I've been home for an hour and the silence is already driving me crazy ... I can't turn on the tv because almost every channel is covering the tragedy in Newtown, CT and it's terribly depressing, but also very infuriating. I don't want to hear about the killer; psychoanalyzing him posthumously won't change a thing, it won't bring those kids and adults back, it's getting everyone's attention on somebody who really doesn't deserve the recognition his name is getting. Retelling the story every 15 minutes is also probably making this whole ordeal worse for the families who did lose somebody. So stop.
Media sensationalism gets on my nerves so much, especially because it doesn't do anything! It brings about the ridiculous argument that video games and movies inspire violence in people - they don't. People create violence. People who have mental illness but have no access to help but wide access to the gun market create violence. Clearly, the states needs to rethink their gun laws AND their health care. The fact that it's easier for people to access guns than it is to access medical help of any sort is horrific, particularly for a first world country.
ANYWAY ... I digress.
So my house is quiet. I can't turn on the tv, for the aforementioned reasons. I won't turn on music because, for whatever reason, I don't feel like listening to music; I'm just not in the mood. So here I am, tap, tap, tapping away at my laptop, listening to the sound of my fingers hitting the keyboard and the traffic rushing by outside, (not to mention the ambient clock ticking and natural house creaks). You never really realize just how much noise goes on in your home that you find to be ambient until you're alone.
This house has never felt so big.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
I Don't Know When I Lost My Mind.
I've been in strange moods lately. It's this inexplicable blend of nonchalance and caring about every single thing; apathy and fury, stolidity and anguish.
When I go to the mall and can blow nearly $300 in one go, plus all the online shopping I've been doing for the past two weeks, and not feel buyer's remorse, you know something is up. I just wish I could explain it. I am at such a loss for words right now.
I have such a difficult time getting up in the morning, and not for lack of rest, I guess it's almost as if I just can't find a really good reason to get out of bed anymore. I do because I have responsibilities, to myself and to my brother. I do because I enjoy my job and so those kids can be successful. I do because I want to feel useful. But, somehow, it's not enough. I need more. I need that reason to get up in the morning; that one driving force that makes me happy to get out of bed, makes me feel like morning cannot come soon enough, not because I have a duty to fulfill.
I guess right now I'm just coasting through life ... I miss the rush. I miss having a constant in life. I mean, sure, work is constant and routine, but it's mundane. I missing having a constant which remained so even if everything was monotonously ongoing or completely flipped on its head. The constant of knowing there was something to look forward to at the end of everyday - right now, I have nothing to look forward to. Wake up, work, come home, do paper work, sleep, rinse and repeat.
I'm tired of feeling like this ... it's all so ridiculously tedious.
I haven't even gone into detail about how certain things just set me off ... when I'm not feeling nonchalant and bland (which I am about 70% of the time), I feel extremely - it's never just mad or sad, it's furious or depressed. It's mostly right before I go to bed, those moments when I'm just lying in the dark staring up at the atramentous ceiling, thinking. Thinking about things that could have been, things in the past that I wish I could change, the future, everything: school, work, life, love, family.
At least if I were bi-polar I would have an actual reason for the way I've been feeling and acting lately. Right now I'm lost. Like I said before, I'm coasting, but I miss the rush. I'm tired of the mundaneness that has become my life.
Whatever it is, I am definitely ready for a holiday.
All I want for Christmas is ...
Well ... I can't even answer that right now, because I don't even know.
When I go to the mall and can blow nearly $300 in one go, plus all the online shopping I've been doing for the past two weeks, and not feel buyer's remorse, you know something is up. I just wish I could explain it. I am at such a loss for words right now.
I have such a difficult time getting up in the morning, and not for lack of rest, I guess it's almost as if I just can't find a really good reason to get out of bed anymore. I do because I have responsibilities, to myself and to my brother. I do because I enjoy my job and so those kids can be successful. I do because I want to feel useful. But, somehow, it's not enough. I need more. I need that reason to get up in the morning; that one driving force that makes me happy to get out of bed, makes me feel like morning cannot come soon enough, not because I have a duty to fulfill.
I guess right now I'm just coasting through life ... I miss the rush. I miss having a constant in life. I mean, sure, work is constant and routine, but it's mundane. I missing having a constant which remained so even if everything was monotonously ongoing or completely flipped on its head. The constant of knowing there was something to look forward to at the end of everyday - right now, I have nothing to look forward to. Wake up, work, come home, do paper work, sleep, rinse and repeat.
I'm tired of feeling like this ... it's all so ridiculously tedious.
I haven't even gone into detail about how certain things just set me off ... when I'm not feeling nonchalant and bland (which I am about 70% of the time), I feel extremely - it's never just mad or sad, it's furious or depressed. It's mostly right before I go to bed, those moments when I'm just lying in the dark staring up at the atramentous ceiling, thinking. Thinking about things that could have been, things in the past that I wish I could change, the future, everything: school, work, life, love, family.
At least if I were bi-polar I would have an actual reason for the way I've been feeling and acting lately. Right now I'm lost. Like I said before, I'm coasting, but I miss the rush. I'm tired of the mundaneness that has become my life.
Whatever it is, I am definitely ready for a holiday.
All I want for Christmas is ...
Well ... I can't even answer that right now, because I don't even know.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Just Breathe.
It's been a few days and I can finally have some room to breathe ... thus, some time to rant on my blog!
I re-wrote my GRE this afternoon and I'm feeling pretty dumb about it. My raw scores only went up by a point in each component. So I pretty much wasted $200. Just goes to show I guess, no matter how much you prepare, sometimes you're just as good as the system you've got. I like to think I prepared a bit more this time around, but that would be slightly dishonest. I probably prepared just as much as I did for the first time I took this exam, so I guess I deserve what I got! It just sucks to have had to spend another $200 to figure that out.
Ugh.
In other news, I'm a little fed up about my job. There are some obvious double standards going on right now which I am extremely irritated with. ALSO, just started with a new client on Thursday and I can already tell that while I will get along with the kid just fine, I may have some bones to pick with some of the adults in the room. No specifics to be posted, but it's definitely going to be an adventure in testing my patience!
Point of randomness: I finally re-activated my facebook. Actually, I reactivated a few days ago, I've just kept on the down low, and actually managed to not go on it! That being said, I just spent a half hour catching up on certain parts. I'll probably continue my creeping tomorrow.
Other random news, 13 days til I get the house to myself for a week and 19 days until Hawaii! Woohoo!
I think that's all for now, just a super quick blog today - I spent 4.5 hours today staring at a computer screen for my exam, I'm done looking at screens today, even my phone is straining my eyes. Blahh ...
I know this is a poorly written entry and probably reads like a ditzy pre-teen wrote it, but please forgive me, my brain is fried and any eloquence I may have had before was completely exhausted during the analytical writing components of the GRE. Hopefully a better entry tomorrow or the next day.
Much love.
I re-wrote my GRE this afternoon and I'm feeling pretty dumb about it. My raw scores only went up by a point in each component. So I pretty much wasted $200. Just goes to show I guess, no matter how much you prepare, sometimes you're just as good as the system you've got. I like to think I prepared a bit more this time around, but that would be slightly dishonest. I probably prepared just as much as I did for the first time I took this exam, so I guess I deserve what I got! It just sucks to have had to spend another $200 to figure that out.
Ugh.
In other news, I'm a little fed up about my job. There are some obvious double standards going on right now which I am extremely irritated with. ALSO, just started with a new client on Thursday and I can already tell that while I will get along with the kid just fine, I may have some bones to pick with some of the adults in the room. No specifics to be posted, but it's definitely going to be an adventure in testing my patience!
Point of randomness: I finally re-activated my facebook. Actually, I reactivated a few days ago, I've just kept on the down low, and actually managed to not go on it! That being said, I just spent a half hour catching up on certain parts. I'll probably continue my creeping tomorrow.
Other random news, 13 days til I get the house to myself for a week and 19 days until Hawaii! Woohoo!
I think that's all for now, just a super quick blog today - I spent 4.5 hours today staring at a computer screen for my exam, I'm done looking at screens today, even my phone is straining my eyes. Blahh ...
I know this is a poorly written entry and probably reads like a ditzy pre-teen wrote it, but please forgive me, my brain is fried and any eloquence I may have had before was completely exhausted during the analytical writing components of the GRE. Hopefully a better entry tomorrow or the next day.
Much love.
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