I Just Can't Let You Have the Rest of Me.

I desperately feel the need to cry, but no tears are actually forming, let alone falling.  I guess it's because I know that I can't waste anymore tears on people who a) don't really care how much they affect me, b) don't understand and don't even try to understand my sensitive nature, and c) act as if my opinion/needs/actions/attempts don't matter.

My relationship with my father has never been great.  As a child, he was constantly berating me for wanting to dance, play an instrument, and write rather than doing karate, being good at a "traditional sport", and exceling in math or science.  It was always an issue of "I want to be able to tell my friends that my daughter can do everything their sons can do" and "I wantto be able to brag about you" Evidently being a girl and doing things that I was actually good at and wanted to do wasn't ever good enough.  Even to this day, he's always dropping lines like "You should go to law school" or "Why don't you go be a doctor?" because aspiring to do Speech-Language Pathology or anything to do with special needs isn't a high enough goal.

Now you know the reason why I've struggled with my self-esteem and why my social life most often takes the hit because I try so hard to do something "right" in my dad's eyes -he'd prefer if I stayed home all the damn time and do housework.

He hasn't spoken to me for almost 2 weeks now because I neglected one bit of housework. He won't even acknowledge my presence, even if I greet him the moment i walk through the door after coming home from work or dance or wherever - that's if he's even on the main floor of the house, he's usually holed up in his room when I get home.  He's stopped eating dinner with the family and has started going to bed earlier so he doesn't have to see me at all.  The last time he gave me the silent treatment, which was actually less than a month ago, I figured I'd try to ingratiate myself and say 'good night' before I went up, the look he gave me was so full of malice I had to cry afterwards.  No child should ever see that look from one of their parents.

Frankly, it pisses me off, but at the same time it sucks and it hurts.

Every child aims to make their parents proud, I have honestly never achieved that; at least not where my ather is concerned.  But for him to be so petty and act so childish just grates on me, and it's the reason that I will likely be out of my parents' house by the end of the summer.

Anyway, the other person I feel the need to cry over, but can't? Just one look and that's all it takes.  It was a look I've seen given to people that have really crossed the line.  Yet another person I never ever thought I would receive that malignant look from, but I did.  I will admit I was in the wrong, but that is a look I'll never forget, one I really don't think I deserved despite my wrong-doing.  It was a simple joke, but I got burned.

No tears here, which is surprising, but maybe I'm just done.  I'm fed up with crying over people who don't treat me appropriately.  I'm over being visibly sad about things these people have done.  I'm realizing that I am good enough and if that's not enough for them, then screw them.

I mean, I'm still sad - and that comes with the territory of being depressed, but I won't cry anymore.  I can't.

I do have to say I am quite impressed that I am not more sad considering today's date - I know, I know, it seems like nearly every day has significance as I always seem to write posts complaining about certain dates.  I guess it means I'm on the right track though - this date holds a huge amount of significance, like epic proportions of significance, and the fact that I'm not that sad is a huge deal, so pardon me as I say that I am super proud of myself.

I just unloaded a lot of personal things onto here, I hope I didn't scare anyone off, but maybe my readers feel like they know me a little bit better :)

Recommended Listening: You Don't Get a song - Esthero

Makes Me Wonder.

So unimpressed right now.

Actually.

I can't even explain how unimpressed I am.

Redundant post is redundant, but necessary.

(Evidently, irony is not lost either)

Ugh.

I Cannot Carry the Weight of the Heavy World.

Apologies for the lack of posts lately.  I find myself in a place where I can't muster up the energy to actually do something productive with my emotions.

The truth is, I just don't want to exist anymore.

That's not to say I want to die, because I don't.  I just want to disappear into a cloud of dust and reappear when it can be guaranteed life is done screwing me over.

If I didn't have responsibilities, I would sink into the dark oblivion that sleep provides and attempt to stay there forever.  I know it sounds dramatic, but I really would like to sleep forever right now.  I'm so sick of feeling this way.

(Despite my lack of will-power, I am currently drafting an actual post, another one of my exercises in creativity type posts.  Hopefully it'll be up by the weekend.)

Recommended listening: Good Night, Good Night - Maroon 5

This is the Last.

I kept waiting on a reason
And a call that never came
No, I never saw it coming
Something in you must have changed

All the words unspoken, promises broken
I cried for so long
Wasted too much time, should've seen the signs
Now I know just what went wrong

I guess I wanted you more
And looking back now, I'm sure
I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

All the nights we spent just talking
Of the things we wanted out of life
Making plans and dreams together
Wish I'd seen, I was just too blind

My heart was open, exposed and hoping
For you to lay it on the line
In the end it seemed
There was no room for me
Still, I tried to change your mind

I guess I wanted you more
And looking back now, I'm sure
I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

Oh, I don't need you
I don't need you anymore

I guess I wanted you more
And looking back now, I'm sure
I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

I don't need you
I don't need you anymore

It's Just Over.

The sky is not fallin'
The sun is still shinin'
And all of the fishes are still in the sea
My mama's still callin'
The bills are still piling
My heart may be broken but I hold the pieces, pieces...

Had a mate to my soul, but I haven't lost all hope
It's not the end of the world...
It's just over.

Through tears I'm still smiling
My life's not decided
I can go anywhere I want to go
Your ghost is still creeping
There's more room for sleeping
I may be over you, you'll never know, know

Had a mate to my soul, but I haven't lost all hope
It's not the end of the world...
It's just over... over, over, over

Had a mate to my soul, but I haven't lost all hope
It's not the end of the world,
It's just over, over, over

I've Spent Most of My Life Deep Down Inside Myself.

This. 

That post is everything I have ever wanted to say about my depression and more.  If you've never heard of Hyperbole and a Half before, I recommend it; Allie's blog is hilarious!  I could only wish for half of her eloquence and comedic talent.

Anyway, I hope I find my shriveled up piece of corn soon too.

I'll Never Be The Same.

You're standing on a bridge overlooking the river.  As you stare into the oddly aquamarine depths, you wonder how far down the river bed lies.  Just a few meters up, you see a span of earth beneath the surface of the water and estimate that it would be waist-high at the most.

As you lose your heart and your world comes to a complete halt, you idly wonder how long it would take to reach that mound of river bed from the area just below where you're standing, considering the currents and your lack of swimming ability.

You have the urge to jump: not to die, just to feel.

There's an empty space where your heart once resided; no pain, but it's an unbearable sensation - nothing you've ever experienced before.  Jumping would give you freedom, if only for a few minutes.  It would allow you to feel something different, even temporarily:  the cool water in relief of the unseasonal heat, the rush of the free fall, the resistance of the water as you moved against it, adrenaline pumping through your veins, assuring you that despite a lack of beating in your chest, you are indeed still living.

As tempting as it is, you don't jump.  It would be pretty dumb considering the currents and your lack of swimming ability.  Besides, you don't have a change of clothes, and it would be pretty humiliating if you belly flopped having never dived from anything in your life.  No, as much of a rush and relief it would be to jump into the rippling river below, there are other ways to feel again, even if it takes a while to get there.

All the Things I've Felt, But Never Really Shown.

[sigh]

I think I just triggered myself.

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We Only Said Goodbye with Words.

Every "Until Next Time" Feels Like One Bad Punch Line.

I'm exhausted, but every time I turn out the light, close my eyes, and try to fall asleep my mind becomes inondated by thoughts and memories and the accompanying feelings.  Each time I'm about to finally drift off, I'm overwhelmed, regardless of how I try to prevent my mind from turning to those figments.

It's no secret (anymore, at least) that I do suffer from a form of depression.  There are days where I'm sad for no apparent reason and am completely unable to pull myself from the pit despite all my intentions and attempts to do so.  The key component, however, is that whenever I am in one of those depressive phases, it's usually affecting my self-esteem and perspective of self.  Today is different.

This week is different.

This state I'm in doesn't have me berating myself or reevaluating my outlook on my prospective future.  Rather, I'm in some state of mourning.  It's been an entire year since my life changed completely.  365 days since my world was flipped sideways and counter-rotated.  While I do count a number of gains in the past year, I lost most of the things that truly mattered, the things I cherished above all else.

Unfortunately, today also marks a year of having my feelings dismissed, mostly unintentionally.  Grief makes people uncomfortable and unwilling to address it.  I understand that aspect: it's difficult to console someone, especially if you are unable to relate to what they are going through.  I guess the aspect that is a little harder to comprehend is telling someone "Just forget him. You deserve better anyway. You'll be fine."

It's dismissive and presumptuous.

I've discussed this a lot in previous entries, I'm the type who internalizes everything and I know I'm not the only one.  That isn't to say that we "internalizers" don't want people asking how we feel or what we think.  In my case, I often feel like I'm a nuisance if I merely call someone up just to talk about my emotions.  (I'm in therapy now for this, but that's an entirely different story).  A year ago, nobody really asked how I was doing, they just dismissed.  Assumed I would bounce back and stand up on my own within a few weeks.  Assumed that I could forget [intense] feelings I'd had for years. Assumed that by telling me I deserved better that I would simply believe it and move on.

I could have, should have, spoken up and corrected those assumptions, but I didn't so there is fault on myself too.  I also think I was so numb to everything around me that I didn't notice all that much that people weren't asking, just telling.

Alas, retrospect is 20/20 after all.

I digress.  Back to the main point, I can't sleep because my mind is racing and reminding me of everything that's happened in the last year and a half, and I need to be up for work in less than five hours.  It's funny, in a weird way, that I'm more depressed now than I was immediately after the break-up.  I think back then I just didn't feel anything, and in fact, I really didn't let myself feel anything.  I threw myself into work and literally worked myself to exhaustion.  This year, I have way more time on my hands - more time to myself.  Unfortunately for me, this means more time to think and settle into these sad feelings.  Since I've started therapy, I have gotten better at not thinking myself into bad moods, but there is still the aspect of merely waking up some mornings and feeling depressed for no apparent reason - those phases are the ones I can't pull myself out of by changing my trainof thought.

I'm sure I can pull myself out of this hole ... just not tonight.  I think my exhaustion is just hampering my will-power.  Not to mention, this date in general is one huge trigger.  In a few days, I hope to be fine; I mean, I'd been having one of my good phases for about a week, so hopefully I can pick myself up in the next few days.

As much as I wish circumstances were different, the reality is they're not, so I've no choice but to adapt and try to feel better.  To paraphase from a previous entry of mine (see: We Got Knocked Off Course By a Natural Force), I'm still in deep water, but I'm learning to tread it - and I'm also learning how to depend on my friends more to talk about my feelings and burdens.

(I apologize for any typos)

Recommended listening (blog entry title taken from): "Don't Want an Ending" - Sam Tsui