pale I looked and I think the surgeon even dropped by to tell me I would have some discoloration/bruising but I was so determined and antsy to go home so I forced myself to feel better *lol* I think part of my motivation was because I was jealous of the guy that came into the recovery room and only had to stay for 30 minutes while I was there for 2 hours.

All I remember is lying down, being covered in a nice warm blanket, and discussing Stolen Babies (one of my favourite bands) with the nurse(?) because she was curious about my t-shirt. Then the anesthesiologist came in and asked me "How was breakfast?" to which he told me I had really expressive eyes and should go into theatre. I told him I couldn't act very well and my surgeon said that that would be a bit of a problem. Then I passed out and woke up 1.5 hours later in the recovery room ... it was great. =)

I got home and had to change the gauze, so I was in the kitchen with my mom (without a mirror) and tried to reach into my mouth to take out the old stuff and ended up grabbing my lower lip which happened to be REALLY swollen and numb. So I grabbed it and said "What the hell is this?!" it was the strangest thing ... then I tried to take my medicine and drink some juice but I discovered that my mouth wouldn't close because it was still frozen and not because of the gauze in my mouth. =\

After sleeping on the couch, my mouth can close fully, my lower lip is still a bit swollen, the bleeding has stopped, but my cheeks are a bit swollen as well. Though, I do look almost normal: my face isn't as swollen as I thought it would be =)

Please excuse the fact that I only have a swipe of eyeliner on (I needed to make myself at least a bit presentable before taking a pic of my swollen-ness ;) )





Like my shirt? ;)

Edit (9:38 pm): I'm WAY more swollen now ... >< Maybe another pic tomorrow.

Starvation = Crankiness

I'm going in to get my wisdom teeth taken out in a few hours. I'm pretty nervous and keep psyching myself out by thinking of all the complications that could happen. I also just want to get this over with, however I don't want to go through the pain that's inevitably going to come later on!

Aside from that - I am absolutely starving! I haven't eaten since 8 pm last night and I'm not allowed to eat or drink anything anymore because of the stupid anesthesia. THEN I won't be able to eat anyway because of the 4 gaping holes that will be in my mouth (and inevitable pain). It's a sad, sad day when I cannot eat. Although, I did do the 30 Hour Famine two years in a row so maybe I'll be okay? In any case, I'm hungry and because of that, I'm cranky. It's also depressing to think about all the weight that I will probably lose in the next few days because of this inability to eat. Not cool.

Ughhh ... why can't these teeth just magically disappear? That would make everything so much easier and I wouldn't have to starve.

(The fact that I'm not allowed to wear make-up today also kills me a bit ... here's hoping I don't run into anyone I know this morning, I look absolutely terrible!)

Gotten.

"You just get me like I've never been gotten before."

Slash (Guns 'n Roses) recently came out with a CD featuring a bunch of really amazing artists. I am absolutely in love with a bunch of the songs but this one is definitely my favourite. I've always adored Adam Levine's distinct tone so this was a real treat - the lyrics, Slash's guitar skills, and Adam's voice = brilliance.

The lyrics, in my opinion, tell the story of two former lovers meeting again, by chance, after a long separation. It's clear that the object of the song (the woman) has been in a relationship which was, quite possibly, toxic and she may have been abused or, at least, mistreated. He wants to save her from either herself or the other man - I think it's more that she's become her own worst enemy and because of her toxic relationship, her self-esteem and sense of self-worth have lowered considerably: "I can't save you if you don't let me." He also wants to fight for her, to get her back, to get her to find her fighting spirit again: "So nice to see your face again but tell me will this ever end; don't disappear." It's as if this situation has happened before and so he's asking her to end the vicious cycle between them.

I feel that this song is actually quite simple to understand and fairly easy to relate to: everyone has had someone in their life that they've wanted to save in some way.

I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do!

Tongue Tied.

"Nothing's worse than knowing you're holding back."

I have never been particularly good at expressing myself verbally. It's part of the reason it's so hard for me to open up to people: I'm the type to be more confident behind written words rather than spoken. I once took a course on rhetorical communication and while my written essays and assignments were strong, my oral presentations were considerably weaker. My mind simply functions better when I have a pen in my hand or a keyboard at my fingertips.

I guess it's just a matter of processing everything and finding the right words to say. I stumble over my words, mix up word orders, use the wrong words, lose my train of thought easily. It's frustrating that I can respond quickly, clearly, effectively when I'm reading and writing and yet get me talking in person or on the phone and I seem lose all ability to respond at all.

Or perhaps I'm afraid: afraid of speaking my true mind, afraid of offending someone, afraid of over-stepping a certain boundary, afraid of making a fool of myself, afraid of what the other person will say in response. It's easy to hit backspace or cross out what you've written before you make it final but in verbal communication, it's difficult, impossible really, to take anything back.

As I said, it's a hindrance.

A lot of the time I know I'm holding back and it's because of this silly characteristic of mine that I just can't verbalize my thoughts orally. I have so many things to say and yet I can never find the right words to say them. Writing letters can only go so far and I can't rely on written communication every time I have something important to say. I have had so many opportunities to say what I really want/need to say and yet I haven't as I never know how to phrase my ideas. It's not as if I can write down everything I want to say and practice in the mirror - I think that's silly: what I need to say requires a bit of spontaneity ... I just need to find the words and stop holding back.

Quotable III.

No explanations, just listen:



Don't go changing to try and please me, you never let me down before. Don't imagine you're too familiar and I don't see you anymore; I would not leave you in times of trouble, we never could have come this far. I took the good times, I'll take the bad times, I'll take you just the way you are.

Don't go trying some new fashion. Don't change the color of your hair. You always have my unspoken passion, although I might not seem to care.

I don't want clever conversation, I never want to work that hard; I just want someone that I can talk to. I want you just the way you are.

I need to know that you will always be the same old someone that I knew. What will it take till you believe in me the way that I believe in you?

Oh Zachary Levi ...

Who knew you could sing so well?!

And the fact that you're singing one of my favourite songs makes me adore you even more! (Singing my favourite verse from the song too! I'm a very happy girl right now =D)

The video is absolutely gorgeous and captures the meaning behind the lyrics so well. The truth is, I've never known and I still don't know what it's really like to be "in love" but I figure it's something slightly terrifying if you've never experienced it. You have to put all your trust into another person, wholly and unconditionally - believing and trusting them not to hurt you or break you. Love seems like such a frightening thing. I've always believed that it takes time to love someone, in other words: I don't believe in love at first sight. Though, who am I to put a time stamp on something so beautiful and intangible. I do not doubt that it'll be entirely worth it when it happens or when I realize what being in love truly means.

Seeing the romances of my friends Sarah and Tammi flourish gives me so much hope in eventually finding a love of my own. I must admit that "Terrified" is a bit of a contradiction of my "Fearless" entry a few days ago: I want a fearless love and yet I'm apparently afraid of what being in love is really about. I guess I'm just a walking contradiction.

(Third time I'm posting this song on this blog ... I'll admit, I'm obsessed. At least this time, it's not Kara DioGuardi and Jason Reeves ;) However, can you blame me? It's a beautiful song!)

Quotable IIa.

I only said it 'cause I mean it,
I only mean it 'cause it's true.
So don't you doubt what I've been dreaming ...

(I know ... this is the second time I've posted this song, that's just how much I love it)

Walk With Me.

... as I stroll down memory lane.

I was looking through the scrapbook I made after my high school graduation and realized just how much I miss that time in my life. I miss the excitement of finally graduating from mandatory schooling, the anticipation of getting to walk the stage and receive my diploma, the anxiety of not wanting to trip while walking the stage, the excitement of seeing everyone in their ballgowns and dresses and tuxes for the banquet. (Let's face it, what girl doesn't miss getting her hair done and a manicure/pedicure, and being completely pampered?)

Most of all, I miss the company. Graduation brought everyone together and despite the stupid fights, disagreements, and differences, everyone was friends that night. I miss sitting in close proximity to my peers as we sat through the mass at the church and the convocation rights and dancing in a huge group during the banquet.

I miss how uniform we all looked in the graduation gowns and stoles. I miss how gorgeous all the girls looked in their gowns and dresses. I miss how dashing the guys looked in their tuxedos and suits (they all cleaned up really well! ;) ). I miss the flash of all the cameras and the rushing around to get a picture with someone else/another group.

I've realized that I'm not on good terms with a lot of people that I shared those three days with, two years ago. We've either had fights or have just drifted apart. In any case, despite the fact I may not be friends with these people anymore, I cannot deny that they played definite roles in shaping who I am today. I cannot ignore the fact that they were in my life and even if I hate or dislike them now, at one point, I did like them and enjoy their company. I don't want this people in my life again but it's important to acknowledge the fact that they were in my life and part of my history. We're not friends anymore for a reason but once upon a time, we were and I liked that.

That's life.

Quotable II.

This could be good, it's already better than that.
And nothing's worse than knowing you're holding back.
I could be all that you needed if you let me try.

Terrified - Kara Dioguardi and Jason Reeves

Fearless.

Right now I am at a place in my life where I am comfortable. Everything feels natural. Everything is just falling into place. I have so much control yet I have none at the same time. I don't mind. I am perfectly content to just let everything happen the way it's meant to happen.

This is something entirely different.

I feel entirely natural with my emotions, which rarely happens. I completely understand how I feel and why I feel. I am happy in my own skin. I am happy with the way life is going at the moment. I am pursuing my happiness.

I am not alone.

It's about trust, openness, acceptance, a bit of mystery, parts of the past, and the ability to move forward. It's about taking chances, asking questions, and understanding. It's about the jokes, the laughter, the knowing stares ... a routine. It's about growth.

I am in a good place. Of course, it didn't come without certain obstacles. I had to deal with my tumultuous and over-analytical thoughts. I had to learn to face my fears: fears of ruining a good thing, fears of truly letting myself live, fears of success. I still have some fears but they're only minor. For this moment, I feel fearless.



But I am what I am, and I am what I am afraid of. Oh what am I afraid of? I need a fearless love, don't need to fear the end. If you can't hold me now, you will never hold me again. I want to life my life pursuing my happiness. I want a fearless love, I won't settle for anything less.

<3

Excitement!

Hooray!!! My best friend comes home tomorrow!!!

I can't wait to see her!

=D

Prince Charming: Not for Me.

I wrote this ages ago but figured I'd post it ... some things have changed, others haven't:

I always used to believe Prince Charming would be the one to sweep me off of my feet. He'd be kind, loving, generous, considerate, and, of course, handsome. However, with a thorough contemplation on this topic, I have come to realize something: the typical Disney-based notion of Prince Charming is not real, nor is it realistic. (I know, I should've realized this before, right?)

Prince Charming is nothing but a figment of the imagination; no one is flawless or perfect. No one is kind, generous, loving, and considerate without a fault or vice of some sort. Unfortunately, people everywhere hang on to that ridiculous notion and dream of Prince Charming finally coming to sweep them off their feet and ride off into the sunset on his majestic white steed. Now, there are those who claim to have found their very own Prince Charming: flaws and all.

I say: Good for them but it's not for me. I don't want to be swept off my feet for my head to be in the clouds, I want to be pushed down by the sheer intensity of our feelings combined. I don't want the happy, open, gift-giving, and proud man. I want the almost silent (perhaps surly) proud man. I want the challenge of opening him up to me, I want to have to earn his trust, to know his secrets, thoughts, and emotions. I don't want him to remember silly events, and "month" anniversaries and give elaborate gifts for these events. That way, when he does remember or does give me something it'll be all the more special.

I don't want to see him smile or hear him laugh all the time so that when he does, I can treasure it all the more. I want him to be guarded and proud, not spewing random facts about himself, at least at first. I want the chance to break down those barriers and understand him the way no one else has before. I want to have to fight for his love, even if the only opponent is himself.

No, my type of guy isn't the "bad boy" type but he's certainly not Prince Charming either. Beneath the surface, Prince Charming may very well be a genuine jerk, an abuser - either physically or emotionally. Beneath my type of guy is someone who has experienced some of the harsh conditions of the world and consequently wants to love and be loved, wholly and unconditionally. Maybe I'll never actually find my "ideal" guy and fall for someone who is totally different, but one thing I do know: he won't be Prince Charming and I won't be swept off my feet. If he is Prince Charming and I am swept away, then something will be terribly wrong and he will not be the one I love.

He will not have a name to be classified by but he will knock me down and be there to cushion my fall.

Taking Chances.

There's a fine line between this and that.
Will you dare to cross it with me?

Quotable.

I'll tell him some day, some way, some how
But I'm gonna keep it a secret for now.

Now Playing.

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

I'm officially finished this semester after spending 8 sleepless nights writing 6 papers/essays which ended up being 58 pages and approximately 12,000 words in total. Hooray!

Anyway, I've been wanting to post this song for a while. I really love it. The first time I heard it was on "So You Think You Can Dance" Season 5 when Travis Wall (I adore him) choreographed a contemporary piece for Jeanine and Jason:



So gorgeous and intense - Jason accidentally ripped Jeanine's dress ;)

But my true love is definitely the song, there's so much meaning behind it and I absolutely adore it.

"Well all I really wanna do is love you - a kind much closer than friends use, but I still can't say it after all we've been through."

Jason Mraz is a genius:



I hope you enjoy!

Ch-ch-changes Part II

Here's a pic of my latest hair cut:



What do you think?

;)

As promised, pics of all my other crazy hair cuts will come as soon as I'm not too busy to compile them.

Ch-ch-changes

I got my hair cut today. I chopped off 3 inches, wanted more, so I got another 2 inces taken off.

What's the point of telling you how I got my hair cut? I've realized that I cut my hair when my life changes somehow. This trend goes all the way back to when I was 12 years old actually. I had just celebrated my "graduation" from the 6th grade and was going into my first year of junior high. My hair was about elbow-length and I got it cut into a bob just below my ears.

During junior high I grew my hair out again ... part of it was because I got bullied by this one girl who said I looked like a boy. Half-way through 9th grade I cut it extremely short again - it was edgy and a bit punk-rock, just like me. At that point in my life I was going through a lot; my best friend had left me for the girl that bullied me in 8th grade, that stupid girl was ruining my life just by being in it, and I was starting my descent into my bouts of depression.

I kept my hair short for over a year, cutting it every 2 months until the end of my first year of high school (grade 10). It was at that time that I was starting to really be happy again.

I didn't cut my hair again until after my high school graduation, two years later. The day after the graduaton banquet/dance I chopped off 10 inches of my hair and donated it to the cancer society to make wigs. This time, when I cut my hair, I wasn't upset, I was happy. I'd just completed my high school experience, I had a boyfriend, I knew who my true friends were, and I was about to embark on my university experience.

About 6 months later, I'd finished my first semester of university, instead of cutting my hair, I dyed it. I changed the colour to signify that I was changing - I'd dumped my stupid boyfriend a few weeks prior, I'd survived my first semester, and I think, in a few ways, I was starting to grow up.

I didn't do anything else with my hair until this past December, I decided to wear the straight bangs again, like I did when I was a child, and had a ton of layers put in, like I did when I had it cut back in the 9th grade - just not as short. ;) I had just completed one of the toughest semesters I've had - I'd overcome failures and not punched one of my professors - even though I REALLY wanted to punch her, she was so infuriating! It was also one of those days that I felt good about myself - good enough to change my look a bit.

Which leads to my haircut today. Change is a-coming in my life! I don't want to get into too much detail about it because it's a little bit personal. In any case, I feel good, my life is on track, and I know where I'm currently going with it.

ANYWAY, I'm sorry this was an extremely boring entry ... I just thought it was weird that I have this knack for cutting/changing my hair every time something in my life changes.

I'll post pictures of my crazy hair changes over the years another time, I promise. =)

<3

Quotable Quotes.

Thanks to @ihatequotes for distracting me from work ... ;)

No girl should ever forget: that she doesn’t need anyone who doesn’t need her. -Marilyn Monroe #ihatequotes

Everyone's scared. That's no reason to run away. -The Perfect Man #ihatequotes

Sometimes things don't work out and all you can do is accept it. -Armita K. #ihatequotes

You're my best friend "foreve" without the "r" bcos that would be the end of forever. -Chocolate Mint #ihatequotes

Single is NOT synonymous with desperate! Single is a CHOICE, not a lack of options! -@TheSingleWoman #ihatequotes

A person doesn't need to be perfect, to be exactly what you need. -Scrubs #ihatequotes

So long as the memory of certain beloved friends lives in my heart, I shall say that life is good. -Helen Keller #ihatequotes

I can trust my friends. They force me to examine myself, encourage me to grow. -Cher #ihatequotes

It's really hard to decide when u're too tired to hold on, but u're too in love to let go. -Vea Mariz #ihatequotes

Forgiveness means letting go of a hurtful situation and moving on with your own happiness. -Amanda Ford #ihatequotes

How u treat urself teaches others how to treat u. -@Revrunwisdom #ihatequotes

Be positive. You are worthy to be loved. (real talk) #ihatequotes

Dear my problems, my God is bigger than you :) #ihatequotes

Heartbreaks are blessings. For God saves us from the one who's not deserving. -@TheLoveStrings #ihatequotes

Math teaches us: to be understood, you have to be the simpliest form. Yes, be yourself! #ihatequotes

<3

No Regrets.

I firmly believe that life is too short to live with regrets. You have to dust yourself off and move on, don't look back too long at the past and keep moving forward into the future.

However, I definitely do regret a few things.

1) When we were younger I would always get angry with my younger brother. I didn't yet understand that it wasn't his fault the way he acted. He has Fragile X Syndrome and back then he also had a case of autism. I regret yelling at and hitting him ... whenever I did that, he would just laugh. It was all a game to him. Now I'm older, more knowledgeable and know it's not his fault. I just wish he could understand how much I regret and how sorry I am.

2) To another person ... looking back, I've hurt you so many times. I've cut you deeper than I ever could imagine. In hurting you, I eventually ended up hurting myself. I just hope I haven't done too much damage to you. I'm hoping to repair everything and I'm definitely going to make use of this chance that I've been given.

3) I regret not taking enough chances. I've lived my life guarded, I put fences up around myself, around my mind, around my heart. I can't anymore, at some point, I'm going to be sick of being alone - or at least, sick of only having a few people to count on. I need to actually live my life to the fullest. I need to see that opportunity and grab it, instead of always letting it slip passed.

So, those are the three main things that I regret but I'm using them to drive my motivation to do better - to correct some of the wrongs I've done.

Flawed Design.

I'm in an extremely open mood today. This entry is slightly related to my last one, about reminiscing.

I'm flawed. I've always known it.

I can be stupid, ignorant, a two-faced bitch, loud and obnoxious.

I don't look good without make-up - sometimes with make up I still don't look good.

I have skin issues.

My hair is dry.

I am not fashionable.

I'm judgmental.

I am extremely disorganized.

My drive for independence is a bit of a ruse.

I have no true drive or motivation.

I'm lazy.

I'm over-bearing.

And so much more...

However, now, I can say that I'm flawed and I'm okay with it. It took me a long time to come to this attitude. Nobody is perfect and I was just disillusioning myself by thinking that perfection did exist.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, ladies (and gents), empower yourselves. Everyone's got their flaws and everyone's got their weaknesses but it's okay. Life's too short to live in constant fear of people noticing your flaws - half the time, people don't even see what imperfections you see.

Let go. Be strong. Be yourself. Be free. Be you.

<3

Reminiscing.

I've spent the last two hours reading my old journal and I noticed a lot of things. In retrospect, it's so much easier to read your own thoughts and decipher them into meaning. I think this is the first time that I'm really going to be open with everyone that reads my blog. I think it's important to let you all know what person I am and give more dimension - I'm not just a personality on the internet.

To get this small aspect over with: reading about my ex just made me angry again. That was a bad trip that I never want to have to endure again. Nevertheless, that relationship taught me a lot of things: I'm a stronger girl than he ever treated me. I'm not stupid, useless, or dependent. I'm intelligent, resourceful, and very independent. I won't sit back and let a guy do everything for me. I won't let anyone choose for me. Most of all, I will never EVER go with a guy if he can't accept my friends.

Anyway, onto better things - sort of related to my last entry about "There are certain people you just keep coming back to." This journal spanned my entire high school experience, I especially wrote a lot in my senior year. There were three people that, despite telling myself to let go, I kept thinking about. One of them, was the friend who's birthday I attended a few nights ago. Another, a friend that I apparently cared about more than I ever let myself believe. The third, a friend who I liked more than a friend then got over, then saw as an older brother, now no longer talk to.

Two out of three isn't bad.

The first one, I truly believe I don't deserve his friendship. I don't know what I did to have someone so amazing in my life but I'm glad I do. He knows how to read me, how to see through my facades, how to really get under my skin. He never shies away from telling me something straight-up and never fails in giving me good advice. This is a friend that I would give up everything for ... the truth is, if you've ever been to my deviantart, the poem I'd was actually written for him. We've been friends for over 10 years and he's finally gaining his happiness fully, I hope in another 10 years that we'll still be friends and that we're both happy.

The other one, it's taken me a while but I've realized a ton about our volatile friendship. He's one of the people that I would still like to see in my life at least 10 years in the future. We've been through a ridiculous amount of drama and yet through it all, we've managed to salvage our friendship. We both went through really bad relationships, of course, his was worse than mine and a lot more toxic. We went for three years barely speaking to each other because of this and now, we're friends like those three years were merely three days. I kept telling myself, in my journal, that I didn't need him in my life; but there were more than a few entries where I wondered what it would be like if we were still talking on a regular basis. Turns out I cared more than I believed. So here's hoping there's not another fuck up of some sort because I'm enjoying having him as my friend again.

The truth is, I didn't really write about a lot of my girl friends in my journal. Probably because I always knew where I stood with them. Their presences were always constant in my life - always supportive, always understanding. I may have had my annoyances with my best friend but she already knows all of them! Besides, I know she gets annoyed with me too sometimes ;) All the girls that pissed me off always pissed me off, I never went back and forth on that. I'm still friends with all my girls from high school, perhaps we're not as close as we used to be, but they're still in my life and I think that's all that matters.

One final note as this has been a ridiculously long entry; I'm sorry if I bored you. I'm proud of myself. When I first started that journal, I was in one of the darkest places I've ever been in my life. I was battling depression, contemplating suicide, and feeling utterly worthless. In the past 5 years, I've overcome all of those obstacles. Sure, there have been some relapses but not nearly as severe as all those years ago. I no longer want to die. I don't believe I'm worthless. And I know that there are those people that truly care for me. It helps to have a wonderful support system behind me. First my family, then all my friends, now my Twitter family. I love all of you.

Thanks for reading. Again, I'm sorry if you were bored reading this, I don't typically share this many personal things about me online ... who knows, maybe in a few days this entry will be deleted or my blog will be made private.

<3

All at Once

"There are certain people you just keep coming back to."

I went to my friend's birthday party last night - he turned 20! We've known each other for over 10 years now (crazy huh?!). It's incredible that despite all the disagreements, arguments, and fights we're still friends. We can go for weeks, even months, without talking but I always know that he's someone I can depend on for anything I need - even if it's just to talk.

Anyway, his girlfriend got him an ipod nano with the above quote engraved on the back. It's of his favourite song, "All at Once" by The Fray. I must admit that I'd never heard this song before and now, I've fallen in love with it; probably because I find myself able to relate to it so well.

I hope you enjoy:



"Maybe you want it, maybe you need it, maybe it's all you're running from. Perfection will not come."

This song makes me realize ... from what have I been running away? I've lived my life in avoidance because I think I'm afraid. Afraid of failure. Afraid of ruining a good thing. Afraid of letting myself truly live.

I believe in fate: whatever is meant to be will be. This song really speaks to that aspect - there are certain people you just keep coming back to. Certain people that you need in your life.

<3

Thinking ...

Third time's a charm?

Baby-Blogger

LOL Since Sarah posted her baby pic, I figured I would post mine too! Please ignore the fact that I'm probably almost 2 years old in these pictures and I have no hair! My hair didn't really grow out until I was about 4 years old! hahaha.



Apparently, I always loved candy ;)

You get a bonus because I just had to point out: LOOK AT THOSE FLOORS! You can tell that house was built in the 80's ;)



I want to see everyone else's baby pics too! Post post post! =)

Hmm...

Is it weird that I get thrown off whenever a guy walks by/is close to me and is wearing the same cologne as my ex-boyfriend? It's definitely not an unpleasant smell, I must admit.

Of course I get frustrated after I smell it because everything that reminds me of him pisses me off ... (let's just say we had a really REALLY messy break-up).

Sorry, this one was extremely random.

School-yard Politics = Life Politics?

I don't know whether to be depressed or extremely amused that school-yard politics is still ver much present in my dad's work environment which is filled with 40-60 year old men.

We were sitting having lunch and my dad says to my mom: "I think my lunch break today will be a good one because hopefully that annoying Delos-Reyes isn't there." (My dad works from 4pm-12am)

So my mom asked why and my dad replied, "He's annoying and talks too much. Robert and I don't talk to him. He sits and eats by himself. Even the white guys don't talk to him, they say he's a weirdo and I tell them "that's just what he is.""

I can't help but feel really bad for this guy! I remember always feeling bad for the people who ate their lunch by themselves during elementary, junior high, and high school; and everyone treated them as social pariahs. It's pretty sad.

Although, I can't help but feel amused that even when you're middle-aged/close-to-retirement, these politics from the days of primary school still exist. It's as if the maturity level didn't go up as the aging process continued steadily.

Of course, if someone really is annoying and no one can stand them, I can't criticize too heavily because I know exactly how it is to be around someone that is unbelievaly irritating.

Hmm ...

So really, is this just an example of how school-yard politics equates to life-long politics? How judgments and habits formed at such a young age transcend through the years to appear in the work environment? They say we learn a lot of basic life requirements in those younger ages - who knew it would be to this extent?