Every "Until Next Time" Feels Like One Bad Punch Line.

I'm exhausted, but every time I turn out the light, close my eyes, and try to fall asleep my mind becomes inondated by thoughts and memories and the accompanying feelings.  Each time I'm about to finally drift off, I'm overwhelmed, regardless of how I try to prevent my mind from turning to those figments.

It's no secret (anymore, at least) that I do suffer from a form of depression.  There are days where I'm sad for no apparent reason and am completely unable to pull myself from the pit despite all my intentions and attempts to do so.  The key component, however, is that whenever I am in one of those depressive phases, it's usually affecting my self-esteem and perspective of self.  Today is different.

This week is different.

This state I'm in doesn't have me berating myself or reevaluating my outlook on my prospective future.  Rather, I'm in some state of mourning.  It's been an entire year since my life changed completely.  365 days since my world was flipped sideways and counter-rotated.  While I do count a number of gains in the past year, I lost most of the things that truly mattered, the things I cherished above all else.

Unfortunately, today also marks a year of having my feelings dismissed, mostly unintentionally.  Grief makes people uncomfortable and unwilling to address it.  I understand that aspect: it's difficult to console someone, especially if you are unable to relate to what they are going through.  I guess the aspect that is a little harder to comprehend is telling someone "Just forget him. You deserve better anyway. You'll be fine."

It's dismissive and presumptuous.

I've discussed this a lot in previous entries, I'm the type who internalizes everything and I know I'm not the only one.  That isn't to say that we "internalizers" don't want people asking how we feel or what we think.  In my case, I often feel like I'm a nuisance if I merely call someone up just to talk about my emotions.  (I'm in therapy now for this, but that's an entirely different story).  A year ago, nobody really asked how I was doing, they just dismissed.  Assumed I would bounce back and stand up on my own within a few weeks.  Assumed that I could forget [intense] feelings I'd had for years. Assumed that by telling me I deserved better that I would simply believe it and move on.

I could have, should have, spoken up and corrected those assumptions, but I didn't so there is fault on myself too.  I also think I was so numb to everything around me that I didn't notice all that much that people weren't asking, just telling.

Alas, retrospect is 20/20 after all.

I digress.  Back to the main point, I can't sleep because my mind is racing and reminding me of everything that's happened in the last year and a half, and I need to be up for work in less than five hours.  It's funny, in a weird way, that I'm more depressed now than I was immediately after the break-up.  I think back then I just didn't feel anything, and in fact, I really didn't let myself feel anything.  I threw myself into work and literally worked myself to exhaustion.  This year, I have way more time on my hands - more time to myself.  Unfortunately for me, this means more time to think and settle into these sad feelings.  Since I've started therapy, I have gotten better at not thinking myself into bad moods, but there is still the aspect of merely waking up some mornings and feeling depressed for no apparent reason - those phases are the ones I can't pull myself out of by changing my trainof thought.

I'm sure I can pull myself out of this hole ... just not tonight.  I think my exhaustion is just hampering my will-power.  Not to mention, this date in general is one huge trigger.  In a few days, I hope to be fine; I mean, I'd been having one of my good phases for about a week, so hopefully I can pick myself up in the next few days.

As much as I wish circumstances were different, the reality is they're not, so I've no choice but to adapt and try to feel better.  To paraphase from a previous entry of mine (see: We Got Knocked Off Course By a Natural Force), I'm still in deep water, but I'm learning to tread it - and I'm also learning how to depend on my friends more to talk about my feelings and burdens.

(I apologize for any typos)

Recommended listening (blog entry title taken from): "Don't Want an Ending" - Sam Tsui

The Only Thing that Keeps Me Wishing.

It's a bit disheartening, but a tad liberating at the same time, when you finally realize someone is likely always going to let you down.

You can hope for the best and wish things to change, but wishing only gets you so far. Besides, too many things have transpired and the situation is so far out of your control for it to ever change. 

That moment you accept this fact breaks your heart that much more, but it's a step in the right direction.  You can't control the other person anymore than you can control the situation.  You can never know what is going through the other person's mind, or what their feeling, or their motivations for why they do what they do. That's life though, isn't it? You never know.

I've been aware that I've been let down over and over for almost a year now, but now I think I finally just get it. I've finally accepted it as the absolute certainty in my life.  I'm going to continue being let down so long as the dynamic of this entire thing remains the same, but I still hope to be proved wrong - for my absolute certainty to not be so absolute.

I may be holding out for a miracle, but I'm not going to hold my breath anymore.

[Edit 10:57 pm: Pleasantly surprised ... still not expecting a lot though]