Why Don'tcha Do Something?

They say do something that scares you everyday.  Well, I've done that along with something that has [mildly] embarrassed me, something that has made me feel good about myself (although also gave me a world of hurt), something out of what used to be habit that I actually haven't done in a while, and something indulgent.

1. an hour and a half long nap
2. joined linkd.in and realized that people get notified when you look at their profiles
3. requested an appointment for something I've been putting off for much too long
4. painted my nails
5. an hour long intense work-out

I'll let you puzzle out which activity falls under which category.

Bonus activity ... which I actually did a few days ago: changed my tumblr url.

Quotable IX.

“Letters are just pieces of paper,” I said. “Burn them, and what stays in your heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish.”

- Haruki Murakami (Norwegian Wood)

Some people I know (myself included) would do well to keep this in mind.

Sink into Oblivion.

If nothing else, I just want to feel okay again.

Quotable VIII.

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” - Kahlil Gibran

Work It Out.

 I'm on a super fitness kick.  I've been grumpy-pants all week, particularly in the mornings, but this morning I woke up happy.  I figured it was because I'd had such an awesome time with my tap class last night (great workout, good stress-relief) and signed up for the year-end performance (kind of felt like I was signing my life away, but it'll be tons of fun).  Not to mention, I totally vegged-out last night, I fell asleep and slept straight through the night until my alarm went off and shockingly, despite only having 5.5 hours of sleep, I wasn't too tired to get up!

That lead me to conclude that I need to work out and get all those endorphins and other good things flowing more often than my once-a-week dance classes.  I mean, it is proven that people who are active tend to be happier.  Not to mention, in the past, I've always felt better about myself when I've incorporated some form of physical activity into my routine. 

Since I have no social life - all my friends are out of town, busy with school, or both - I've decided what better way to spend my MWF afternoons than hitting the gym?! Well ... shopping, but I really need to save the money and definitely need to clear out my room first (pretty sure I'm a stage 1 hoarder, ugh).

Anyway, I've signed up for a gym membership, and am determined to kick my ass to the gym on the allotted afternoons; unless something comes up, which I highly doubt will.  I started today and it felt great.  I'm actually impressed I didn't keel over about halfway into my cardio workout.  I lifted some weights afterwards, stretched it out, then had a quick steam.

I've also stocked up on supplements.  I'm pretty good about taking my usual Vitamins C, D, and Calcium/Magnesium, so I guess it's just a few more to add on.

Here's hoping this fitness kick sticks around.  (Of course, not wanting to waste the money I'm spending on a gym membership is incentive enough right now).

Life is an Open Road.

I had my adventure today!

At first I wasn't so sure because the weather was pretty awful this morning, but then I said "Screw it." and figured that if it was bad driving towards my destination, then I would simply turn around and come back into the city again.  Fortunately, Mother Nature decided to look favourably upon my impromptu journey and the weather just got nicer and nicer the further north (well ... northwest if you want to be technical) I drove.

I had only been planning on going as far as Canmore which is about an hour away from home.  I drove around the city and walked a bit, then decided to check out the Nordic Center and briefly debated if I should try some skiing.  Unfortunately, the wind was a bit too brisk and I hadn't brought my hat or snow pants with me so I probably would not have made it too far and wasted the money to rent skis and for entrance into the actual park.

So I figured, it was only another 15 minutes to the town of Banff and I could make the national park entrance fee worth it.  Besides, I think it was necessary that I go on my own and explore - clear my head, enjoy the sights for myself.  It was still a bit brisk, but sunny - way better than the forecast here at home - and there were hardly any people around - mostly locals and only a few tourists.  Needless to say, Banff was super enjoyable without having to stop and walk around people taking pictures, stopping to figure out where they were, or slowing down simply because of the crowds.

I walked around for an hour and a half, wandering kind of aimlessly, and just forgetting myself and the world for a while.  I stopped for a break in the Second Cup and warmed up with a honey vanilla tea latte and the sheer friendliness of the barista.  After a half hour I went back to my car and hit the road again, debating if I should start heading home or head further north.  Once I hit the fork in the road, I kept going north and opted to take the scenic drive to Johnston Canyon.  I figured I might be able to hike up to the Lower Falls at the very least.

Ha! Fooled myself.  The drive up to the canyon was gorgeous, as it always is, but there's just something about seeing the trees and foliage (and of course, mountains) covered in snow that makes it extra stunning.  I got out of my car and was nearly taken away by a huge gust of wind.  There was no way I was making it up to the Lower Falls, not without snow pants/wind breakers, and a hat.  Do I really need to tell you what I did next? I got back in my car and decided to drive back.

I was super tempted to drive towards Lake Louise, but figured that I would get stuck in rush hour back in the city if I went.  Oh well ... another time.  At least now I can say that I made my own memories in a bunch of these places ... not to mention, got a complimentary refresher crash course in winter driving (not all stretches of the roads had been paved and sanded so it made for a bit of an exciting course through the winding roads).

Anyway ... I had a fabulous day.  It was incredible having the chance to get away to clear my mind and relax for a day, especially since it's the middle of the week.  Tranquility on a Wednesday? Unheard of until today, for me at least.

Just me, my tunes, some snacks, and the open road (with the added bonus of gorgeous scenery).  I'll never get sick of seeing the mountains, especially in their majestic snow-capped states.  And for being only an hour away? I love calling this place home.

Here are four of my favourites from today (ignore the spots ... my windshield wipers are evidently not doing their job properly!):

I am a SUPERFOX.

Well ... not quite yet. More like I'm a superfox cub.

Confused about the reference? It's because this book has been my companion since I bought it yesterday: It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken.

Bonus Hello Kitty pajama pants!

Yep.  I went there.  Some of you, my faithful readers, may think it's a last-ditch effort, but some of you may appreciate it.  Truthfully, a bit of the stuff in this book is stuff I've already heard from friends, or things I've already done for myself, but it was refreshing to read it in this book simply because the authors weren't condescending or trying to be therapeutic in anyway.  It was candid, straight-forward, and quite fun actually.

And yes, all of those sticky notes sticking out are things I've flagged as relatable, worth another reminder, or a need to do!  Considering the book is nearly 300 pages, the fact I've got only about 25 stickies isn't bad, (never mind the fact that one of them actually cordons off a whole chapter).

In any case, I've been feeling really low lately so I decided to spend my afternoon yesterday looking at books, shoes, and dresses.  I ended up buying 5 other books apart from this one (and debated also buying The Break-Up Bible, but figured I didn't want to look desperate at the check-out by buying two "self-help" books).  I also ended up buying a dress (questionable as to where or when I will actually wear this dress, but it was really pretty ... and on sale). While I still felt quite low after all of those purchases, I definitely felt better after reading the first 200 pages last night.

Admittedly, I was quite cranky this morning, but I figure it's because I didn't get much sleep - when you spend an entire weekend sleeping because muscle relaxants are a euphemism for tranquilizers and only get 6 hours of sleep, I think you'd be cranky too.  Anyway, work was just a sensory overload for me this morning (however, the teacher and my partner CDS also felt the same way), so it was nice to sit in a quiet Starbucks over lunch and power through another 30 pages.  Unfortunately, that pleasantness only lasted an hour into my afternoon shift ... but coming home to an empty house and powering through the remainder of the book before everyone else got home was especially relaxing.

I need to do more for myself (without spending more money ... I've already gone through the shopping phase quite thoroughly these past few weeks), to feel good about myself.  So tomorrow, an impromptu day trip! If successful, I may write about it tomorrow.  Of course, the weather doesn't seem to be cooperating this evening, so we'll see what happens in the morning I guess! Regardless of if I get out of town or not, I will definitely be doing something.

Til next! Love from the budding Break-up Warrior Princess and soon-to-be SuperFox!

She Can Wound With Her Eyes.

Numb.

Ugh.

I was all set to go out tonight for a friend's birthday, but I can't even keep my eyes open. It's barely even 9 pm and I'm exhausted!

Now, before everyone jumps to the conclusion that I'm an old maid, I'm on a new medication and one of the side effects is drowsiness. I didn't think it would be this bad, but I've already taken an hour long nap and just want to sleep more!

Back story on the meds: I've been having fairly severe back pain for almost 3 months now and I finally decided to see a doctor today because I actually had to stop and rest at work this morning, the pain was excruciating. He prescribed a muscle relaxant and wrote me up a recommendation for massage therapy. 

Well, I'm still in a bit of pain, but my body feels super sluggish and my brain just wants to shut down. Needless to reiterate, I guess, that my plans for drinking and dancing have been completely shot to hell.

Sigh.

Here Comes the Sun.

It was our PD Day today at work, and I very nearly said "Screw it" and ditched going because I got stuck in awful traffic on my way to the office and figured there was no point in showing up during the presentation/workshop.  By some miracle, I still managed to get to the office on time ... okay, so I wouldn't have been that late even if the traffic had held me up a bit longer, but it was still mighty tempting to skip hahaha

Anyway, I'm glad that I got to work on time and stuck around because we had a life coach come in to do the workshop.  I've always been under the impression that a coach would merely be someone who motivates you and helps set you on the path appropriate for you.  It turned out to be so much more than that; it was a lesson in self-awareness and overcoming adversity.  We touched on how to dissect our own feelings and problems and how to move forward from there through a bunch of awareness and empowerment techniques.  By extension, these techniques could be used to aid us in the work that we do with children and

It was really quite a substantial.

As I've been in a bit of a funk lately, I figured with the lessons I learned today, this entry would be an exercise in positivity.

1) I felt really pretty today ... my hair cooperated and lay straight, my hand was steady enough this morning to make nice lines on each of my eyelids, and my mascara wasn't clumpy at all :)

2) I was rocking my gold pants today.  I worried I couldn't pull them off, but I'm actually quite happy with how they looked with my outfit.

3) I got to have lunch with two of the ladies I worked with last year and it was a lot of fun catching up, gossiping, and just being able to connect.  They still work at the preschool I was at last year, whereas I'm all over the city with the schools I work at this year.  Working through a private agency, I don't get to connect with the staff at these preschools as well as I did last year when I was only at the one preschool.  Not to mention, this agency only has PD Days every two months so it's difficult to make friends with the other staff as we very seldom see each other.  It makes for a bit of a lonely life, to be honest, so it was really nice to connect with familiar faces again.

4) I'm going to paint my nails today and perhaps play around with my new dotter set or manicure tape.

5) I've started a new scrapbook. I haven't scrapped since the summer, so I'm looking forward to releasing some creative energy.

I miss you quite terribly.

We Have Changed, but We're Still the Same.

I had to pay a visit to my Alma mater this afternoon to get some things sorted out. (It's still strange that I can refer to that place as my Alma mater.) I figured I'd take the chance to catch up with friends. Unfortunately, the usual suspects had work, class, or just didn't respond, but I did get to catch up with two people I haven't seen in months.

It's amazing when you can find sympathy, similarity, and solace in the most unexpected of places.  (How was that for alliteration?) I was lucky to have met up with this friend today. We've never been super compatible, but I've usually been one of his confidants in the past. Today surprised me and found us switching roles a little bit. I found a maturity and insight that's never been there before.  Being in a relationship for three years has definitely changed him in a million ways, especially considering all the complications they've had along the way.

In any case, it was refreshing to hear such a different perspective from the ones I'm used to. I'm impressed. I'm also amazed at how easy the discourse was ... then again, he's one to never stop.

You've come a long way, CK.

Je me souviens.

I remember everything.

I remember faces, names, details.  There are people that I was in the same Grade 3 class who have no idea who the hell I am anymore, but I still remember their names and certain details about them, like their favourite hobby or the shirt that they wore most.  I remember birthdays, anniversaries, phone numbers (although, my penchant for numbers is leaving me with my increasing reliance on my phone, and the fact most of my friends are in a different area code).  Most of all, I remember things people tell me about them - stories from their past, a recent encounter with an ex, a funny situation they found themselves in, the thing that made them cry last.

Of course, I can't even remember what I had for breakfast, what I wore yesterday or the day before that, and I'm horrible at history.  I guess it all had to balance out somewhere.

Some people may think my ability to remember these things is a gift, and it is, but it also comes with a price.  I find I get bored easily and, in a way, lose the drive to continue a conversation.  So while I am a laconic person in general, this taciturnity increases exponentially because I internally roll my eyes and temporarily lose attention if I've heard something before.

Maybe I expect too much.  Well, not maybe, I do.  I expect my conversational partners to remember things that they've told me before and to only tell me novel and interesting things.  Most of the time I respond with a terse "Mmhmm" or "Right" or tell the person straight out that they've told me already.  It's a terrible habit and makes me an awful person to continue a conversation with.

Sometimes I let people retell the story, even if I remember every detail from the last time.  Maybe I should do that more often.  Perhaps there's some minute detail I missed in the last recounting of their tale, or maybe I've experienced something during the intermediate that allows me to offer insight I wasn't able to before.  Perhaps it would have helped save my last relationship.  I let myself get bored, I let myself get too angry, I let myself close off.

I'm a lady of few words, especially those verbally spoken.  While, it's my nature to be introverted, my lack of speech also comes from my extensive memory of conversations past and attention to details.

I remember everything. 

It's both a gift and a curse.

Taking Shortcuts and False Solutions.

Hopeful. Hopeless. Moving on. Letting go. Rewind. Falling back. Take a breath. Leave me alone. Stay with me. Crash. Fall apart. Crack. Heal. Cry a little. Get angry. Calm. Breaking down. Confidence. Self-doubt. Fighter. Wave the white flag. Snoop. Stop. Go. Move? Stay. Strengthen resolve. Give up. It's for the better. Why does it happen like this? It's not okay. Fight back, fight back, fight back. Get annoyed. Distractions. Disappear for a while. Lose yourself in words. Read. Write. Cry. Scream. Laugh. High heels. Dinner. Dreaming. Adventure? Wishful thinking. Stress, stress, stress. Sleep away the afternoon. Paper work. Oops. Coffee-addiction returns. Doubt, doubt, doubt. Uncertainty. Smile. Be yourself. But it's hard. Love me. Love yourself. Talk. Listen. Try again. Work hard. Stay true. Laugh. Fall apart. Stand up. Dance. Sing. Write. Keep Smiling. Live. /end

It Don't Break Even.

Hello hello,

I know entries have been slightly scarce from me lately and I've had to resort to music blogs, but I simply cannot bring myself to write a cohesive entry as I am desperately lacking cohesive thought.

1) Grad school applications are ... coming along to say the least.  I submitted my first one just last weekend actually.  My next one isn't due for another three weeks, but I figure I'll be getting on it within this week.  Of course, once you've written up one application, you've written them all.  Just need to modify my Statement of Purpose to each specific school.  Not a huge deal.

Aside from applications to various Communication Sciences and Disorders and Speech-Language Pathology programs across the US, I'm also applying to the Masters of Education program here at home.  Unfortunately, the discipline that I wanted to apply for is currently running and so will not be offered for the upcoming session, but I have narrowed it down to two disciplines that I would like to take.  I need to decide which to apply for, unless I apply for both I suppose.  Increase my chances a bit.  As much as I hope to get into a CSD or SLP program, I figure I would really enjoy doing an MEd, particularly in the disciplines I've chosen.

2) My little brother, who I suppose is not so little anymore turned 19 on Friday.  I feel like he just turned 16 last year! In any case, my mom and I brought lunch into his "school" (he attends a vocational program for adults with special needs, but for simplicity's sake, we all refer to it as school) for lunch on Friday.  It was nice to meet a few of the other participants in the program and their staff. 

Last night we went for dinner.  The original plan was Montana's, unfortunately the wait for a table was ridiculous so we ended up at Swiss Chalet.  Never again.  Ugh.  The service was great, the food was awful.  I don't even know what else to say.  Just ... never again.  I guess it explains why the place was probably only half-full at most.  As for the general demographic of diners ... I'm really not surprised.  haha!

3) I know that thick, "natural" eyebrows are the "in" thing right now, but there's a difference between thick and natural (excuse me as my immature brain giggles unyieldingly), and an ungroomed, hot mess.  Clean it up, darling.

This point, I know, is superficial, and I have no excuses to provide!

4) Golden Globes were on tonight.  While the GGs have never been my favourite award show, it just could not hold my attention at all! Even the red carpet coverage was sorely lacking - I can't believe how many times I didn't like a dress.  Usually I'm "ooh"-ing and "ahh"-ing, but this year I just wasn't impressed nearly as much.  A lot of the fashion was blah at best.  Stand-outs were Michelle Dockery, Halle Berry, and all the gowns that Tina Fey wore while hosting, especially the blue halter-ish number she wore at the beginning of the show.  I was expecting more, so I'm definitely disappointed; hopefully the Oscars don't disappoint me too!

5) Downton Abbey tonight - fabulous.  Lots of giggles to be had, and lots of swooning over Dan Stevens.  Yum.  haha :)

 Well ... I think that sums up this weekend.  Granted, it wasn't my entire week(end), but I hope there was enough detail in there to make up for my lack of substantial posts.

Text block blogging coming up soon! (I haven't done one of those for a while, but I think it's the only way I can sum up all of my thoughts without actually having to apply syntax to them.)

Better off When I Hit the Bottom.

Hold Your Breath and Fall Apart.

I've been in strange moods for the past few days.  As usual, I've got a song that matches the mood.  This song has been on repeat in my car during my commutes quite often (I'll let the album play, but once I get to this song I hit the repeat mode).  Anyway, I've mentioned in previous posts that Esthero is my favourite female artist, and her first album in seven years was released just a few months ago.  I received my signed copy of it in the mail just last week.

This is hands down my favourite song on the album, unfortunately, the video below was the only one I was able to find of it.  The album features Jonah Johnson, but this version has the talented Ron Sexsmith.  The audience makes it a little tricky to hear the actual song though.  I recommend taking a listen to the studio version here. (You do have to create an account, which is kind of a pain, but totally worth it.)

I think I've rambled enough ... so without further ado, Crash - Esthero ft. Ron Sexsmith.

Crashed down on the floor,

Hold your breath and fall apart.

You made a simple mistake,

And now you're paying for it with your heart.

Some of us make our own beds,

But we can't afford to lay in them.

Remember I always have said you should leave me alone ...

'Cause I don't wanna crash now,

I'm afraid that I'm going nowhere way too fast.

And I can't hear what you say,

I'm in a conversation with my past.

Well maybe, I wasn't that brave,

So much as brazen, but it got me through.

And somehow the path that I paved

Just keeps leading me to you.

But I don't wanna crash now.

I don't wanna crash now.

I shoulda never been afraid to lay you down,

I just wanna hold you in my arms again,

If only for a moment I could have you here,

Lady, I would never let you go,

But I don't wanna crash now.

I don't wanna crash now.

Come on in the sun,

When you're scared, then face it down,

'Cause here I am in your love ...

Keep facing the sun, you'll reach it one day.

Baby don't look back til you get what you need,

And you need to be free.

And when the sun goes down,

There's still tomorrow,

Don't be afraid to let your sorrow breathe.

Your strength is all you need.

Did you ever know you were the one?

'Cause I could hardly even tell ...

Stress Me Out.

Grad school applications = streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessful.

I don't even know how many times I have tried to upload a copy of my transcripts to the application website for one of the schools and it won't take!

Ughh ... I'm losing my mind!

Just Rip Out My Heart and Crush It.

I shall never be happy with anyone else as long as you walk the earth.

- Matthew Crawley (Downton Abbey 03x01)

While I do enjoy several tv series, Downton Abbey is the only one with the ability to make me laugh, cry, and gasp all in one episode (most shows can only get 2/3 reactions from me).  In any case, I was ecstatic to learn that North America was finally getting to view season 3 on television, and promptly glued myself to my seat for an uninterrupted 2 hours for the premiere this evening.

I have always seen Mary as the ultimate entitled bitch, but I cannot deny how hard I ship her with Matthew.  I also cannot deny my insane attraction for him, but that's another story entirely.  Anyway, I really can't even describe how the above quote made me feel.  It was perfection delivered in less than 5 seconds.

Damn those Brits for making such incredible television.

If you've never seen Downton Abbey, I must insist that you get on it immediately. :)

Lack of Passion is Fatal.

Chemistry between two people is something that cannot be forced.  It's the natural flow of things between two personalities striving in togetherness; it's the product of a mutual attraction.  Everything is simple and feels normal, right: the careless banter, physical closeness, a certain sense of comfort.  Chemistry is achieving that harmony without actually putting a ton of effort in.

It's what you do with that chemistry, however, that determines where the relationship goes.  It can be great or it can fall devastatingly flat.  After all, chemistry can only be so much of a relationship.  Good friends will always have good chemistry.  Lovers, on the other hand, have something more.

There's a certain passion attached to being in love: a passion to be with the other person, to make that person happy, to make it last.  Passion isn't as naturally-occurring as chemistry, however.  Passion arises from the desire to make the chemistry withstand time, tribulations, distance.  With passion comes effort and with effort the relationship achieves greatness.

I guess it's why relationships between people with amazing chemistry between them don't always work out.

Chemistry doesn't break your heart.  Passion and the lack thereof does.

Stupid Girl.

I messed up.  This time there is nobody to blame but myself. Evidently, I cannot just leave well enough alone.  In this case, it was more than well enough - it was great.  Not just good, great.

And I had to go and ruin it.

Ugh.

I'm not sad, just angry.