I Am So Lonely.

I'm loving Mexico, especially the food and weather, but I am terribly homesick because I left a huge part of me at home. Between the differences in schedule (time zone is the same amazingly) and the ridiculously slow internet speeds or even lack of connection at times from my end, it's making this so much more difficult and frustrating.

I've never been one to really proclaim how I feel, especially when it comes to missing someone, in the public forum. I usually find it awfully saccharine and tacky when others do it, but I find I need to this time around. I left my heart at home and the void is starting to get to me.

You're the Universe to Me.

Who gives a fuck about your first love? Give a big round of applause for your second love because they taught you love still exists after you thought it never could again.

So here's to the one that I'm truly getting to experience "nothing ever comes easy, but it's worth it" with.  The one who can piss me off like no one else, but make me smile the next second.  The one who gives me a vision to look forward to.  The one who accepts me even at my absolute grouchiest ogre-ish moments.  The one who truly keeps me grounded.  The one who takes care of me.  The one who understands my stupid little quirks.  The one who completely obliterated the walls I put up and stole my heart even when it was still in pieces.

There Is No Fear Now.

I'll take your bad days with your good,

Walk through the storm,

I would do it all because I love you.

We Are Waiting as Our Dreams Turn to Colour.

21 was a train wreck.  I think I've written to death just how much 21 sucked for me.  Rejection from grad schools, heartbreak, and losing the job that I absolutely loved.

22 was about overcoming obstacles, rebuilding, conquering my demons, learning to love myself, and learning how to truly be happy. 

You all know I could go on forever about the past two years, but I won't simply because it's already been written out and posted for the world to see as it happened.  I'm not entirely where I want to be, but I've come a damn far way from where I was.  I'm embracing my life as it comes, weathering my storms stronger than I ever have, and enjoying the sunshine more than I did before.

So here's to 23.  Here's to remaining on the upswing, fully championing all my inner demons, building a life I can be proud of when I look back on my life when I'm old and grey, being happy.

Close Your Eyes, Hope That Nothing Gets Through.

There will come a point where I'll need to ask myself why I keep doing this. Loving people - friends, boyfriends, family members - who don't completely get me seems to be a permanent forte of mine.

I Am Only Human.

I am going to lose my mind.

That is, if I even had a mind to lose to begin with!

Between family, work, and school I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.  Frankly, this is hell week in terms of deadlines for everything, so once this week is done, everything will even out again.  Just gotta power through I suppose!

Anyway ... just a quickie for today because it's been a while and I just needed to express how overwhelmed I am.

Blaaaah ...

Hopefully a more substantial/entertaining post soon.

Fortune Teller Said I'd Be Free.

I caught you burnin' photographs
Like that could save you from your past
History is like gravity
It holds you down away from me
You and me, we've both got sins
I don't care about where you've been
Don't be sad and don't explain
This is where we start again
Start again

These Dreams Go On When I Close My Eyes.

Pros:

Finding potential places to live fairly easily. Back working with people I love and in an environment that is a great fit. Sunshine. Heat. Open communication. Strong feelings. Meeting great people. Coffee. Cute children at work. Laughter. Teasing banter. Carefree. Expressing creativity. Certainty. Responsibility. Hope. Fun. Dance. Support. Temporary happiness. Success. Feeling appreciated and accomplished.

Cons:

Mom rushed to ER. Boyfriend sick therefore tired therefore cranky therefore anti-social. Friends out of town for work, school, vacation. Don't want to be a bother by texting. Misunderstandings. Closed communication. Strong feelings. Leaving. Tears. Guilt. Worry. Overthinking. Wondering. Questioning. What if. Coffee. Doubt. Bad habits. Criticism. Anger. Feeling underestimated. Busy. Schedules. Distance. Guessing. Uncertainty. Responsibility. Stress. Fear. Terror. Helplessness. 

I Don't Want Easy, I Want Crazy.

Been on a total Hunter Hayes binge for the past few days ... so much so that I couldn't actually decide which song I wanted to post, so I'm posting two! :) I hadn't heard "Wanted" for a long time and it had been playing at this diner in Beiseker last weekend and just this past weekend I simply had this urge to listen to it again ... about a hundred times in a row.  Eventually I figured I should branch out a bit and check out some more of his music and found "I Want Crazy" and listened to that about 100 times too, so I figured I'd share in the ear worms!

You know I'd fall apart without you
I don't know how you do what you do
'Cause everything that don't make sense about me
Makes sense when I'm with you

Like everything that's green, girl, I need you
But it's more than one and one makes two
Put aside the math and the logic of it
You gotta know you're wanted too

I don't want just another hug and a kiss goodnight
Catchin' up calls and a date sometimes
I love that we're rebels, and we still believe
We're the kind of crazy people wish that they could be, yeah

It Ain't Right If You Ain't Lost Your Mind.

Upset.  Arguments.  Cheering up.  Term papers.  Caffeine.  Confusion.  Stress.  Caffeine.  Caffeine.  Pigging out.  Passing out.  Zumba.  Strange faces.  Leather.  Broken appliances.  Pissed off.  Disapproving glares.  Arguments.  Arguments.  Arguments.  Tension.  Annoyed.  Irritated.  Fucking crazy.  Light-hearted.  Smiles.  Laughter.  Late nights.  Exhaustion.  Slight inebriation.  Moderate inebriation.  Rambling.  Random.  Open.  Waxing poetic.  Happy.  Happy.  Happy.

Settle the Score.

My words were admittedly not the nicest and they were not forgiving in anyway, but the bigger picture was completely lost.  The main message that was actually intended completely ignored and that was most definitely in my delivery.  However, it doesn't change how I feel.  I won't apologize for having feelings, especially because they are real and true and just as valid as anyone else's emotions.  If that makes me selfish or makes it seem like I don't value people as much as I should, then that is your prerogative to believe it.

Giving Up On You.

Whenever I plan something, I try to make it so that the most people are accommodated.  Whenever I don't plan something, I don't seem to get the same courtesy.  There's a set date and time already, but one friend says they can't make it, so a new date gets chosen.  I can't make the new date, nothing changes.  And it's always that same friend that gets heaven and earth moved for them (it's driving me crazy using the plural pronoun for a singular person, but I'm trying to be sort of objective here) and that just irks me to no end.  Plans change, arrangements for rides and other details are made, people go out of their way for this friend ... 

Always happens.

But strangely, I'm used to it.  It irritates the fuck out of me, but I'm used to it.  I'm used to being blown off.  I'm used to being told I live too far away.  I'm used to being left out of plans entirely.  I'm used to having to be self-reliant in getting anywhere.  I'm used to not getting ride offers.  I'm used to being told that the plans "can't" change if I can't make it.  I'm used to telling people, "It's okay, you guys go have fun.  If that date works better for everyone else, I don't mind."

I shouldn't be used to that.

I shouldn't have to compromise that much.  I shouldn't have to concede so far that it's not even a compromise anymore, that's me giving in entirely.

Makes me re-evaluate all of my friendships entirely.

Can Only Let You Down.

Sleepless. Disappointment. Guilt. Need. Irritation. Frustration. Ridiculous. Unjustified. Unclear. Irrational. Stupid. Compensate? Idea. Impossible. Idea. Potential. Idea. Definite. Idea. Hopefully. Sad. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Faultless. Still sad. Ugh.

Baby Can't Drive.

Today = one terrible trip. It started off well enough, but hit a huge snag halfway.  And by snag, I mean curb. And by hit, I mean hit. Blew out one of my front tires. Or rather, one of my dad's tires as I have to borrow his car for the week. So awful. Had to wait an hour and a half for a tow truck.  I'm fortunate that it's a beautiful day in Calgary so sitting in my car for that long really wasn't terrible.  Got to the tire shop, paid off the tow truck (ouch), and embarked on a long process of trying to find a new tire.  It turns out the ones I currently have on the Matrix have been discontinued, so I was going to have to buy their new version of the tire which cost more than the original.  May I just add that the Matrix is a 2010 model, WHY WOULD THOSE TIRES BE DISCONTINUED ALREADY?! Anyway, I was ready to shell out for it, but the guy helping me was able to track down the exact same tire at one of their suppliers! I could have hugged him. I was nearly about to tell him I would buy all 4 just so I could have them on hand in case I had another blow out (god forbid!), but realized I would have to explain everything to the parentals ... which, in case you couldn't tell, i'm really not too keen on!

Anyway, I'm just waiting on them to call so I can pick up the car, get it home, hope nobody notices the difference, and vow I will never drive anything smaller than an SUV. This week needs to go faster so I can have my Rav back. Blahhhh.

So that's my embarrassing story ... it's especially bad because I drive this route nearly everyday, why would I do something like this now?! Ughhhh. Of course, at least it was just a curb and my tire and not the whole vehicle and another one! Small victories, right? Definitely feeling blessed and fortunate that it was just this minor incident, it could have been a lot worse.

Déjame entrar en tu corazón.

I have an earworm ... I go to Zumba class twice a week, usually, and by far this is my favourite song/routine.  The lyrics, now that I've found them and their proper translations, are good too!

Anyway, I figured it's been a while since I've posted anything - life has been crazy with work, school, and personal things.  I'll hopefully have an actual post within the next few days, but for now, it's my master plan to get this song stuck in everyone else's head too! :)

You Know How to Waste My Time.

Once upon a time I was the one who would walk away from an argument. I would be the one to shut down and stop talking. Now I'm on the other side and actually extremely frustrated.

The truth is, I don't think I can handle this volatility, I'm just not emotionally or mentally capable of it right now. I started using the tag "perils of being crazy" as a joke when I was first being treated for my depression - a way to make light of my situation, I think today might be the first time I'm using this tag in a non-humorous way.  Typically, I'm already in the middle of a break when using the aforementioned tag, today I'm actually on the brink. This situation I find myself in is just so ridiculous and overwhelming - and not in a good way. I'm just so confused and out of sorts in terms of my emotions. I don't know which way is up or down. One minute things are great, the next everything's gone to shit. It's all so very tiring.

While I strongly believe I'm nowhere near a mental breakdown, I'm definitely more in edge now than I've been for at least a month and a half.

I don't even know what to say anymore. I don't even know what to think.

Ugh.

My Friends Are Telling Me I Lost My Mind.

"This could be good, it's already better than that."

But, it could also be a disaster.

My money's on the latter to be honest. All the telltale signs that I'm getting myself into a huge mess are there, and yet against better judgment, I'm throwing caution to the wind and running with it.

(Originally written June 24)

You're Hanging by Fate.

Confused Adrienne is confused.

Snarky Adrienne is a good litmus test.

Procrasinating Adrienne is a productive and organized Adrienne.

Excited Adrienne can't stop looking at her dresses.

Ecstatic Adrienne is anxiously awaiting the weekend.

Nostalgic Adrienne (and procrastinating Adrienne, quite frankly) enjoys looking at old high school pictures.

Annoyed Adrienne drives for an hour looking for a car wash that is not closed due to the water conservation suggestion by the city, and cleans her car.

Irritated Adrienne is on the hunt.

Bored Adrienne results in redundancy and third-person relations.

Come Hell or High Water.

Or both, as the case happens to be.

As exciting as it is to hear that our city has made international news on the big networks and even local ones, it's really quite terrifying how quickly all this flooding has happened - and it's still raining exceptionally hard. Ugh.

(If you haven't heard, google "Calgary flood", half the city is under water)

In any case, I'm done picking up the phone for family members calling to check up on us.  It's really sweet that they've all seen our city on the news and are making sure we're okay, but does my love life have to be addressed every time?

My parents can pick up the phone for the rest of the day, I'm done being put under the microscope haha.

I'm Kicking the Curb.

Just buy me a one-way ticket to Disasterville because I'm a trainwreck.

(That's not the wind, that's my massive sighing as I attempt to pick my self-esteem up off the floor)

Mathematics of My Life.

past + present + simultanaeity = severe conflict of interest

Hmm ...

I Fall By the Wayside.

History has a way of repeating itself quite often in my life.  Same routine, different person.  Maybe I'm calling it too soon, things also have a way of surprising you - right? Maybe this time will be different, after all it is a different person.  Maybe this time I'll be pleasantly surprised.  Maybe this time I won't get played.

Although, this time I'm wiser and a little more resilient.  Of course, I'm also more cautious, but I'll never know unless I try and that involves a little bit of courage and risk-taking.

(Vague entry is vague because I barely even understand it myself.)

Ain't Got the Time.

Anxiety. Anger. Frustration.  Irritation. Annoyance. Exhaustion. Yelling.  Slamming doors. Whiskey fueled ridiculousness.  Sewing spatz.  Panic.  Banter.  Nausea.  Coffee.  Coffee.  Coffee.  Caffeine crash.  Backwards.  Leg day.  Sore like never before.  Still irritation.  Brevity.

I Just Can't Let You Have the Rest of Me.

I desperately feel the need to cry, but no tears are actually forming, let alone falling.  I guess it's because I know that I can't waste anymore tears on people who a) don't really care how much they affect me, b) don't understand and don't even try to understand my sensitive nature, and c) act as if my opinion/needs/actions/attempts don't matter.

My relationship with my father has never been great.  As a child, he was constantly berating me for wanting to dance, play an instrument, and write rather than doing karate, being good at a "traditional sport", and exceling in math or science.  It was always an issue of "I want to be able to tell my friends that my daughter can do everything their sons can do" and "I wantto be able to brag about you" Evidently being a girl and doing things that I was actually good at and wanted to do wasn't ever good enough.  Even to this day, he's always dropping lines like "You should go to law school" or "Why don't you go be a doctor?" because aspiring to do Speech-Language Pathology or anything to do with special needs isn't a high enough goal.

Now you know the reason why I've struggled with my self-esteem and why my social life most often takes the hit because I try so hard to do something "right" in my dad's eyes -he'd prefer if I stayed home all the damn time and do housework.

He hasn't spoken to me for almost 2 weeks now because I neglected one bit of housework. He won't even acknowledge my presence, even if I greet him the moment i walk through the door after coming home from work or dance or wherever - that's if he's even on the main floor of the house, he's usually holed up in his room when I get home.  He's stopped eating dinner with the family and has started going to bed earlier so he doesn't have to see me at all.  The last time he gave me the silent treatment, which was actually less than a month ago, I figured I'd try to ingratiate myself and say 'good night' before I went up, the look he gave me was so full of malice I had to cry afterwards.  No child should ever see that look from one of their parents.

Frankly, it pisses me off, but at the same time it sucks and it hurts.

Every child aims to make their parents proud, I have honestly never achieved that; at least not where my ather is concerned.  But for him to be so petty and act so childish just grates on me, and it's the reason that I will likely be out of my parents' house by the end of the summer.

Anyway, the other person I feel the need to cry over, but can't? Just one look and that's all it takes.  It was a look I've seen given to people that have really crossed the line.  Yet another person I never ever thought I would receive that malignant look from, but I did.  I will admit I was in the wrong, but that is a look I'll never forget, one I really don't think I deserved despite my wrong-doing.  It was a simple joke, but I got burned.

No tears here, which is surprising, but maybe I'm just done.  I'm fed up with crying over people who don't treat me appropriately.  I'm over being visibly sad about things these people have done.  I'm realizing that I am good enough and if that's not enough for them, then screw them.

I mean, I'm still sad - and that comes with the territory of being depressed, but I won't cry anymore.  I can't.

I do have to say I am quite impressed that I am not more sad considering today's date - I know, I know, it seems like nearly every day has significance as I always seem to write posts complaining about certain dates.  I guess it means I'm on the right track though - this date holds a huge amount of significance, like epic proportions of significance, and the fact that I'm not that sad is a huge deal, so pardon me as I say that I am super proud of myself.

I just unloaded a lot of personal things onto here, I hope I didn't scare anyone off, but maybe my readers feel like they know me a little bit better :)

Recommended Listening: You Don't Get a song - Esthero

Makes Me Wonder.

So unimpressed right now.

Actually.

I can't even explain how unimpressed I am.

Redundant post is redundant, but necessary.

(Evidently, irony is not lost either)

Ugh.

I Cannot Carry the Weight of the Heavy World.

Apologies for the lack of posts lately.  I find myself in a place where I can't muster up the energy to actually do something productive with my emotions.

The truth is, I just don't want to exist anymore.

That's not to say I want to die, because I don't.  I just want to disappear into a cloud of dust and reappear when it can be guaranteed life is done screwing me over.

If I didn't have responsibilities, I would sink into the dark oblivion that sleep provides and attempt to stay there forever.  I know it sounds dramatic, but I really would like to sleep forever right now.  I'm so sick of feeling this way.

(Despite my lack of will-power, I am currently drafting an actual post, another one of my exercises in creativity type posts.  Hopefully it'll be up by the weekend.)

Recommended listening: Good Night, Good Night - Maroon 5

This is the Last.

I kept waiting on a reason
And a call that never came
No, I never saw it coming
Something in you must have changed

All the words unspoken, promises broken
I cried for so long
Wasted too much time, should've seen the signs
Now I know just what went wrong

I guess I wanted you more
And looking back now, I'm sure
I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

All the nights we spent just talking
Of the things we wanted out of life
Making plans and dreams together
Wish I'd seen, I was just too blind

My heart was open, exposed and hoping
For you to lay it on the line
In the end it seemed
There was no room for me
Still, I tried to change your mind

I guess I wanted you more
And looking back now, I'm sure
I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

Oh, I don't need you
I don't need you anymore

I guess I wanted you more
And looking back now, I'm sure
I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

I don't need you
I don't need you anymore

It's Just Over.

The sky is not fallin'
The sun is still shinin'
And all of the fishes are still in the sea
My mama's still callin'
The bills are still piling
My heart may be broken but I hold the pieces, pieces...

Had a mate to my soul, but I haven't lost all hope
It's not the end of the world...
It's just over.

Through tears I'm still smiling
My life's not decided
I can go anywhere I want to go
Your ghost is still creeping
There's more room for sleeping
I may be over you, you'll never know, know

Had a mate to my soul, but I haven't lost all hope
It's not the end of the world...
It's just over... over, over, over

Had a mate to my soul, but I haven't lost all hope
It's not the end of the world,
It's just over, over, over

I've Spent Most of My Life Deep Down Inside Myself.

This. 

That post is everything I have ever wanted to say about my depression and more.  If you've never heard of Hyperbole and a Half before, I recommend it; Allie's blog is hilarious!  I could only wish for half of her eloquence and comedic talent.

Anyway, I hope I find my shriveled up piece of corn soon too.

I'll Never Be The Same.

You're standing on a bridge overlooking the river.  As you stare into the oddly aquamarine depths, you wonder how far down the river bed lies.  Just a few meters up, you see a span of earth beneath the surface of the water and estimate that it would be waist-high at the most.

As you lose your heart and your world comes to a complete halt, you idly wonder how long it would take to reach that mound of river bed from the area just below where you're standing, considering the currents and your lack of swimming ability.

You have the urge to jump: not to die, just to feel.

There's an empty space where your heart once resided; no pain, but it's an unbearable sensation - nothing you've ever experienced before.  Jumping would give you freedom, if only for a few minutes.  It would allow you to feel something different, even temporarily:  the cool water in relief of the unseasonal heat, the rush of the free fall, the resistance of the water as you moved against it, adrenaline pumping through your veins, assuring you that despite a lack of beating in your chest, you are indeed still living.

As tempting as it is, you don't jump.  It would be pretty dumb considering the currents and your lack of swimming ability.  Besides, you don't have a change of clothes, and it would be pretty humiliating if you belly flopped having never dived from anything in your life.  No, as much of a rush and relief it would be to jump into the rippling river below, there are other ways to feel again, even if it takes a while to get there.

All the Things I've Felt, But Never Really Shown.

[sigh]

I think I just triggered myself.

eqroobqfiuhdafbbeifhfiyfqrfiqqrfiygcadhfbcaihbfcfqî

We Only Said Goodbye with Words.

Every "Until Next Time" Feels Like One Bad Punch Line.

I'm exhausted, but every time I turn out the light, close my eyes, and try to fall asleep my mind becomes inondated by thoughts and memories and the accompanying feelings.  Each time I'm about to finally drift off, I'm overwhelmed, regardless of how I try to prevent my mind from turning to those figments.

It's no secret (anymore, at least) that I do suffer from a form of depression.  There are days where I'm sad for no apparent reason and am completely unable to pull myself from the pit despite all my intentions and attempts to do so.  The key component, however, is that whenever I am in one of those depressive phases, it's usually affecting my self-esteem and perspective of self.  Today is different.

This week is different.

This state I'm in doesn't have me berating myself or reevaluating my outlook on my prospective future.  Rather, I'm in some state of mourning.  It's been an entire year since my life changed completely.  365 days since my world was flipped sideways and counter-rotated.  While I do count a number of gains in the past year, I lost most of the things that truly mattered, the things I cherished above all else.

Unfortunately, today also marks a year of having my feelings dismissed, mostly unintentionally.  Grief makes people uncomfortable and unwilling to address it.  I understand that aspect: it's difficult to console someone, especially if you are unable to relate to what they are going through.  I guess the aspect that is a little harder to comprehend is telling someone "Just forget him. You deserve better anyway. You'll be fine."

It's dismissive and presumptuous.

I've discussed this a lot in previous entries, I'm the type who internalizes everything and I know I'm not the only one.  That isn't to say that we "internalizers" don't want people asking how we feel or what we think.  In my case, I often feel like I'm a nuisance if I merely call someone up just to talk about my emotions.  (I'm in therapy now for this, but that's an entirely different story).  A year ago, nobody really asked how I was doing, they just dismissed.  Assumed I would bounce back and stand up on my own within a few weeks.  Assumed that I could forget [intense] feelings I'd had for years. Assumed that by telling me I deserved better that I would simply believe it and move on.

I could have, should have, spoken up and corrected those assumptions, but I didn't so there is fault on myself too.  I also think I was so numb to everything around me that I didn't notice all that much that people weren't asking, just telling.

Alas, retrospect is 20/20 after all.

I digress.  Back to the main point, I can't sleep because my mind is racing and reminding me of everything that's happened in the last year and a half, and I need to be up for work in less than five hours.  It's funny, in a weird way, that I'm more depressed now than I was immediately after the break-up.  I think back then I just didn't feel anything, and in fact, I really didn't let myself feel anything.  I threw myself into work and literally worked myself to exhaustion.  This year, I have way more time on my hands - more time to myself.  Unfortunately for me, this means more time to think and settle into these sad feelings.  Since I've started therapy, I have gotten better at not thinking myself into bad moods, but there is still the aspect of merely waking up some mornings and feeling depressed for no apparent reason - those phases are the ones I can't pull myself out of by changing my trainof thought.

I'm sure I can pull myself out of this hole ... just not tonight.  I think my exhaustion is just hampering my will-power.  Not to mention, this date in general is one huge trigger.  In a few days, I hope to be fine; I mean, I'd been having one of my good phases for about a week, so hopefully I can pick myself up in the next few days.

As much as I wish circumstances were different, the reality is they're not, so I've no choice but to adapt and try to feel better.  To paraphase from a previous entry of mine (see: We Got Knocked Off Course By a Natural Force), I'm still in deep water, but I'm learning to tread it - and I'm also learning how to depend on my friends more to talk about my feelings and burdens.

(I apologize for any typos)

Recommended listening (blog entry title taken from): "Don't Want an Ending" - Sam Tsui

It Might Be a Second Too Late.

You give me something
That makes me scared alright
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something
Because someday I might call you from my heart

But it might be a second too late
And the words that I could never say
Are gonna come out anyway.

You give me something
That makes me scared alright
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something.
 
Please give me something,

Because someday I might know my heart ...

You Gotta Get With My Friends.

I've had a week to stew over this comment I received on this entry.  While it seems futile to respond to someone who is under the cover of anonymity and may never actually return to read my blog, I felt I needed to respond.

Anonymous said: Guess that's just a learning experience on you to find better friends.

I wrote that entry out of anger, in the heat of the moment.  And yes, I do admit it does reflect poorly on my friends.  That being said, however, I have wonderful friends, the situation is the undesirable.  Please don't presume because of one angry entry I wrote during one of my depressive phases that I have bad friends.  One entry is not at all indicative of the "goodness" of the personalities I choose to surround myself.

I'm just in a rough stage of my life where situations are complicated and sometimes even the most simple things set me off, and it's really no one's fault.

Your Broken Heart Requires All of My Attention.

Year One.

It feels like it was just yesterday.

Square one.

1 step forward, 365 steps back.

Lonely one.

Resentful towards current, visible romances.

Broken one.

Sad really doesn't begin to cover it.

Only one.

"Afraid nothing can save me but the sound of your voice."

I Don't Deserve to Be This Sad.

After a day of being built up and complimented - and actually believing it and feeling good about yourself, all it takes is one disapproving glare from the right person to send it all crashing down.

I guess I should just accept the fact that I'll only ever be a disappointment to you.  Maybe then I wouldn't be so sad all the time.

You Look so Different, But You Feel the Same.

If any of you hadn't noticed, the majority of my blog titles come from song lyrics; usually the ones I have playing in the background while writing.  Maroon 5, Bruno Mars, Grace Potter and the Nocturnals, and Esthero have been on heavy rotation for me these past few weeks during my commutes.  This song in particular has been on repeat probably 100 times at least just in the last week.

What am I supposed to do to get by?

Did I lose everything I need to survive?

'Cause at 4am, when the sweat sets in

Did you get my message? Did it send?

Or did you just get on with your life?

Oh, I'm taking time to think and

I don't think it's fair for us to

Turn around and say goodbye

I have this feeling when I

Finally find the words to say

But I can't tell you if you turn around

And run away, run away

I Finally Found the Words to Say.

(But I can't tell you if you turn around and run away ...)

Trying a new way of feeling better: going through and finding short stories that I wrote a long time ago (this one was written about a year ago), revamping, and posting.  Flipping the experiences into semi-fiction and taking a look through somebody else's eyes.

Part One of Two? (Maybe three?) right after the jump.

Flawed Design V

I know I'm not the easiest person to be with, by any means.  I'm stubborn, emotional, sensitive, quick to anger, slow to calm, and I don't talk much.  Unfortunately that's become the norm for me.  I used to put the blame on being shy.  In actuality, I'm not all that shy, I'm just so afraid of being turned down or criticized or sounding stupid that the words that are racing a million miles a minute through my brain rarely make it to my lips.

I don't really think anyone realizes just how difficult it is for me to put myself out there.  It may seem a if I am willing to write more about myself and my feelings in my blogs, twitter, whatever, but the truth is, it is just as difficult to write it in public forum as it is to speak it aloud.  Do I find it easier to write? In lots of ways, yes, simply because I can think purposefully of what I am going to say.  I think a lot of people are the same way, for me, however, it's almost crippling.  The amount of time it takes for  me to compose one of these blog entries would surprise a lot of people.  It even takes me at least a few minutes to type out a reply to a simple work e-mail replying to somebody's inquiry of whether or not a certain date works, which for most people, would be an easy "Yes it works" or "No, it doesn't".

The truth is, even sending a quick text to my friends saying 'Hey' is difficult.  Asking them to hang out without any purpose (like a birthday) requires a ton of courage.  Sometimes I become so overwhelmed by the feeling of potentially getting rejected, I don't even bother.  I backspace, hit the home button, and put my phone away.

I guess this is kind of an explanation for how I was feeling yesterday.  My current state of mind has been weighing heavily and everything sets me off in a flurry of emotion, namely anger or sadness.  It's a dichotomy in which I'm tired of existing.  Honestly, I couldn't tell you the last time I was happy - really and truly happy.  It's a sad truth, but it's probably the one absolute in my life.

As much as all those quotes say "You can choose to be happy" or "Bad days are only as bad as you perceive them" and the like, it's not that simple for someone who is battling within themselves.  When someone's brain is just hard-wired to be sad, it's not as easy as "choosing" to have a good day.

I'm just so tired of being this sad.

Musings of an Emotionally Deranged Mind.

"Yeah, I'm not free at all this week, I'm way too busy."

[posts photos of "study food" to instagram]

Ha fucking ha, you're a damn joker, aren't you? I expect the usual excuse of, "It was a spur of the moment thing. I actually was studying and taking a break.  You wouldn't have been free at that time anyway." (Don't even get me started on the previous, not to mention contradictory, excuses of "I study better at home.")

Doesn't matter, at least have some consideration.  I ask for a measly hour of time, just to make me feel better, which in my current state of mind is huge.  I really don't know how difficult "I need my friends now more than ever" is to understand, but damn, apparently it's the most difficult thing to comprehend.

All I'm asking is that if you can't make the commitment to meet me halfway, then at least have some consideration for my feelings and reactions.

Thanks.

(Argh.  So much pent up anger today.  This needs to stop!)

I'm Tired of Proving You Right By Doing Everything So Wrong.

Just received another rejection letter from another school.  Feeling like a total champ right now.  Can we not have a repeat of last year, please? I'd also really appreciate if nothing else went wrong this week, thanks.

Two more hours until I can go stomp the hell out of the floor and call it dance.  I'm gonna need it.

(I was having such a great day today too ... ugh)

Let's Settle the Score.

It's nice that on a day like today (i.e. Semicolon Project 416, a year since that) I'm worth you texting me back ... not.

Ha ha ha fucking ha.

We Got Knocked Off Course By a Natural Force and We'll be Swimming When It's Gone.

"The worst thing is watching someone drown and not being able to convince them that they can save themselves by them that they can save themselves by simply standing up"

This time last year, I was drowning. I was too far out to simply stand up, but I was still close enough that if I had just grabbed onto one of the flotation devices around me, I could have been standing up much sooner. I didn't though. I thought my weight was just that: my own. How could I expect one of these floaters to bear my burden, even just a fraction of it?

There was a tiny voice in my head that kept saying "Go on, reach out." but this was constantly lost amidst the roars of self-pity and misdirected anger. As a result, I found myself further out at sea; flotation devices still within sight, but far enough that I would need to swim to get to them. Unfortunately, in all my hesitation and reluctance, I failed to realize the largest and closest floater was drifting away. The current was taking me further out to sea and the floater to a far away land; its own currents forcing it further away. Soon enough, that floater was very nearly out of sight, and to my dismay, back-to-back storms were quickly approaching.

Despite losing sight of my most likely saviour, I remained diffident to reaching for the other flotation devices. On the contrary, in fact: my hesitation remained, and my belief that my weight was purely my own to bear persisted. All the more I thought I could save myself. I was entirely ignorant of the fact that the currents I was facing were too strong to confront on my own.

During the storms I managed to keep my head above water - but only just so. I persisted, alone, what I did not realize was that I was simply coasting along. I wasn't confronting my problems, merely allowing them to take me away. Each time I thought I had reached a depth where I could stand, it was a falsehood - an illusion. I had drifted too far away and the waters were too deep.

I'm still in deep water now, but I'm learning to tread it. I'm also learning that grabbing onto those flotation devices called friends is okay. Actually, it's more than okay, it's good, and it's encouraged to do so. You can save yourself by learning to swim, but sometimes you need the reprieve - nobody was made weaker or any lesser than they were by admitting they needed a break.

Unfortunately, treading water gets exhausting sometimes, and there are moments when I can't tread - not for lack of wanting to, but because I just can't. The desire to tread is present, but the motivation is missing. Even with the aid of those flotation devices, there is no urgency to keep afloat. Despite being unhappy that my head is very nearly under water, I remain in a stasis, neither sinking nor rising above.

This recent experience of not being able to convince myself to float, in spite of my every desire to do so, has made me reflect that perhaps more is required to get me out of the deep end. Maybe it isn't just an issue of the conceptual mind, but an issue of physiology and chemistry.

In any case, I am still so very far from the shores that I long to be near. There is no doubt that the journey back will be lengthy and tumultuous, but finally beginning to reach out and rely on others will help smooth some of the obstacles, even just a little, throughout the transition. I will stand up again in shallow waters, but for now I will continue to fight to maintain my head above water.

You Always Hated the Way I Live.

Does anyone want to trade lives (and minds)?

I don't want this one anymore.

I'm Strong Enough to Mend.

You're too young to look so sad, dear. Chin up.

I was out today and an older woman I made eye contact with said the aforementioned quote.  All I could really do was give her a small smile and nod in acknowledgement as we continued on our separate ways.  I guess you know it's a really low phase when a complete stranger can tell how down and out you are.

I'm working on it.  It's just really difficult sometimes.

Apologies for the lack of updates.  I'm currently drafting an entry that I've been working on for a week and a half now, it's not quite what I want it to be yet.  Hopefully soon.

Letters of Upset.

Dear You,

I know it's not intentional, and jokes are jokes, but you're being a bit of an insensitive jerk.

From,
Me.

The Only Thing that Keeps Me Wishing.

It's a bit disheartening, but a tad liberating at the same time, when you finally realize someone is likely always going to let you down.

You can hope for the best and wish things to change, but wishing only gets you so far. Besides, too many things have transpired and the situation is so far out of your control for it to ever change. 

That moment you accept this fact breaks your heart that much more, but it's a step in the right direction.  You can't control the other person anymore than you can control the situation.  You can never know what is going through the other person's mind, or what their feeling, or their motivations for why they do what they do. That's life though, isn't it? You never know.

I've been aware that I've been let down over and over for almost a year now, but now I think I finally just get it. I've finally accepted it as the absolute certainty in my life.  I'm going to continue being let down so long as the dynamic of this entire thing remains the same, but I still hope to be proved wrong - for my absolute certainty to not be so absolute.

I may be holding out for a miracle, but I'm not going to hold my breath anymore.

[Edit 10:57 pm: Pleasantly surprised ... still not expecting a lot though]

Harder to Breathe.

Saw Maroon 5 in concert tonight. I just about died seeing Adam Levine in person and literally meters away.

Unfortunately I couldn't even enjoy that high, thanks a friggin lot.

Calm Me Down, Calm Me Down.

Setting the counter back to 0.

I was doing so well for myself, but "all good things must come to an end," and "what goes up, must come down", and what not after all! Unfortunately, what comes down crashes and burns in a horrible way.

5-5-1-1. 5-5-1-1. 5-5-1-1.

Love Can Never Last When You're Flying Up This High.

There's trouble in my lonely old balloon
I let you jump, but maybe you jumped too soon
It's too late for me to turn back now
So, goodbye baby
I'm not ready to follow you down

And yeah, you're gone like the wind and it don't even matter
I fly above it all and watch the world shatter
We had a skydive love affair
Doomed from the very start
So you can throw my love to the wind
I'll just float back to the ground
With my parachute heart

Mama Said Knock You Out.

I don't understand all the tweets and status updates on my various social media feeds complaining about the snow, asking why Mother Nature is torturing us or if Mother Nature has a problem with us.  We live in Calgary and it's March, we're bound to get snow and lots of it.  At least it's not cold.

And honestly? We've been pretty damn lucky so far this winter; huge snowfall is part of living in this city.  Don't like it? Then why'd you bother moving here in the first place?

You're Such a Hard Act for Me to Follow.

 A case of the Mondays hit me pretty hard on, you guessed it, Monday.  My morning went reasonably well, as did my lunch meeting with some of my co-workers, my "supervisor", and our HR administrator, but then it all went a bit downhill with me locking my keys in my car just as the worst of the cold and snowy weather hit.  I don't even know how I was able to function that afternoon, my mind was in a total fog.

Humor filled my Tuesday - please refer to my prior entry about it, as I'm too lazy to describe it again.

Wednesday was overall a bit of a drag ... I was exhausted in the morning, feeling pretty decent by noon, felt really good about myself and successful, and then I had one of my appointments and it just wrecked my mood.

Success found me on Thursday at dance class: after about two months of learning the Highland Fling for tap, I finally got through the entire combo without messing up and without my knees starting to hurt.  Of course, my thighs and calves burned and I was exhausted at the end of the hour, but it was so worth it.  No pain, no gain after all! Thursday also found me buying 10 boxes of pizza pops from Sobeys and being laughed at by the cashier and the bagger-dude.  And before you ask, no, the pizza pops were not for me ... alright, 4 of them were.  They were half off and my uncle loves them, so we figured we'd stock up for him.  Anyway, it was right after dance class, my hair was in the messiest bun ever, I was in my work-out clothes, and looked like a hot mess.  Add that to buying 10 boxes of pizza pops and two bottles of this juice/smoothie thing that I've recently found myself addicted to, and it looked like I was some stressed out university freshman.  (Except that during my first year of university I was loath to even let myself out of the house without make-up and a pair of jeans on.  Starving university bum chic? Not for me)

Anyway, I digress ...

Today was busy, running around town and doing errands, having dinner out with my mom, brother, aunt, and uncle because my aunt and uncle wanted to treat my mom for her birthday which is tomorrow.  Despite my exhaustion, I ended up playing Just Dance 3 and 4 with my brother for an hour, then solo for another hour.  Needless to say, I'm more than exhausted now, and it's not even 9:30.

I'm probably going to head to bed soon ... aw yes, I know, I'm a badass: going to bed early on a Friday night.

(That's actually kind of depressing ... I'm going to try and not dwell on the fact)

Til next!

Trouble in the Friendly Skies Tonight.

Honesty is the best policy. Well, it used to be, at least. Now I find myself hard pressed to get any truthfulness out of certain people. Regardless of how I attempt to coax honesty out - gently or angrily - I'm met with a certain defensiveness.

The truth hurts, but lies and untruths are harder to emotionally comprehend.

(This post was originally from the 21st, I didn't realize until just now it never actually got published. Blah.)

Timekeeper Please Won't You Slow it Down Tonight?

(but not actually)

Playing the waiting game ...

1) ... to hear back from grad schools (I've heard back from 1/5 ... not sharing any details, sorry.)

2) ... to see Maroon 5 in concert (a week tomorrow!)

3) ... to get a text that will probably never come (alright, maybe within a month - with some persistent convincing from an external party.)

I'm probably the worst person to make wait.  Anticipating some brilliant moods within the next couple of weeks! :)

Jump Up Down Up Down.

I was checking out at Walmart this afternoon.  The cashier was a slightly older gentleman; I've never encountered him before, but my mom has and he's constantly asking people how their days are going and just being generally friendly, which, in all honesty, is pretty rare these days.  After he asked me if I wanted to sign up for a mastercard (which I politely declined) and if I wanted to donate $1 to the Breakfast Clubs of Canada (which I did), the following ensued:

Him: I'm sorry, one more question.
Me: Oh ... Ookay?
Him: What was the highest point of your day?
Me: Oh, uhh, I guess I had a really great day at work.  What was yours?

He then proceeded to tell me that the highest point of his day was that he got to write his own obituary.  I laughed and told him that I didn't think very many people would think that that was the highest point of their day.  He asked me who better to write your obituary than yourself, then told me that whether or not his wife decided to use it was an entirely different issue.  I then replied that hopefully he wouldn't actually need said obituary for a long while yet.

I just thought I'd share this funny little story as it definitely brightened my day.

Considering the Monday I had, today was brilliant.  (I stupidly locked my keys in my car yesterday while the weather was at its worst with respect to the cold and blowing snow ... fortunately my mom was able to come right away and bring her set of keys.)

I figure I should also share that I got to watch the likes of Lisa La Touche, Tasha Lawson, Danny Nielsen, Katelyn Harris, and Max Pollak dance on Friday night, then take master classes with Tasha and Max on Sunday.  I highly suggest looking up Max Pollak's rumba tap on youtube.  Seriously.

I know how to rumba and I know how to tap, but putting them together? I couldn't.  I'll save you the trouble of looking up the first video ... enjoy!

Things Discovered.

When having a mental breakdown while getting ready for work, blow drying hair is an effective way to stop crying. All your sinuses hurt when you flip your head upside down. Huh.

Alone in the Dark of Night.

In desperate need of Wednesday afternoon to arrive. Desperate.  Silence is too noisy. I'm not sure how much more I can take.

I Need Something, But I Get Nothing.

Listening to Grace Potter and The Nocturnals and gorging myself on ice cream tonight.  This, sad to say, is my life right now.

I've been experiencing a low phase in my current dichotomy of emotions for the past few days.  Suffice to say, I'd love to just sleep my life away right now.  Hardly anything can hold my attention or spark a lasting interest.  I mean, yesterday I received the three song books I ordered off of Amazon last week, sat myself at my piano, and within a half hour I'd completely lost interest in learning the songs I had been anticipating to do.  I can't even motivate myself to go to the gym, it's been two weeks and despite how awful I feel about myself, I just can't.

Indulged in a bit of retail therapy with my mom yesterday afternoon.  Managed to score a leather jacket (because you absolutely cannot resist buying a $300 jacket for only $60, you'd be insane not to take the deal), a pair of kick-ass high heeled boots I've been craving since November.  I did my nails and actually put a lot of effort into the nail art last night in an effort to make myself feel, well, something.  Unfortunately, I'm not sure I actually like the design I did so it was a bit of a failed attempt.  Aside from feeling slight satisfaction in my purchases and actually making my nails look a little fancier than usual, nothing.

It really sucks having, really, only two emotions ... okay, three consistently.  Numb, depression, rage.  Happiness is only ephemeral and happens, pretty much, just in the company of my child clients at work.  One of the many things I am thankful for with my current occupation - children are just inherently happy and it's contagious.  Unfortunately, the effects, for me, wear off the moment I'm back in my car.

I guess I'm praying for a miracle to happen and to make me feel a much wider range of emotions as of yesterday, but I know that's impossible.  I'm hoping this coming week will get me out of my funk, even if it is just temporary.  In all honesty, my entire life right now is just full of "temporaries," I'm really not counting on any "permanents" - now that would be wishful thinking.

How Dare You Say My Behavior's Unacceptable.

At first I thought it was just misplaced rage caused by an irrational train of thought.  Now, I realize I haven't been entirely irrational.  The more I reflect on it, the more it's justified ... and for once, it's not just me and my topsy turvy mind.

Just Come and Dance with Me Tonight.

I was just listening to my ipod on shuffle in my car today and this song came on ... I suppose it's a bit at odds with how I've been feeling lately and what's been going on in my life, but it makes me happy.  It's one of those feel-good songs and even if you can't necessarily relate to the lyrics, it will certainly make you want to dance - well, it makes me want to dance at least.

I hope you enjoy this song as much as I do.  And hopefully, I'll have an actual blog entry up in the next few days (work has been keeping me especially busy this week, so I apologize!)

So much learning to lose,
but you're not a day too soon.
So say you feel the same and
we'll never be lonely anymore
 

I'll wear that dress if you wear the tie
and baby we'll dance through the night
'cause no one's got what we've got going.
Happiness never held on to me
until you had me see
that together we're just better off.

I Wrote 200 Letters I Will Never Send.

Monday had me hearing things like "I'm just gonna quickly nip to the loo." (I LOVE having a British co-worker), "You call EVERYBODY sweetpea!" (and yet you still smile when I do, little girl!),and "My dad is gonna trade in his Rolls Royce for an Alfa Romeo." (I wanted to kick this guy in the face ... he was up on the training level of the YMCA, running on an elliptical along the balcony, and having a shouted conversation with a lady down on the main floor.  Pretentious ass face.)

Tuesday was paper work, paper work, paper work(!!!!) in the morning, oh and organizing toys I suppose.  Buying a Happy Meal at McDonalds for lunch just so I could get a Hello Kitty toy. Almost getting lost, but managing to figure out which direction to go in the fork in the road at the very last - and I do mean last - second while driving through downtown to get to my afternoon shift (luckily, there was no traffic behind me ... I admittedly had to do some fancy maneuvering in reverse.  Oops.).

Wednesday was full of nerves, slight breakthroughs, and awkward moments. I really would rather not elaborate too much on this.  Just know that awkward day is awkward.

Thursday saw me with a split lip, bruised thigh, bruised shins, and a bruised pelvic bone.  Sounds like I was assaulted, but nope, just a child going through an aggressive phase and using his head when I told him to not hit with his hands or feet.  Creative, I suppose, but left me in a world of pain.  Pretty sure if I had been a man, the hit to the groin would have been worse, but still ridiculously painful.  Still managed to power through some errands after work, and go to dance class which effectively made my old knee injury flare up again and make my thighs burn the only way a Highland Fling can.

Friday was exhaustion ... and painful in a crampy, midsection-on-fire kind of way.  Really didn't get very much done, but indulge in a 3 hour nap after lunch. :3

Today was another fairly lazy day simply explicable by a lack of motivation to do anything.  However, I must allow myself this moment in vanity and say that I looked really pretty today. :) Why can't I look this good when I actually see people I'm going to be spending time with for more than an hour!?

Tomorrow I ship my Dad and Auntie back to the motherland.  Yes, putting them in their own boxes and taking them to the FedEx loading docks at the airport.  Just kidding, they get their own seats; albeit they have to sit with strangers and about 60 rows apart on the plane to Taipei and another couple dozen rows apart from Taipei to Manila.  Oh well, I suppose.  Knowing my dad he probably prefers sitting apart from his sister ... I think he wishes they were sitting closer than 60 rows apart, but definitely doesn't mind not sitting side-by-side.  (And now you all know where I get my loner-ish tendencies from!)

Turn Around and Run Away.

Anxiety creeping in at exponential levels tonight.

Trying to find someone to spend the hour prior to my appointment tomorrow to distract me from the nervousness and ensure I actually go. Unfortunately my search has been fruitless.

I could go work out, but I feel like I may accidentally-on-purpose work out too long. I mean, the deposit I paid to book that appointment would be forfeit, but it wasn't that expensive...

Ugh.

I Got Nothing Left to Show You.

"Why are you sad?"

"I'm not sad, sweetie."

"Oh, but you have a sad face on!"

"Do I have a sad looking mouth?"

"No ... but your eyes look sad!"

"I'm just tired ... that's all."

"Oh ... that's okay then.  I thought you were sad. You should get more sleep!"

[Sigh] ... the perception and lack of filter in 4-and 5-year-olds never ceases to amaze me.  Of course, it's also nice that they can be so easily swayed to believe untruths.

Never Gonna Leave This Bed.

Feeling a little shitty tonight. Not as bad as last night though which is a huge plus.

Triggers are in a huge abundance tonight. I've been reminded of a certain former friend's huge lack of consideration, not to mention constant need for attention.  Anyway, triggers are triggers and I really don't need them right now. 

I guess I can say that I do feel accomplished in having submitted a few more grad school applications today. Silver linings and all that.

Sorry, short post is short.

Why Don'tcha Do Something?

They say do something that scares you everyday.  Well, I've done that along with something that has [mildly] embarrassed me, something that has made me feel good about myself (although also gave me a world of hurt), something out of what used to be habit that I actually haven't done in a while, and something indulgent.

1. an hour and a half long nap
2. joined linkd.in and realized that people get notified when you look at their profiles
3. requested an appointment for something I've been putting off for much too long
4. painted my nails
5. an hour long intense work-out

I'll let you puzzle out which activity falls under which category.

Bonus activity ... which I actually did a few days ago: changed my tumblr url.

Quotable IX.

“Letters are just pieces of paper,” I said. “Burn them, and what stays in your heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish.”

- Haruki Murakami (Norwegian Wood)

Some people I know (myself included) would do well to keep this in mind.

Sink into Oblivion.

If nothing else, I just want to feel okay again.

Quotable VIII.

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” - Kahlil Gibran

Work It Out.

 I'm on a super fitness kick.  I've been grumpy-pants all week, particularly in the mornings, but this morning I woke up happy.  I figured it was because I'd had such an awesome time with my tap class last night (great workout, good stress-relief) and signed up for the year-end performance (kind of felt like I was signing my life away, but it'll be tons of fun).  Not to mention, I totally vegged-out last night, I fell asleep and slept straight through the night until my alarm went off and shockingly, despite only having 5.5 hours of sleep, I wasn't too tired to get up!

That lead me to conclude that I need to work out and get all those endorphins and other good things flowing more often than my once-a-week dance classes.  I mean, it is proven that people who are active tend to be happier.  Not to mention, in the past, I've always felt better about myself when I've incorporated some form of physical activity into my routine. 

Since I have no social life - all my friends are out of town, busy with school, or both - I've decided what better way to spend my MWF afternoons than hitting the gym?! Well ... shopping, but I really need to save the money and definitely need to clear out my room first (pretty sure I'm a stage 1 hoarder, ugh).

Anyway, I've signed up for a gym membership, and am determined to kick my ass to the gym on the allotted afternoons; unless something comes up, which I highly doubt will.  I started today and it felt great.  I'm actually impressed I didn't keel over about halfway into my cardio workout.  I lifted some weights afterwards, stretched it out, then had a quick steam.

I've also stocked up on supplements.  I'm pretty good about taking my usual Vitamins C, D, and Calcium/Magnesium, so I guess it's just a few more to add on.

Here's hoping this fitness kick sticks around.  (Of course, not wanting to waste the money I'm spending on a gym membership is incentive enough right now).

Life is an Open Road.

I had my adventure today!

At first I wasn't so sure because the weather was pretty awful this morning, but then I said "Screw it." and figured that if it was bad driving towards my destination, then I would simply turn around and come back into the city again.  Fortunately, Mother Nature decided to look favourably upon my impromptu journey and the weather just got nicer and nicer the further north (well ... northwest if you want to be technical) I drove.

I had only been planning on going as far as Canmore which is about an hour away from home.  I drove around the city and walked a bit, then decided to check out the Nordic Center and briefly debated if I should try some skiing.  Unfortunately, the wind was a bit too brisk and I hadn't brought my hat or snow pants with me so I probably would not have made it too far and wasted the money to rent skis and for entrance into the actual park.

So I figured, it was only another 15 minutes to the town of Banff and I could make the national park entrance fee worth it.  Besides, I think it was necessary that I go on my own and explore - clear my head, enjoy the sights for myself.  It was still a bit brisk, but sunny - way better than the forecast here at home - and there were hardly any people around - mostly locals and only a few tourists.  Needless to say, Banff was super enjoyable without having to stop and walk around people taking pictures, stopping to figure out where they were, or slowing down simply because of the crowds.

I walked around for an hour and a half, wandering kind of aimlessly, and just forgetting myself and the world for a while.  I stopped for a break in the Second Cup and warmed up with a honey vanilla tea latte and the sheer friendliness of the barista.  After a half hour I went back to my car and hit the road again, debating if I should start heading home or head further north.  Once I hit the fork in the road, I kept going north and opted to take the scenic drive to Johnston Canyon.  I figured I might be able to hike up to the Lower Falls at the very least.

Ha! Fooled myself.  The drive up to the canyon was gorgeous, as it always is, but there's just something about seeing the trees and foliage (and of course, mountains) covered in snow that makes it extra stunning.  I got out of my car and was nearly taken away by a huge gust of wind.  There was no way I was making it up to the Lower Falls, not without snow pants/wind breakers, and a hat.  Do I really need to tell you what I did next? I got back in my car and decided to drive back.

I was super tempted to drive towards Lake Louise, but figured that I would get stuck in rush hour back in the city if I went.  Oh well ... another time.  At least now I can say that I made my own memories in a bunch of these places ... not to mention, got a complimentary refresher crash course in winter driving (not all stretches of the roads had been paved and sanded so it made for a bit of an exciting course through the winding roads).

Anyway ... I had a fabulous day.  It was incredible having the chance to get away to clear my mind and relax for a day, especially since it's the middle of the week.  Tranquility on a Wednesday? Unheard of until today, for me at least.

Just me, my tunes, some snacks, and the open road (with the added bonus of gorgeous scenery).  I'll never get sick of seeing the mountains, especially in their majestic snow-capped states.  And for being only an hour away? I love calling this place home.

Here are four of my favourites from today (ignore the spots ... my windshield wipers are evidently not doing their job properly!):

I am a SUPERFOX.

Well ... not quite yet. More like I'm a superfox cub.

Confused about the reference? It's because this book has been my companion since I bought it yesterday: It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken.

Bonus Hello Kitty pajama pants!

Yep.  I went there.  Some of you, my faithful readers, may think it's a last-ditch effort, but some of you may appreciate it.  Truthfully, a bit of the stuff in this book is stuff I've already heard from friends, or things I've already done for myself, but it was refreshing to read it in this book simply because the authors weren't condescending or trying to be therapeutic in anyway.  It was candid, straight-forward, and quite fun actually.

And yes, all of those sticky notes sticking out are things I've flagged as relatable, worth another reminder, or a need to do!  Considering the book is nearly 300 pages, the fact I've got only about 25 stickies isn't bad, (never mind the fact that one of them actually cordons off a whole chapter).

In any case, I've been feeling really low lately so I decided to spend my afternoon yesterday looking at books, shoes, and dresses.  I ended up buying 5 other books apart from this one (and debated also buying The Break-Up Bible, but figured I didn't want to look desperate at the check-out by buying two "self-help" books).  I also ended up buying a dress (questionable as to where or when I will actually wear this dress, but it was really pretty ... and on sale). While I still felt quite low after all of those purchases, I definitely felt better after reading the first 200 pages last night.

Admittedly, I was quite cranky this morning, but I figure it's because I didn't get much sleep - when you spend an entire weekend sleeping because muscle relaxants are a euphemism for tranquilizers and only get 6 hours of sleep, I think you'd be cranky too.  Anyway, work was just a sensory overload for me this morning (however, the teacher and my partner CDS also felt the same way), so it was nice to sit in a quiet Starbucks over lunch and power through another 30 pages.  Unfortunately, that pleasantness only lasted an hour into my afternoon shift ... but coming home to an empty house and powering through the remainder of the book before everyone else got home was especially relaxing.

I need to do more for myself (without spending more money ... I've already gone through the shopping phase quite thoroughly these past few weeks), to feel good about myself.  So tomorrow, an impromptu day trip! If successful, I may write about it tomorrow.  Of course, the weather doesn't seem to be cooperating this evening, so we'll see what happens in the morning I guess! Regardless of if I get out of town or not, I will definitely be doing something.

Til next! Love from the budding Break-up Warrior Princess and soon-to-be SuperFox!

She Can Wound With Her Eyes.

Numb.

Ugh.

I was all set to go out tonight for a friend's birthday, but I can't even keep my eyes open. It's barely even 9 pm and I'm exhausted!

Now, before everyone jumps to the conclusion that I'm an old maid, I'm on a new medication and one of the side effects is drowsiness. I didn't think it would be this bad, but I've already taken an hour long nap and just want to sleep more!

Back story on the meds: I've been having fairly severe back pain for almost 3 months now and I finally decided to see a doctor today because I actually had to stop and rest at work this morning, the pain was excruciating. He prescribed a muscle relaxant and wrote me up a recommendation for massage therapy. 

Well, I'm still in a bit of pain, but my body feels super sluggish and my brain just wants to shut down. Needless to reiterate, I guess, that my plans for drinking and dancing have been completely shot to hell.

Sigh.

Here Comes the Sun.

It was our PD Day today at work, and I very nearly said "Screw it" and ditched going because I got stuck in awful traffic on my way to the office and figured there was no point in showing up during the presentation/workshop.  By some miracle, I still managed to get to the office on time ... okay, so I wouldn't have been that late even if the traffic had held me up a bit longer, but it was still mighty tempting to skip hahaha

Anyway, I'm glad that I got to work on time and stuck around because we had a life coach come in to do the workshop.  I've always been under the impression that a coach would merely be someone who motivates you and helps set you on the path appropriate for you.  It turned out to be so much more than that; it was a lesson in self-awareness and overcoming adversity.  We touched on how to dissect our own feelings and problems and how to move forward from there through a bunch of awareness and empowerment techniques.  By extension, these techniques could be used to aid us in the work that we do with children and

It was really quite a substantial.

As I've been in a bit of a funk lately, I figured with the lessons I learned today, this entry would be an exercise in positivity.

1) I felt really pretty today ... my hair cooperated and lay straight, my hand was steady enough this morning to make nice lines on each of my eyelids, and my mascara wasn't clumpy at all :)

2) I was rocking my gold pants today.  I worried I couldn't pull them off, but I'm actually quite happy with how they looked with my outfit.

3) I got to have lunch with two of the ladies I worked with last year and it was a lot of fun catching up, gossiping, and just being able to connect.  They still work at the preschool I was at last year, whereas I'm all over the city with the schools I work at this year.  Working through a private agency, I don't get to connect with the staff at these preschools as well as I did last year when I was only at the one preschool.  Not to mention, this agency only has PD Days every two months so it's difficult to make friends with the other staff as we very seldom see each other.  It makes for a bit of a lonely life, to be honest, so it was really nice to connect with familiar faces again.

4) I'm going to paint my nails today and perhaps play around with my new dotter set or manicure tape.

5) I've started a new scrapbook. I haven't scrapped since the summer, so I'm looking forward to releasing some creative energy.

I miss you quite terribly.

We Have Changed, but We're Still the Same.

I had to pay a visit to my Alma mater this afternoon to get some things sorted out. (It's still strange that I can refer to that place as my Alma mater.) I figured I'd take the chance to catch up with friends. Unfortunately, the usual suspects had work, class, or just didn't respond, but I did get to catch up with two people I haven't seen in months.

It's amazing when you can find sympathy, similarity, and solace in the most unexpected of places.  (How was that for alliteration?) I was lucky to have met up with this friend today. We've never been super compatible, but I've usually been one of his confidants in the past. Today surprised me and found us switching roles a little bit. I found a maturity and insight that's never been there before.  Being in a relationship for three years has definitely changed him in a million ways, especially considering all the complications they've had along the way.

In any case, it was refreshing to hear such a different perspective from the ones I'm used to. I'm impressed. I'm also amazed at how easy the discourse was ... then again, he's one to never stop.

You've come a long way, CK.

Je me souviens.

I remember everything.

I remember faces, names, details.  There are people that I was in the same Grade 3 class who have no idea who the hell I am anymore, but I still remember their names and certain details about them, like their favourite hobby or the shirt that they wore most.  I remember birthdays, anniversaries, phone numbers (although, my penchant for numbers is leaving me with my increasing reliance on my phone, and the fact most of my friends are in a different area code).  Most of all, I remember things people tell me about them - stories from their past, a recent encounter with an ex, a funny situation they found themselves in, the thing that made them cry last.

Of course, I can't even remember what I had for breakfast, what I wore yesterday or the day before that, and I'm horrible at history.  I guess it all had to balance out somewhere.

Some people may think my ability to remember these things is a gift, and it is, but it also comes with a price.  I find I get bored easily and, in a way, lose the drive to continue a conversation.  So while I am a laconic person in general, this taciturnity increases exponentially because I internally roll my eyes and temporarily lose attention if I've heard something before.

Maybe I expect too much.  Well, not maybe, I do.  I expect my conversational partners to remember things that they've told me before and to only tell me novel and interesting things.  Most of the time I respond with a terse "Mmhmm" or "Right" or tell the person straight out that they've told me already.  It's a terrible habit and makes me an awful person to continue a conversation with.

Sometimes I let people retell the story, even if I remember every detail from the last time.  Maybe I should do that more often.  Perhaps there's some minute detail I missed in the last recounting of their tale, or maybe I've experienced something during the intermediate that allows me to offer insight I wasn't able to before.  Perhaps it would have helped save my last relationship.  I let myself get bored, I let myself get too angry, I let myself close off.

I'm a lady of few words, especially those verbally spoken.  While, it's my nature to be introverted, my lack of speech also comes from my extensive memory of conversations past and attention to details.

I remember everything. 

It's both a gift and a curse.

Taking Shortcuts and False Solutions.

Hopeful. Hopeless. Moving on. Letting go. Rewind. Falling back. Take a breath. Leave me alone. Stay with me. Crash. Fall apart. Crack. Heal. Cry a little. Get angry. Calm. Breaking down. Confidence. Self-doubt. Fighter. Wave the white flag. Snoop. Stop. Go. Move? Stay. Strengthen resolve. Give up. It's for the better. Why does it happen like this? It's not okay. Fight back, fight back, fight back. Get annoyed. Distractions. Disappear for a while. Lose yourself in words. Read. Write. Cry. Scream. Laugh. High heels. Dinner. Dreaming. Adventure? Wishful thinking. Stress, stress, stress. Sleep away the afternoon. Paper work. Oops. Coffee-addiction returns. Doubt, doubt, doubt. Uncertainty. Smile. Be yourself. But it's hard. Love me. Love yourself. Talk. Listen. Try again. Work hard. Stay true. Laugh. Fall apart. Stand up. Dance. Sing. Write. Keep Smiling. Live. /end

It Don't Break Even.

Hello hello,

I know entries have been slightly scarce from me lately and I've had to resort to music blogs, but I simply cannot bring myself to write a cohesive entry as I am desperately lacking cohesive thought.

1) Grad school applications are ... coming along to say the least.  I submitted my first one just last weekend actually.  My next one isn't due for another three weeks, but I figure I'll be getting on it within this week.  Of course, once you've written up one application, you've written them all.  Just need to modify my Statement of Purpose to each specific school.  Not a huge deal.

Aside from applications to various Communication Sciences and Disorders and Speech-Language Pathology programs across the US, I'm also applying to the Masters of Education program here at home.  Unfortunately, the discipline that I wanted to apply for is currently running and so will not be offered for the upcoming session, but I have narrowed it down to two disciplines that I would like to take.  I need to decide which to apply for, unless I apply for both I suppose.  Increase my chances a bit.  As much as I hope to get into a CSD or SLP program, I figure I would really enjoy doing an MEd, particularly in the disciplines I've chosen.

2) My little brother, who I suppose is not so little anymore turned 19 on Friday.  I feel like he just turned 16 last year! In any case, my mom and I brought lunch into his "school" (he attends a vocational program for adults with special needs, but for simplicity's sake, we all refer to it as school) for lunch on Friday.  It was nice to meet a few of the other participants in the program and their staff. 

Last night we went for dinner.  The original plan was Montana's, unfortunately the wait for a table was ridiculous so we ended up at Swiss Chalet.  Never again.  Ugh.  The service was great, the food was awful.  I don't even know what else to say.  Just ... never again.  I guess it explains why the place was probably only half-full at most.  As for the general demographic of diners ... I'm really not surprised.  haha!

3) I know that thick, "natural" eyebrows are the "in" thing right now, but there's a difference between thick and natural (excuse me as my immature brain giggles unyieldingly), and an ungroomed, hot mess.  Clean it up, darling.

This point, I know, is superficial, and I have no excuses to provide!

4) Golden Globes were on tonight.  While the GGs have never been my favourite award show, it just could not hold my attention at all! Even the red carpet coverage was sorely lacking - I can't believe how many times I didn't like a dress.  Usually I'm "ooh"-ing and "ahh"-ing, but this year I just wasn't impressed nearly as much.  A lot of the fashion was blah at best.  Stand-outs were Michelle Dockery, Halle Berry, and all the gowns that Tina Fey wore while hosting, especially the blue halter-ish number she wore at the beginning of the show.  I was expecting more, so I'm definitely disappointed; hopefully the Oscars don't disappoint me too!

5) Downton Abbey tonight - fabulous.  Lots of giggles to be had, and lots of swooning over Dan Stevens.  Yum.  haha :)

 Well ... I think that sums up this weekend.  Granted, it wasn't my entire week(end), but I hope there was enough detail in there to make up for my lack of substantial posts.

Text block blogging coming up soon! (I haven't done one of those for a while, but I think it's the only way I can sum up all of my thoughts without actually having to apply syntax to them.)