Tell Me How You REALLY Feel.

FED UP FED UP FED UP      FED UP FED UP FED UP      FED UP FED UP FED
FED UP FED UP FED UP      FED UP FED UP FED UP      FED UP FED UP FED UP
FED UP                                       FED UP                                       FED UP                    FED UP
FED UP                                       FED UP                                       FED UP                       FED UP
FED UP                                       FED UP                                       FED UP                          FED UP
FED UP FED UP                       FED UP FED UP                      FED UP                             FED UP
FED UP FED UP                       FED UP FED UP                      FED UP                             FED UP
FED UP                                      FED UP                                       FED UP                          FED UP
FED UP                                      FED UP                                       FED UP                       FED UP
FED UP                                      FED UP                                       FED UP                     FED UP
FED UP                                      FED UP FED UP FED UP      FED UP FED UP FED UP
FED UP                                      FED UP FED UP FED UP      FED UP FED UP FED

fed up                      fed up            fed up fed up fed up                   fed up
fed up                      fed up            fed upfedupfedupf up                fed up
fed up                      fed up            fed up                   fed up               fed up
fed up                      fed up            fed up                   fed up               fed up
fed up                      fed up            fed up                   fed up               fed up
fed up                      fed up            fed up fed up fed up                    fed up
fed up                      fed up            fed upfedupfedup                       fed up
fed up                      fed up            fed up                                               fed up
 fed up                    fed up             fed up
    fed up fed up fed up                fed up                                              fed up
           fed up fed up                      fed up                                              fed up

Enter Sandman.

Can someone please tell me how to unplug my brain? Or better yet, turn off my feelings?

I've been lying in bed thinking and getting emotional for the past two and a half hours. It looks like I'm back at square one, maybe square two or three because I guess I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be. In any case, no rest for the weary, indeed!

I'm definitely going to need an IV of espresso hooked up to me tomorrow... err ... today.

Holding Back Won't Turn Back Time.

When did the rain become a storm?
When did the clouds begin to form?
Yeah we got knocked out of course by a natural force,
And well, we'll be swimming when it's gone.

Differences.

It's not about what I deserve, it's about what I need.

Speechless.

Was it too much to ask, it was too much to ask.

You've Got Growing Up to Do.

And so my 21st year is drawing to a close. Of course, it couldn't go out without some excitement, albeit extremely misplaced and fear-inducing excitement (I'm pretty sure a handful of years were shaved off my life in just 5 seconds). Not to mention, 21 just couldn't leave me without some masochistic reflections and reminiscing.

Heartbreak, rejection, loss, frustration were the recurring themes of this past year.  That Youbeing said, I do have to acknowledge the few triumphs and milestones that have also occurred.  Admittedly, it's difficult to celebrate the positives this year has brought while they've been overshadowed by the negatives.

Yes, yes, life is only as bad as you perceive it to be, but it's been a rough year - one of my toughest years to say the least. Hopefully 22 brings a bit more happiness, second chances, and a new vitality overall.

Roll on 21, and bring all the bad luck with you!

One of These Things is Not Like the Others.

Heart racing,

face blushing,

fingers tingling,

butterflies flitting,

mind panicking,

smiles breaking,

giggles erupting,

stomach revolting ...?

That's not right.

I'm Scared to Death.

Where Is My Mind?

On the verge of a mental breakdown from all the things I have to get done, so I figured this was as good a time as any to post a rant.  Not entirely related to my current stressors, but I need to get it out anyway.

I am so sick of people telling me how I feel and why I feel that way.  Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were inside my mind and sifting through all my emotions and completely aware of the reasons these emotions are manifesting.  I'll feel however I want to feel for as long as I want, and until I feel the need to not feel that way anymore.  I'll feel however I want to feel for the reasons that are there and make sense to me.  And please don't tell me how I should feel, because last I checked, the only person who could control that was me, and sometimes even I cannot control it.  Don't tell me to get over something because it's what you perceive to be the wrong.  Don't tell me to calm down or relax because the only purpose that serves is to rile me up further.  Believe it or not, I am fully capable of self-regulation.

If there is one thing about me that is consistent, it's my passion.  When I feel something, it's pretty much the only thing I do feel.  I even do apathy passionately.  It's not necessarily healthy, but I will admit that at times passion can bleed into obsession.  I get stuck.  However, as I mentioned already, I can self-regulate, it just takes me some time.  Call it delayed reaction or whatever, you may even call it obsession or just plain old crazy for holding onto certain feelings for so long, but that's me and people just have to acknowledge that.

I feel how I feel because that's how I react to whatever is going on.  I feel how I feel because hormones once a month.  I feel how I feel because that's how my brain is wired.  I feel how I feel because sometimes I care too much.  I feel how I feel because I'd much rather be sad or angry or crazy than feel nothing at all. 

I feel how I feel because it is what it is.

So maybe take some of your own advice, and get over it.

Pardon the excessive use of the word 'feel' in this entry.

How Do You Feel?

Hayley nods. "He got angry when he couldn't tell me my favourite colour, or my favourite singer, or...even why I have paintings hanging on the walls."

Dean frowns. "I don't know much of that."

"No," she sighs. "You don't. That's Ryan's reasoning, not mine. He thinks to be better for someone than someone else you have to be able to cite every detail about them. He doesn't think about actual feelings or how people fit together."

-  wonderwoundedhearers (Spin Me)

Relevant.  

I think it's pretty self-explanatory.  Also, pardon the guilty pleasure. ;)

Say It to My Face.

I have never felt this under-appreciated before.  I'm actually quite offended.  I wish I could write about actual details, but with my job and the clientele I work with: confidentiality and all that!

I work my ass off for my job and I work especially hard to ensure that I'm fulfilling everything that's within my job description.  To hear from my direct supervisor that a parent has called one of the higher-ups to say that I did nothing grinds my gears.  I deal with getting slapped, kicked, spit on, and pushed around; after two and a half hours of that, I am exhausted and quite often close to tears.  I am working so damn hard to make sure my clients are progressing at an appropriate rate, so to hear that I'm being perceived as doing nothing and that I'm not working in such a way to curve certain behaviors is a huge kick in the face.

The work I do and am responsible for is only effective if everyone is on board and using similar strategies.  Thank you very much, but I am not the one doing nothing.

I am so irritated right now.  I am so damn close to the end of my rope.

You Can Say Anything You Want.

Sorry ... it's another music blog again!

The original version of this song (Cher Lloyd) is super catchy, but gets annoying real quick, especially with all the grunts.  I heard this version and it's been on repeat for DAYS now - it's essentially the only thing I've listened to while driving and doing work.  Anything that Boyce Avenue touches is gold - the way they change the lyrics is ace - (remember when I was obsessed with their version of Teenage Dream? That's still my favourite version of that song) and I have absolutely fallen in love with Hannah Trigwell's voice.  It's because of this song I went and downloaded her EP Pieces and I can't get enough of the three songs on that album.  Definitely recommend at least looking her up on youtube - unfortunately her original stuff isn't on her channel, and I'm too lazy to hyperlink, not to mention, I've already hyperlinked quite a bit in this entry.

Anyway ... I'm rambling.  I blame fatigue and being sick (my immune system has finally decided to give up trying to keep me healthy and let me get a cold.  Of course, I also work in four different preschools so that definitely played a huge role in my downfall.  So melodramatic, I know! I love kids, but they're germy little buggers haha.)

Til next!

You clearly didn't think it through,

'Cause I had everything for you,

Now I don't know what to do, do, do.

Tomorrow, Please.

I am so over today.

I have been spit on, slapped, punched, kicked, and screamed at (ah the joys of being a preschool worker ... don't get me wrong, I love my job, but days like this really piss me off.  I've been told I'm a saint for having so much patience to put up with some of the things that I do, but the truth is I'm just good at holding in my actual reactions).  I can't even go to my dance class because the weather is terrible, the roads are disgustingly awful, and I really don't feel like driving through it just for an hour-long session. 

Ugh ugh ugh.

Somebody cheer me up somehow, please?

I'm a Black Mermaid.

I should be studying, but I figured I deserved a break after 45 minutes of straight work.

Random tidbit about me: My favourite female artist is Esthero.  It's been 7 years (count them, SEVEN - I was in my first year of high school back then) since her last album was released.  After that long wait, Everything is Expensive was finally released last week and I definitely recommend taking a listen to it.  This song isn't my favourite off the album ("Over" takes that position), but it's pretty damn close.

The quality on this youtube vid isn't that great, but it gets the point across.

And I've spent most of my life deep down inside myself

I've dreamt about the possibility of someone else

who could see the things I've seen

and steal away with me.

Fade Away.

Despite the lyrics I just posted, I'm not as sad as it may seem.  Really.  It's just November and the significance behind that is paramount.

I guess, if anything, I'm feeling a bit hopeless.

I've really got nothing more to say than that.

Let Me Make Believe.

I know you tried but your heart ain't gonna fake it
If it ain't love, there's no way I can take it
So exposed, I might as well be naked
And I've been praying but I just can't make you love me
And it burns my heart that you don't feel the flame

I can't make you love me
so hold me like you mean it
and I'll pretend you feel it one last time.

- Elise Estrada "One Last Time"

I Tried to Forget.

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here I rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night ...

- Death Cab for Cutie