Can Only Let You Down.

Sleepless. Disappointment. Guilt. Need. Irritation. Frustration. Ridiculous. Unjustified. Unclear. Irrational. Stupid. Compensate? Idea. Impossible. Idea. Potential. Idea. Definite. Idea. Hopefully. Sad. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Faultless. Still sad. Ugh.

I'm Tired of Proving You Right By Doing Everything So Wrong.

Just received another rejection letter from another school.  Feeling like a total champ right now.  Can we not have a repeat of last year, please? I'd also really appreciate if nothing else went wrong this week, thanks.

Two more hours until I can go stomp the hell out of the floor and call it dance.  I'm gonna need it.

(I was having such a great day today too ... ugh)

The Only Thing that Keeps Me Wishing.

It's a bit disheartening, but a tad liberating at the same time, when you finally realize someone is likely always going to let you down.

You can hope for the best and wish things to change, but wishing only gets you so far. Besides, too many things have transpired and the situation is so far out of your control for it to ever change. 

That moment you accept this fact breaks your heart that much more, but it's a step in the right direction.  You can't control the other person anymore than you can control the situation.  You can never know what is going through the other person's mind, or what their feeling, or their motivations for why they do what they do. That's life though, isn't it? You never know.

I've been aware that I've been let down over and over for almost a year now, but now I think I finally just get it. I've finally accepted it as the absolute certainty in my life.  I'm going to continue being let down so long as the dynamic of this entire thing remains the same, but I still hope to be proved wrong - for my absolute certainty to not be so absolute.

I may be holding out for a miracle, but I'm not going to hold my breath anymore.

[Edit 10:57 pm: Pleasantly surprised ... still not expecting a lot though]

Flawed Design IV

It's that feeling of not being quite good enough, not being able to stack up to anyone's expectations, including your own.

It's hearing the disappointment in your dad's voice when he talks about the place in life you're currently in.  Trying to convince him the menial jobs you take on now are a necessary stepping stone to your ultimate goal is done in vain.  You have a Bachelor's degree, but at this point it's not worth much without the experience simply because your grades weren't good enough. You can't be considered a professional at this stage because you're lacking the qualifications needed.  You're taking a course to have all the pre-requisites for grad school lined up because you didn't do enough research the last time you applied. You're still in this city because everywhere you applied to go last year rejected you.

It's the loneliness that has crept up on you none too subtly.  You're alone because you weren't enough to keep him around. You need him more than he ever needed you because you let your emotions rule you.  You're too emotional and sentimental.  You're keeping yourself from sending that text or making that call because you want to see if he'll put the effort in to salvage the friendship at least.  Unfortunately, the outlook doesn't seem too promising.  You two have survived not speaking for years, but this time it's that much worse simply because more has happened between you.  Face the music, he doesn't want you or need you.  Even if they say they'll never leave, everyone always does eventually.

It's that hopelessness and helplessness. Everyone has seemingly given up on you.  You fall into the role of the listening ear so easily that they think you're fine. You blog so much about your problems, no one's going to open that can of worms because it'll be the same old, same old.  No one expects anything more than tears or anger or silence.

I just want something to work out for once ... and for it to stay. I'm tired of all the rejection and loss.