It's Harder Everyday.

I'm a mess to end all messes tonight.

I'm not sure if I'm more angry or sad, either way I'm unhappy.  This emotional rollercoaster has me going in every direction. I honestly don't even know which way is up.

All I know is that I can't deal with this anymore.  I feel like the only way I could go on and be happy again would be some memory procedure to wipe everything about him from my mind ... Or if he was to come back.  Unfortunately, both of those options are entirely impossible, so I'm stuck.

All my friends tell me I'm tough and strong for being able to go out with the group, including him, and show barely any emotion about it.  The truth is, it kills me every single time I do see him. I die not being able to talk to him unless he speaks first simply because that's what he wants.  We're not even together anymore and I'm still going by what he wants ...

It's really friggen ironic that I can't get over the guy when in high school I kept complaining about how he couldn't get over me.

I guess one of the things that hurts the most is the fact that he liked me for so long and now he couldn't give one shit about me. It's as if he wishes I never even existed.

Him falling out of love with me hurts worse than I ever could have imagined.  I don't even think I would wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy.  I tried so hard to get him to even like me again towards the end of our relationship because at that time I felt like he didn't even like me as a person, let alone love me. I tried so damn hard, but in the end it wasn't what he wanted.  I wasn't what he wanted. He looked for every excuse as to why we weren't working. He just didn't want me at all.

Maybe it's karma. Maybe he was always meant to break my heart for all the times in high school I turned him down.

In any case, I'm not as strong as everyone thinks.  I'm a right mess.  I'm not okay with this.