I Just Can't Let You Have the Rest of Me.

I desperately feel the need to cry, but no tears are actually forming, let alone falling.  I guess it's because I know that I can't waste anymore tears on people who a) don't really care how much they affect me, b) don't understand and don't even try to understand my sensitive nature, and c) act as if my opinion/needs/actions/attempts don't matter.

My relationship with my father has never been great.  As a child, he was constantly berating me for wanting to dance, play an instrument, and write rather than doing karate, being good at a "traditional sport", and exceling in math or science.  It was always an issue of "I want to be able to tell my friends that my daughter can do everything their sons can do" and "I wantto be able to brag about you" Evidently being a girl and doing things that I was actually good at and wanted to do wasn't ever good enough.  Even to this day, he's always dropping lines like "You should go to law school" or "Why don't you go be a doctor?" because aspiring to do Speech-Language Pathology or anything to do with special needs isn't a high enough goal.

Now you know the reason why I've struggled with my self-esteem and why my social life most often takes the hit because I try so hard to do something "right" in my dad's eyes -he'd prefer if I stayed home all the damn time and do housework.

He hasn't spoken to me for almost 2 weeks now because I neglected one bit of housework. He won't even acknowledge my presence, even if I greet him the moment i walk through the door after coming home from work or dance or wherever - that's if he's even on the main floor of the house, he's usually holed up in his room when I get home.  He's stopped eating dinner with the family and has started going to bed earlier so he doesn't have to see me at all.  The last time he gave me the silent treatment, which was actually less than a month ago, I figured I'd try to ingratiate myself and say 'good night' before I went up, the look he gave me was so full of malice I had to cry afterwards.  No child should ever see that look from one of their parents.

Frankly, it pisses me off, but at the same time it sucks and it hurts.

Every child aims to make their parents proud, I have honestly never achieved that; at least not where my ather is concerned.  But for him to be so petty and act so childish just grates on me, and it's the reason that I will likely be out of my parents' house by the end of the summer.

Anyway, the other person I feel the need to cry over, but can't? Just one look and that's all it takes.  It was a look I've seen given to people that have really crossed the line.  Yet another person I never ever thought I would receive that malignant look from, but I did.  I will admit I was in the wrong, but that is a look I'll never forget, one I really don't think I deserved despite my wrong-doing.  It was a simple joke, but I got burned.

No tears here, which is surprising, but maybe I'm just done.  I'm fed up with crying over people who don't treat me appropriately.  I'm over being visibly sad about things these people have done.  I'm realizing that I am good enough and if that's not enough for them, then screw them.

I mean, I'm still sad - and that comes with the territory of being depressed, but I won't cry anymore.  I can't.

I do have to say I am quite impressed that I am not more sad considering today's date - I know, I know, it seems like nearly every day has significance as I always seem to write posts complaining about certain dates.  I guess it means I'm on the right track though - this date holds a huge amount of significance, like epic proportions of significance, and the fact that I'm not that sad is a huge deal, so pardon me as I say that I am super proud of myself.

I just unloaded a lot of personal things onto here, I hope I didn't scare anyone off, but maybe my readers feel like they know me a little bit better :)

Recommended Listening: You Don't Get a song - Esthero

Makes Me Wonder.

So unimpressed right now.

Actually.

I can't even explain how unimpressed I am.

Redundant post is redundant, but necessary.

(Evidently, irony is not lost either)

Ugh.

I Cannot Carry the Weight of the Heavy World.

Apologies for the lack of posts lately.  I find myself in a place where I can't muster up the energy to actually do something productive with my emotions.

The truth is, I just don't want to exist anymore.

That's not to say I want to die, because I don't.  I just want to disappear into a cloud of dust and reappear when it can be guaranteed life is done screwing me over.

If I didn't have responsibilities, I would sink into the dark oblivion that sleep provides and attempt to stay there forever.  I know it sounds dramatic, but I really would like to sleep forever right now.  I'm so sick of feeling this way.

(Despite my lack of will-power, I am currently drafting an actual post, another one of my exercises in creativity type posts.  Hopefully it'll be up by the weekend.)

Recommended listening: Good Night, Good Night - Maroon 5

This is the Last.

I kept waiting on a reason
And a call that never came
No, I never saw it coming
Something in you must have changed

All the words unspoken, promises broken
I cried for so long
Wasted too much time, should've seen the signs
Now I know just what went wrong

I guess I wanted you more
And looking back now, I'm sure
I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

All the nights we spent just talking
Of the things we wanted out of life
Making plans and dreams together
Wish I'd seen, I was just too blind

My heart was open, exposed and hoping
For you to lay it on the line
In the end it seemed
There was no room for me
Still, I tried to change your mind

I guess I wanted you more
And looking back now, I'm sure
I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

Oh, I don't need you
I don't need you anymore

I guess I wanted you more
And looking back now, I'm sure
I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

I don't need you
I don't need you anymore

It's Just Over.

The sky is not fallin'
The sun is still shinin'
And all of the fishes are still in the sea
My mama's still callin'
The bills are still piling
My heart may be broken but I hold the pieces, pieces...

Had a mate to my soul, but I haven't lost all hope
It's not the end of the world...
It's just over.

Through tears I'm still smiling
My life's not decided
I can go anywhere I want to go
Your ghost is still creeping
There's more room for sleeping
I may be over you, you'll never know, know

Had a mate to my soul, but I haven't lost all hope
It's not the end of the world...
It's just over... over, over, over

Had a mate to my soul, but I haven't lost all hope
It's not the end of the world,
It's just over, over, over