Never Planned That One Day I'd Be Losing You.

I was volunteering at a charity gala last night and had a lot of fun.  I got all glammed up in my fancy dress and sky high heels, did my hair and put more effort into my make-up regimen.  I shared lots of laughs with the other volunteers and had an overall grand time.  (I kept a lot of it in, but I was also mentally judging all the rich women who were wearing HORRIBLE frocks - in style and in fit.  Evidently, money cannot buy a sense of fashion.) Of course, I spent a lot of the night trying to not be in the same room as him, trying to respect his wishes that we need time and space apart.  As much as I wanted to at least talk to him a bit, I knew I shouldn't; and as much as it hurt, I think I pulled it off pretty well.

Inevitably however, a friend's sister asked how I was holding up - if things were awkward.  And inevitably, another friend who is currently in a long-distance relationship needed to vent.  He and I are going through similar things - he kept talking about certain aspects of his relationship and how much he missed her and why he missed her, and all I could think about was how much I understood how he was feeling.  The only difference, of course, is that she's still coming back - he still has her.  I don't even have a chance.  I told him so: He's lucky he still has her and that he knows she'll be coming home.  He's fortunate that they both have strong feelings for each other.  I know it makes me sound selfish in a lot of ways to apply his situation and feelings to myself, but I can't help it.

"I'm reminded every time I drive down that road."  

I don't think anyone truly realizes the extent to which this applies to my life.  I said it in my last entry, I'm fine when I'm at work or at school where my mind is continuously bombarded with things that pertain to those situations, but the moment I'm alone in my car driving to or from wherever it is I need to be I'm reminded of everything. 

Remember when we got stuck in traffic that one day on this exact road? We had gone to dinner to celebrate our first anniversary.  We kept ourselves busy by making words out of people's license plates, and when that got exhausted, we'd get into tickle fights.  Remember that other time we were driving this route and we were having that really bad argument? That was a moment I thought we would be through for sure, but you pulled through for me - you showed me how you wanted to work it out.  Remember that time we went shopping and then I had to go to work, but the traffic was so bad you had to find another route for us to take? I wish I could just navigate my way around the city like you did that day.  I was still half an hour late for work, but you got me there and we had an adventure the entire way there.

There are so many other moments, but those were meant just for us. And I'm sure anyone reading my blog isn't terribly interested in the specific moments that made us.

"I miss all the annoying things."

That's a sign you really care for someone, let alone love them.  You're willing to look past the things that grind your gears about the other person because those ticks are what make them them.  To be honest, it's all the annoying things that I miss the most right now.  I mean, I miss all the romantic nuances and habits that made me smile, but it was the irritants that were specific to him, they're the things that he just did - there was no thought behind these things, no rhyme or reason for them.

There was another quote that really wrenched my heart, but I've already forgotten it ... maybe the impact wasn't as extreme as I thought.  Or maybe it's just the effects of the long night we had and my utter exhaustion today.  Or maybe I really am letting go - slowly.

As much as the conversations of last night hit me hard, they really made me just want him as a friend, (at least).  At this point in the game, I'll take anything I can get.  Yes, I terribly miss my lover, but I miss my friend much more.  I think the pain of not having that friendship is worse than knowing my romantic feelings are unrequited.

(Apologies for another depressing entry ... I'm working on it.)

Have You Ever Felt Alone in a Crowded Room?

I don't know if I've ever felt so alone.

I've battled depression in my past, but even that never made me feel this lonely.  This feeling has been dragging me down for over a week now. My job has me constantly surrounded by people I get along with wonderfully, and school is also packed with people, but once my day is over, I'm left with nothing.

The people I work with are all considerably older than me, so it's difficult to up and ask if they'd like to hang out after work or something.  With school, I'm only taking one class as a pre-requisite for my graduate studies. The class is an introductory course and so most of my peers are at least 4 years younger.  Not to mention, class is only twice a week.

This class is also not at the same university I completed my degree at, where all my friends attend. And because my schedule doesn't match up too well with those of my friends, it's exceedingly difficult to coordinate hanging out.

I guess the main reason I'm feeling so alone is that, it's been over 5 months and nothing is getting better. It's not getting worse, which is a good thing I suppose, but it's not getting better. I've thrown myself back into work, school, and studying for my GRE, but it's those moments when I'm driving home, laying in bed at night, eating breakfast in the morning, lying on my couch that get to me the most. My thoughts carry me away down a reminiscing road.

I tell myself to stop, but I can't.

I do feel the need to talk to someone, but all my friends are busy with school, and none of them have really checked in to see how I'm doing. I know I should reach out to them myself, but I can't help but feel like a broken record. I can't help but feel like a complete nuisance. It's been over five months, most of my friends will probably just tell me the same things they've repeated before ... Get over it. Move on. Find someone else. Do something to distract you. He doesn't want you like that anymore.

I just can't though.

It all sounds so easy, and it all sounds so procedural. It's not. I mean, how do you just let go? I've come to terms with the fact that he wants nothing to do with me romantically, (or at all at this moment in time). I also accept that it's over and we obviously were not meant to make it. I just can't let go.

It meant too much.  It still means too much.

I digress. I'm lonely. I miss having someone to text or call all the time, someone who would always respond. I know it's a lot to do with scheduling and availability, but I feel like he got to keep all our friends. If this was a divorce settlement, I got the material things, he retained custody of our friends.

In any case, I should reach out, but I'm sure everyone is tired of hearing me cry and complain. This is tougher than I ever imagined. I used to be one of those judgmental bitches who couldn't understand why people couldn't get over someone. Now I know better. Now I know heartbreak is one of the hardest trials a person ever has to go through.

Apparently heartbreak is also synonymous with loneliness.

I Don't Know How to Be Something You Miss.

This is my life.

Some people, my best friend included, would wonder why it's taken me so long to get to this point.  For me it's a simple answer: I'm still in love.  Despite all the fights, apathy and anger on his part, pain and crying on my part, I still love the guy.  It kills me to see that he's moving on with his life perfectly fine without me, but I'm stuck.  My life is moving and certain parts of me are changing, but those feelings remain the same.  Today I did what I've been holding off on doing for the past 5 months - I deleted all the pictures of the two of us from my Facebook.

As dramatic and stupid as it sounds, I cried as I hit the 'delete' button on each one of those photos.  I'd held off on deleting them for so long because I didn't want to admit it was real.  I didn't want to finally confirm to myself that this is how my life was panning out.  I didn't want to get rid of the last physical (digital?) remnants of the relationship that I'd tried so hard to hold onto.  Deleting those pictures made it real.  Deleting those pictures made me truly realize that our relationship is over, that we'll never be that way again.

Those pictures were the last pieces of evidence to the public eye that I once made him happy.  (Everything else is boxed up and stuffed into a dusty corner somewhere in each of our homes, I'm sure) Those pictures signified how we were once - happy, silly, only having eyes for each other, in love.

Deleting those pictures off public forum felt worse than when I put everything he had ever given me, souvenirs from events we'd gone to together, ticket stubs from movies and shows we'd seen, letters, photos, into a box and hid it from view.  Boxing everything up was a private affair, it was a self-admittance and I managed it after a month.  Deleting photos off of Facebook and twitpic and wherever else I'd posted them on the internet meant having to admit to everyone else that it really is over.  All of our mutual friends already knew, and all of my own friends did too, but seeing and knowing are two different things.  Now it's an actual fact.  Now everyone knows that I've realized it's over too.

It's my first step in letting go, but I never imagined it would hurt this much.

Sad blog post is sad ... but this is my life.

She's a Million Miles Away.

Hello?

Is this thing on?

Ah ... got it.  Now, is anyone out there??

It's been ages since I've last written a proper blog entry, I'll be amazed if anyone still visits this page!

As I'm sure everyone knows, a lot can happen in over a year.

Since the last time I've updated, I found a job I loved, fell more in love with the boy, maintained my good grades, and graduated university.  Of course, life had to balance the books, so the boy fell out of love with me and broke my heart, I didn't get accepted into any universities for my Master's degree, and I lost that job I was so fond of because the foundation got shut down.

Needless to say, it's been a roller coaster ride for the past year, especially with regards to my emotions.  It's funny how life always manages to throw you curve balls.  Unfortunately, I feel like all it's been doing is throwing me curve balls.  Maybe I should come to expect them, but I figure my luck has to turn around sometime, right?

In a previous entry from waaaaaaaaaaay back, I described how I'm a firm believer in "If it's meant to be, it will be." Lately I've had a hard time reconciling myself with that mantra, simply because of all the emotional anguish I've been going through.  That quote just seems so optimistic and unattainable.  However, last night as I was lying in bed, ready to fall asleep, I felt a glimmer of hope while thinking about that quote. I've lost things in the past that I'd really wanted to hold onto, but sometimes they came back to me when I least expected them to.  Obviously those things were meant to be and they'd returned to me after I'd moved on with my life and nearly forgotten.  Maybe this is just life's way of saying there are other things for me right now.  I need to go and figure me out again.  I need to find other things that make me happy and will help me grow.

Anyway ... I know this entry wasn't exactly up to my usual standard of entry, but I'm hoping to get back into this blogging business.  I'd forgotten what a good outlet blogging could be, especially with how my mind reels and races at times.  If you're still reading my blog, thanks for sticking around despite my long hiatus.  If you're new to my blog and stumbled upon it somehow in the past few days - welcome!

Until next,
Adrienne