I desperately feel the need to cry, but no tears are actually forming, let alone falling. I guess it's because I know that I can't waste anymore tears on people who a) don't really care how much they affect me, b) don't understand and don't even try to understand my sensitive nature, and c) act as if my opinion/needs/actions/attempts don't matter.
My relationship with my father has never been great. As a child, he was constantly berating me for wanting to dance, play an instrument, and write rather than doing karate, being good at a "traditional sport", and exceling in math or science. It was always an issue of "I want to be able to tell my friends that my daughter can do everything their sons can do" and "I wantto be able to brag about you" Evidently being a girl and doing things that I was actually good at and wanted to do wasn't ever good enough. Even to this day, he's always dropping lines like "You should go to law school" or "Why don't you go be a doctor?" because aspiring to do Speech-Language Pathology or anything to do with special needs isn't a high enough goal.
Now you know the reason why I've struggled with my self-esteem and why my social life most often takes the hit because I try so hard to do something "right" in my dad's eyes -he'd prefer if I stayed home all the damn time and do housework.
He hasn't spoken to me for almost 2 weeks now because I neglected one bit of housework. He won't even acknowledge my presence, even if I greet him the moment i walk through the door after coming home from work or dance or wherever - that's if he's even on the main floor of the house, he's usually holed up in his room when I get home. He's stopped eating dinner with the family and has started going to bed earlier so he doesn't have to see me at all. The last time he gave me the silent treatment, which was actually less than a month ago, I figured I'd try to ingratiate myself and say 'good night' before I went up, the look he gave me was so full of malice I had to cry afterwards. No child should ever see that look from one of their parents.
Frankly, it pisses me off, but at the same time it sucks and it hurts.
Every child aims to make their parents proud, I have honestly never achieved that; at least not where my ather is concerned. But for him to be so petty and act so childish just grates on me, and it's the reason that I will likely be out of my parents' house by the end of the summer.
Anyway, the other person I feel the need to cry over, but can't? Just one look and that's all it takes. It was a look I've seen given to people that have really crossed the line. Yet another person I never ever thought I would receive that malignant look from, but I did. I will admit I was in the wrong, but that is a look I'll never forget, one I really don't think I deserved despite my wrong-doing. It was a simple joke, but I got burned.
No tears here, which is surprising, but maybe I'm just done. I'm fed up with crying over people who don't treat me appropriately. I'm over being visibly sad about things these people have done. I'm realizing that I am good enough and if that's not enough for them, then screw them.
I mean, I'm still sad - and that comes with the territory of being depressed, but I won't cry anymore. I can't.
I do have to say I am quite impressed that I am not more sad considering today's date - I know, I know, it seems like nearly every day has significance as I always seem to write posts complaining about certain dates. I guess it means I'm on the right track though - this date holds a huge amount of significance, like epic proportions of significance, and the fact that I'm not that sad is a huge deal, so pardon me as I say that I am super proud of myself.
I just unloaded a lot of personal things onto here, I hope I didn't scare anyone off, but maybe my readers feel like they know me a little bit better :)
Recommended Listening: You Don't Get a song - Esthero
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