Late Nights, Early Mornings.

Merry Belated Christmas to all my blog readers. (I know you're out there, my hits have to come from somewhere. Perhaps in the New Year some of you won't be so shy and leave a comment once in a while. I promise I don't bite ... hard.)

Anyway, I just got back from my week long vacation to Hawaii. It was gorgeous, just as green and lush as I remember it being from the last time I went, 14 years ago.  Was it the best vacation? Well, no, if I'm being honest, but it was still nice to get out of the cold and bask in some sunshine for a change. Besides, I'm pretty sure I was ready for a break from the mundane. 

One more week off and then it's back to work. At least school is done, no more pre-requisite course needed (I hope), so I'll be a strictly full-time working girl. (Insert She works hard for the money, so hard for it honey, she works hard for the money so you better treat her right)

It's nearly 3 am, I think I'm rambling because of delirium, but I'm still on Hawaii time so it's only midnight for me. Despite the  fatigue, I'm finding it super difficult to sleep. Apologies for the randomness of this post, and if it's lacking coherency at all.

I think I may also just be rambling because I haven't updated in over a week and I'm feeling guilty. However, I should remind myself that there have been longer hiatus between my posts before.

I should stop, I feel like this post is really going nowhere. Kudos if you're still reading at this point, and thank you.

Like I said before, don't feel shy, feel free to leave a comment if you want to, it'd be nice to maybe put a username, (even if it's just anonymous), to some of the hits I get. :)

Is It Over Yet?

I was looking for excuses, but I gave myself a shake.

It's for the better, for the best.

I Gave Now I'm Wanting Something in Return.

Walk Away.

Sick of stupid games and your stupid double standards.

Hoping One Day You'll Make a Dream Last.

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go ...

Break the Silence.

I've been home for an hour and the silence is already driving me crazy ... I can't turn on the tv because almost every channel is covering the tragedy in Newtown, CT and it's terribly depressing, but also very infuriating.  I don't want to hear about the killer; psychoanalyzing him posthumously won't change a thing, it won't bring those kids and adults back, it's getting everyone's attention on somebody who really doesn't deserve the recognition his name is getting.  Retelling the story every 15 minutes is also probably making this whole ordeal worse for the families who did lose somebody.  So stop.

Media sensationalism gets on my nerves so much, especially because it doesn't do anything! It brings about the ridiculous argument that video games and movies inspire violence in people - they don't.  People create violence.  People who have mental illness but have no access to help but wide access to the gun market create violence.  Clearly, the states needs to rethink their gun laws AND their health care.  The fact that it's easier for people to access guns than it is to access medical help of any sort is horrific, particularly for a first world country.

ANYWAY ... I digress.

So my house is quiet.  I can't turn on the tv, for the aforementioned reasons. I won't turn on music because, for whatever reason, I don't feel like listening to music; I'm just not in the mood.  So here I am, tap, tap, tapping away at my laptop, listening to the sound of my fingers hitting the keyboard and the traffic rushing by outside, (not to mention the ambient clock ticking and natural house creaks).  You never really realize just how much noise goes on in your home that you find to be ambient until you're alone.

This house has never felt so big.

Je ne peux pas m'en passer comme ça.

I Don't Know When I Lost My Mind.

I've been in strange moods lately.  It's this inexplicable blend of nonchalance and caring about every single thing; apathy and fury, stolidity and anguish. 

When I go to the mall and can blow nearly $300 in one go, plus all the online shopping I've been doing for the past two weeks, and not feel buyer's remorse, you know something is up.  I just wish I could explain it.  I am at such a loss for words right now.

I have such a difficult time getting up in the morning, and not for lack of rest, I guess it's almost as if I just can't find a really good reason to get out of bed anymore.  I do because I have responsibilities, to myself and to my brother.  I do because I enjoy my job and so those kids can be successful.  I do because I want to feel useful.  But, somehow, it's not enough. I need more.  I need that reason to get up in the morning; that one driving force that makes me happy to get out of bed, makes me feel like morning cannot come soon enough, not because I have a duty to fulfill.

I guess right now I'm just coasting through life ... I miss the rush.  I miss having a constant in life.  I mean, sure, work is constant and routine, but it's mundane.  I missing having a constant which remained so even if everything was monotonously ongoing or completely flipped on its head.  The constant of knowing there was something to look forward to at the end of everyday - right now, I have nothing to look forward to.  Wake up, work, come home, do paper work, sleep, rinse and repeat.

I'm tired of feeling like this ... it's all so ridiculously tedious.

I haven't even gone into detail about how certain things just set me off ... when I'm not feeling nonchalant and bland (which I am about 70% of the time), I feel extremely - it's never just mad or sad, it's furious or depressed.  It's mostly right before I go to bed, those moments when I'm just lying in the dark staring up at the atramentous ceiling, thinking.  Thinking about things that could have been, things in the past that I wish I could change, the future, everything: school, work, life, love, family.

At least if I were bi-polar I would have an actual reason for the way I've been feeling and acting lately.  Right now I'm lost.  Like I said before, I'm coasting, but I miss the rush.  I'm tired of the mundaneness that has become my life.

Whatever it is, I am definitely ready for a holiday.

All I want for Christmas is ...

Well ... I can't even answer that right now, because I don't even know.

Keep Smiling, Darling ...

... because you're such a pretty little liar.

Just Breathe.

It's been a few days and I can finally have some room to breathe ... thus, some time to rant on my blog!

I re-wrote my GRE this afternoon and I'm feeling pretty dumb about it.  My raw scores only went up by a point in each component.  So I pretty much wasted $200.  Just goes to show I guess, no matter how much you prepare, sometimes you're just as good as the system you've got.  I like to think I prepared a bit more this time around, but that would be slightly dishonest.  I probably prepared just as much as I did for the first time I took this exam, so I guess I deserve what I got! It just sucks to have had to spend another $200 to figure that out.

Ugh.

In other news, I'm a little fed up about my job.  There are some obvious double standards going on right now which I am extremely irritated with.  ALSO, just started with a new client on Thursday and I can already tell that while I will get along with the kid just fine, I may have some bones to pick with some of the adults in the room.  No specifics to be posted, but it's definitely going to be an adventure in testing my patience!

Point of randomness: I finally re-activated my facebook.  Actually, I reactivated a few days ago, I've just kept on the down low, and actually managed to not go on it! That being said, I just spent a half hour catching up on certain parts.  I'll probably continue my creeping tomorrow.

Other random news, 13 days til I get the house to myself for a week and 19 days until Hawaii! Woohoo!

I think that's all for now, just a super quick blog today - I spent 4.5 hours today staring at a computer screen for my exam, I'm done looking at screens today, even my phone is straining my eyes.  Blahh ...

I know this is a poorly written entry and probably reads like a ditzy pre-teen wrote it, but please forgive me, my brain is fried and any eloquence I may have had before was completely exhausted during the analytical writing components of the GRE.  Hopefully a better entry tomorrow or the next day.

Much love.

Tell Me How You REALLY Feel.

FED UP FED UP FED UP      FED UP FED UP FED UP      FED UP FED UP FED
FED UP FED UP FED UP      FED UP FED UP FED UP      FED UP FED UP FED UP
FED UP                                       FED UP                                       FED UP                    FED UP
FED UP                                       FED UP                                       FED UP                       FED UP
FED UP                                       FED UP                                       FED UP                          FED UP
FED UP FED UP                       FED UP FED UP                      FED UP                             FED UP
FED UP FED UP                       FED UP FED UP                      FED UP                             FED UP
FED UP                                      FED UP                                       FED UP                          FED UP
FED UP                                      FED UP                                       FED UP                       FED UP
FED UP                                      FED UP                                       FED UP                     FED UP
FED UP                                      FED UP FED UP FED UP      FED UP FED UP FED UP
FED UP                                      FED UP FED UP FED UP      FED UP FED UP FED

fed up                      fed up            fed up fed up fed up                   fed up
fed up                      fed up            fed upfedupfedupf up                fed up
fed up                      fed up            fed up                   fed up               fed up
fed up                      fed up            fed up                   fed up               fed up
fed up                      fed up            fed up                   fed up               fed up
fed up                      fed up            fed up fed up fed up                    fed up
fed up                      fed up            fed upfedupfedup                       fed up
fed up                      fed up            fed up                                               fed up
 fed up                    fed up             fed up
    fed up fed up fed up                fed up                                              fed up
           fed up fed up                      fed up                                              fed up

Enter Sandman.

Can someone please tell me how to unplug my brain? Or better yet, turn off my feelings?

I've been lying in bed thinking and getting emotional for the past two and a half hours. It looks like I'm back at square one, maybe square two or three because I guess I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be. In any case, no rest for the weary, indeed!

I'm definitely going to need an IV of espresso hooked up to me tomorrow... err ... today.

Holding Back Won't Turn Back Time.

When did the rain become a storm?
When did the clouds begin to form?
Yeah we got knocked out of course by a natural force,
And well, we'll be swimming when it's gone.

Differences.

It's not about what I deserve, it's about what I need.

Speechless.

Was it too much to ask, it was too much to ask.

You've Got Growing Up to Do.

And so my 21st year is drawing to a close. Of course, it couldn't go out without some excitement, albeit extremely misplaced and fear-inducing excitement (I'm pretty sure a handful of years were shaved off my life in just 5 seconds). Not to mention, 21 just couldn't leave me without some masochistic reflections and reminiscing.

Heartbreak, rejection, loss, frustration were the recurring themes of this past year.  That Youbeing said, I do have to acknowledge the few triumphs and milestones that have also occurred.  Admittedly, it's difficult to celebrate the positives this year has brought while they've been overshadowed by the negatives.

Yes, yes, life is only as bad as you perceive it to be, but it's been a rough year - one of my toughest years to say the least. Hopefully 22 brings a bit more happiness, second chances, and a new vitality overall.

Roll on 21, and bring all the bad luck with you!

One of These Things is Not Like the Others.

Heart racing,

face blushing,

fingers tingling,

butterflies flitting,

mind panicking,

smiles breaking,

giggles erupting,

stomach revolting ...?

That's not right.

I'm Scared to Death.

Where Is My Mind?

On the verge of a mental breakdown from all the things I have to get done, so I figured this was as good a time as any to post a rant.  Not entirely related to my current stressors, but I need to get it out anyway.

I am so sick of people telling me how I feel and why I feel that way.  Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were inside my mind and sifting through all my emotions and completely aware of the reasons these emotions are manifesting.  I'll feel however I want to feel for as long as I want, and until I feel the need to not feel that way anymore.  I'll feel however I want to feel for the reasons that are there and make sense to me.  And please don't tell me how I should feel, because last I checked, the only person who could control that was me, and sometimes even I cannot control it.  Don't tell me to get over something because it's what you perceive to be the wrong.  Don't tell me to calm down or relax because the only purpose that serves is to rile me up further.  Believe it or not, I am fully capable of self-regulation.

If there is one thing about me that is consistent, it's my passion.  When I feel something, it's pretty much the only thing I do feel.  I even do apathy passionately.  It's not necessarily healthy, but I will admit that at times passion can bleed into obsession.  I get stuck.  However, as I mentioned already, I can self-regulate, it just takes me some time.  Call it delayed reaction or whatever, you may even call it obsession or just plain old crazy for holding onto certain feelings for so long, but that's me and people just have to acknowledge that.

I feel how I feel because that's how I react to whatever is going on.  I feel how I feel because hormones once a month.  I feel how I feel because that's how my brain is wired.  I feel how I feel because sometimes I care too much.  I feel how I feel because I'd much rather be sad or angry or crazy than feel nothing at all. 

I feel how I feel because it is what it is.

So maybe take some of your own advice, and get over it.

Pardon the excessive use of the word 'feel' in this entry.

How Do You Feel?

Hayley nods. "He got angry when he couldn't tell me my favourite colour, or my favourite singer, or...even why I have paintings hanging on the walls."

Dean frowns. "I don't know much of that."

"No," she sighs. "You don't. That's Ryan's reasoning, not mine. He thinks to be better for someone than someone else you have to be able to cite every detail about them. He doesn't think about actual feelings or how people fit together."

-  wonderwoundedhearers (Spin Me)

Relevant.  

I think it's pretty self-explanatory.  Also, pardon the guilty pleasure. ;)

Say It to My Face.

I have never felt this under-appreciated before.  I'm actually quite offended.  I wish I could write about actual details, but with my job and the clientele I work with: confidentiality and all that!

I work my ass off for my job and I work especially hard to ensure that I'm fulfilling everything that's within my job description.  To hear from my direct supervisor that a parent has called one of the higher-ups to say that I did nothing grinds my gears.  I deal with getting slapped, kicked, spit on, and pushed around; after two and a half hours of that, I am exhausted and quite often close to tears.  I am working so damn hard to make sure my clients are progressing at an appropriate rate, so to hear that I'm being perceived as doing nothing and that I'm not working in such a way to curve certain behaviors is a huge kick in the face.

The work I do and am responsible for is only effective if everyone is on board and using similar strategies.  Thank you very much, but I am not the one doing nothing.

I am so irritated right now.  I am so damn close to the end of my rope.

You Can Say Anything You Want.

Sorry ... it's another music blog again!

The original version of this song (Cher Lloyd) is super catchy, but gets annoying real quick, especially with all the grunts.  I heard this version and it's been on repeat for DAYS now - it's essentially the only thing I've listened to while driving and doing work.  Anything that Boyce Avenue touches is gold - the way they change the lyrics is ace - (remember when I was obsessed with their version of Teenage Dream? That's still my favourite version of that song) and I have absolutely fallen in love with Hannah Trigwell's voice.  It's because of this song I went and downloaded her EP Pieces and I can't get enough of the three songs on that album.  Definitely recommend at least looking her up on youtube - unfortunately her original stuff isn't on her channel, and I'm too lazy to hyperlink, not to mention, I've already hyperlinked quite a bit in this entry.

Anyway ... I'm rambling.  I blame fatigue and being sick (my immune system has finally decided to give up trying to keep me healthy and let me get a cold.  Of course, I also work in four different preschools so that definitely played a huge role in my downfall.  So melodramatic, I know! I love kids, but they're germy little buggers haha.)

Til next!

You clearly didn't think it through,

'Cause I had everything for you,

Now I don't know what to do, do, do.

Tomorrow, Please.

I am so over today.

I have been spit on, slapped, punched, kicked, and screamed at (ah the joys of being a preschool worker ... don't get me wrong, I love my job, but days like this really piss me off.  I've been told I'm a saint for having so much patience to put up with some of the things that I do, but the truth is I'm just good at holding in my actual reactions).  I can't even go to my dance class because the weather is terrible, the roads are disgustingly awful, and I really don't feel like driving through it just for an hour-long session. 

Ugh ugh ugh.

Somebody cheer me up somehow, please?

I'm a Black Mermaid.

I should be studying, but I figured I deserved a break after 45 minutes of straight work.

Random tidbit about me: My favourite female artist is Esthero.  It's been 7 years (count them, SEVEN - I was in my first year of high school back then) since her last album was released.  After that long wait, Everything is Expensive was finally released last week and I definitely recommend taking a listen to it.  This song isn't my favourite off the album ("Over" takes that position), but it's pretty damn close.

The quality on this youtube vid isn't that great, but it gets the point across.

And I've spent most of my life deep down inside myself

I've dreamt about the possibility of someone else

who could see the things I've seen

and steal away with me.

Fade Away.

Despite the lyrics I just posted, I'm not as sad as it may seem.  Really.  It's just November and the significance behind that is paramount.

I guess, if anything, I'm feeling a bit hopeless.

I've really got nothing more to say than that.

Let Me Make Believe.

I know you tried but your heart ain't gonna fake it
If it ain't love, there's no way I can take it
So exposed, I might as well be naked
And I've been praying but I just can't make you love me
And it burns my heart that you don't feel the flame

I can't make you love me
so hold me like you mean it
and I'll pretend you feel it one last time.

- Elise Estrada "One Last Time"

I Tried to Forget.

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here I rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night ...

- Death Cab for Cutie

Leave a Message, I'll Call You Back.

Don't think it hasn't crossed my mind that November is just around the corner.

Honesty Hour.

Just a couple points of randomness from this past week:

- News about the NHL lockout makes me more mad than the NBA lockout did last year.  I'm not a super huge hockey fan, but I think it's entertaining ... I'm definitely more of a basketball fan (daughter of a diehard Lakers fan right here), but for whatever reason I find the NHL lockout infuriating. Hmm.

- This may sound prejudiced, but I really don't know how to spin this any other way.  I totally respect wearing of hijabs because I understand the reasoning behind it - do I necessarily agree? No, but it's the prerogative of the women who wear them and I'm not about to tell someone they shouldn't wear one.  Anyway ... those things are dangerous when driving! So I was in the outer lane at a dual left turn today and this woman making the turn next to me WAY over corrected right after the turn, she nearly side-swiped me by coming into my lane, thank goodness for the bus lane/stop I was able to drive slightly into to avoid getting hit.  Man, if looks could kill, she would have been incinerated on the spot - I was SO mad.  Now, maybe it was actually just her over-correcting to an insane degree, or trying to avoid the snow slightly piled along the median? But in any case, it probably also didn't help that her peripheral vision was completely blocked by the way her veil was wrapped.  She had about an inch in front of her face! So annoying ... I'm not sure what the conventions of wrapping the hijabs are, and I really don't care if you wear one because that's your religious custom, but keep it out of your face! I don't often see women with the hijab coming forward off their face, I more often see the style wrapped just along the hairline.  That seems to be the safer option.  Definitely.  ESPECIALLY if you're going to be driving.  Oh my goodness ... HOWEVER, I do just have to say that it was most likely just her being stupid and not watching/paying attention.  I mean REALLY.

- While on the topic of driving ... hey, macho men in the gigantic pick-up trucks? And you rich snobs driving the huge Escalades and other luxury SUVs? You don't own the road! Don't drive down the middle of the road - you know, those residential ones that are meant for TWO-WAY TRAFFIC?! Have some damned courtesy and drive closer to the side you're supposed to be on! Also, I'd appreciate a friggen signal light or thank you if you're coming in front of me.  Oh, and the bumper space between me and the car in front of me? You're huge honking truck will NOT fit in there; I left more space because of the ice, stupid BUT even a small car wouldn't have fit in there. Yes, looking at you asshole who almost side-swiped me the other day by trying to fit into that space but then swerved super quickly away because you decided on a different route.  Sheesh!

- ANYWAY ... perhaps I should make a disclaimer: I know I'm not the best driver and I've got some pretty bad habits, but the stupidity and recklessness of all these other people is just mind-blowing!

- Moving away from driving ...

- I just have to say that my dinosaur hoodie is the most comfortable thing in the WORLD.  I'm super warm and cozy right now.

- I hated, HATED that Taylor Swift song, Never Ever Getting Back Together, when it first came out; the flat verses and mediocre lyrics annoyed me. It's since grown on me, simply because it's so damned catchy. I like to apply it to my exes from high school haha.

- I was watching Grimm earlier (love that show) ... and it was scary.  I've never gotten scared from an episode before, but this episode ("La Llorona" if anyone wants to look it up) took the creepy factor to the maximum! Ughh ...

- Super exciting things happened on Tuesday - I bought tickets to the Maroon 5 concert! Thank goodness for fan club pre-sales haha.  I'm still holding out for tickets into the pit which don't go on sale til tomorrow when the general public can buy.  You can bet I'm gonna be up and refreshing the ticketmaster page like a maniac just to score those tickets.  Ugh ... I'm SO excited.  Adam Levine is the ultimate sex.  I've loved this group since they came out with Songs About Jane.  Once I've been to this concert, I will have fulfilled my top two concerts that I absolutely needed to go to before I died - I went to Bryan Adams last summer, and now Maroon 5 will be in town in March! Woo!

- I really need to get a move on with my grad school applications :( Not to mention, my GRE re-take is just over a month away :'(

- I'm actually starting to have second thoughts about my career plans ... not in the "I want to change what they are" way, but in the "I don't think I can make it" way.  I guess I've just been thinking about what happens if I get rejected again this cycle a bit more lately.  In all honesty, I don't think I would try again.  But in a way, I almost don't want to try at all.  I guess I'm just so terrified of rejection this time around that I'm not even willing to put myself out there.  Don't get me wrong, I will get my applications in, but I'm REALLY putting it off because of the whole rejection thing.  I should also admit that I've been re-thinking the whole thing and I really wouldn't mind just being a preschool teacher or something.  Yeah, yeah, preschool teachers don't get paid nearly as much as speech-language pathologists do, but I would be working with preschool aged children which is what I love doing and that's really what matters, right? I dunno ...

- I feel like I'm getting boring with this entry.  I've actually been sitting here writing this blog for over a half hour, so I think I'll end it there.

I'll leave you with this song Daylight - Maroon 5... it's my favourite song off of the Overexposed album and I do believe they're planning on this being the next single that's released.

I never wanted to stop 

because I didn't want to start all over, start all over.

I was afraid of the dark, 

but now it's all that I want, all that I want ...

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go,

but tonight I'm gonna hold you so close.

'Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own, 

but tonight I need to hold you so close.

Simple Pleasures.

Nothing like going back to your first love to rejuvenate you and make you feel better about everything.  You can laugh, get down and dirty, blow some steam off, ease some physical tensions, be as loud as you want.  The difference a mere hour can make is phenomenal.

Of course, it doesn't come without the pain ... and maybe an iota of regret.

My thighs and calves are already screaming. I'm sorta dreading tomorrow.

I love tap dancing.  Never again will I have a decade long hiatus without my first love.

;)

Flawed Design IV

It's that feeling of not being quite good enough, not being able to stack up to anyone's expectations, including your own.

It's hearing the disappointment in your dad's voice when he talks about the place in life you're currently in.  Trying to convince him the menial jobs you take on now are a necessary stepping stone to your ultimate goal is done in vain.  You have a Bachelor's degree, but at this point it's not worth much without the experience simply because your grades weren't good enough. You can't be considered a professional at this stage because you're lacking the qualifications needed.  You're taking a course to have all the pre-requisites for grad school lined up because you didn't do enough research the last time you applied. You're still in this city because everywhere you applied to go last year rejected you.

It's the loneliness that has crept up on you none too subtly.  You're alone because you weren't enough to keep him around. You need him more than he ever needed you because you let your emotions rule you.  You're too emotional and sentimental.  You're keeping yourself from sending that text or making that call because you want to see if he'll put the effort in to salvage the friendship at least.  Unfortunately, the outlook doesn't seem too promising.  You two have survived not speaking for years, but this time it's that much worse simply because more has happened between you.  Face the music, he doesn't want you or need you.  Even if they say they'll never leave, everyone always does eventually.

It's that hopelessness and helplessness. Everyone has seemingly given up on you.  You fall into the role of the listening ear so easily that they think you're fine. You blog so much about your problems, no one's going to open that can of worms because it'll be the same old, same old.  No one expects anything more than tears or anger or silence.

I just want something to work out for once ... and for it to stay. I'm tired of all the rejection and loss.

In My Heart It's Raining.

It's been one of those evenings where I've thought myself into a hole.  Surprise, surprise!

Although, I should say I haven't cried, so that's gotta count for something, right?

It started with watching a TV show he and I used to watch together, then I just kinda got stuck.  Fretting about driving on ice tomorrow morning for the first time this season, and reminiscing on all the snowball fights, early morning snuggles, coffee dates of winters past.  Thinking back to conversations about the aforementioned show - including making fun of the more ridiculous ideas presented, and making up our own possible business endeavours ... realizing that smile and laugh will never be directed at me again.

Not even my fresh manicure can shake this chill.

I haven't done one of these in ages ...

TEN ARE YOUS
1. Are you single - yep ...
2. Are you happy - eeeehhh could be better.
3. Are you bored - evidently.
5. Are you Italian - no.
6. Are you pregnant - no.
8. Are you nice - usually.
9. Are you Irish - no.
10. Are you Asian - yes.

TEN FACTS
1. Full Name - Adrienne Rose V********-B***** ;)
2. Nicknames - AD
3. Birth place - Calgary
4. Hair color - dark brown.
5. Natural hair style - wavy.
7. Birthday - November 21
8. Facebook Mood - not on FB for the moment, so none?
9. Favorite color - red.
10. One Place to Visit - but there's NOT just one! 

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
1. Have you ever been in love - I like to think so.
2. Do you believe in love at first sight - nope.
4. Have you ever been hurt emotionally - who hasn't?
5. Have you ever broken someone's heart - I guess so?
6. Have you ever had your heart broken - heh, yes.
7. Have you ever liked someone but never told them - yeah.
8. Are you afraid of commitment - no.
9. Who was the last person you hugged - my baby niece.
10. Who was the last person you said I love you to - my brother.

TEN THIS OR THAT
1. Love or lust - love.
2. Hard liquor or beer - hard. beer's nasty - I'm beginning to sorta like beer, but not by much.
3. Cats or dogs - dogs.
4. A few best friends or many regular friends - few best friends.
5. Television or internet - internet. You can stream things!
7. Wild night out or romantic night in - romantic night in.
8. Money or Happiness - happiness.
9. Night or day - I guess it depends on what I'm doing.
10. IM or phone - phone.

TEN HAVE YOU EVERs
1. Been caught sneaking out - no.
3. Done something you regret - yeah.
4. Bungee jumped - no, but I'd like to
5. Lied to someone you like - yeah, and I'm not proud of it.
6. Finished an entire jaw breaker - ugh ... no.
8. Wanted an ex bf/gf back - ha ... yes.
9. Cried because you lost a pet - nope.  I've never had a pet that I could lose.
10. Wanted to disappear - too many times than I care to admit.

TEN PREFERENCES IN A PARTNER
1. Smile or eyes - how do you pick just one? Although, a smile isn't a smile unless it hits the eyes.
2. Light or dark hair - dark? I think I've gotten over my light-haired fixation.
3. Hugs or kisses - hugs.  I love kisses, but hugs are wonderful.
4. Shorter or taller - taller, definitely.
5. Intelligence or attraction - intelligence is attractive (so long as they're not cocky about it?)
6. Romantic or spontaneous - romance IS spontaneous.
7. Funny or serious - a balance of both, but they definitely cannot be too serious.
8. Older or Younger - I'm assuming this means in years - months-wise I really don't care.  If I really had to choose, older I guess?
9. Outgoing or quiet - outgoing but quiet when he needs to be.
10. Sweet or Bad Ass - sweet, with some bad ass moments?

TEN HAVE YOUS
1. Ever performed in front of a large crowd - yup.
2. Ever done drugs - other than pain killers, no. I'm straight-edge ;)
3. Ever been pregnant - no.
4. Ever kissed the same gender - yes.
5. Ever been on a cheerleading team - technically ... yes.
6. Ever Been on a dance team - yes!
7. Ever been on a sports team - dance is a sport so yes!
8. Ever been in a drama play/production - yes.
9. Ever owned a BMW, Mercedes Benz, Escalade, Hummer or Bentley?- not yet.
10. Ever been in a rap video? - no.

TEN LASTS
1. Last phone call - umm ... my mom?
2. Last person you kissed - I kissed my brother on the forehead ...
3. Last person you hung out with - oh man, this makes me feel like such a loner - the last time I saw any of my friends was on the 5th (16 days ago!)
4. Last time you worked - Friday. Back to the grind tomorrow!
5. Last person you tackled - one of my nieces or nephews ... oh wait, I thought it said 'tickled', therefore, it was my brother.
6. Last person you IM'd - Raf, I think? I needed some help studying for my chem midterm.
7. Last person you texted - Irene.
8. Last person(s) you went to the movies with - Caitlin! But that was way back in freaking August. How sad.
9. Last person/thing you missed - ha! Does this really need an answer? I think EVERYONE knows.
10. Last person you slept with - in what way? ;)

Truth.

"People don't fall in love with what's right in front of them.  People want the dream -- what they can't have.  The more unattainable, the more attractive." - Xander

Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 2x02 "Some Assembly Required"

(Sorry for the lack of any substantial entries today ... I've been looking through an old blog of mine and re-blogging the applicable quotes onto here. Will definitely have an actual entry tomorrow!)

Quotable VII.

“I wanted everything to stay the same, but you wanted things to be better, it's just...going to be a whole lot worse for awhile first. And I think I knew that, and I was scared of it." - Marcus

- Dan Wells, Partials

If there's one spark of hope left in my grasp ...

is it worth the risk of burning to have a second chance?

I Just Want to Throw My Phone Away.

I'm so sick of being fine one week and not the next.  I'm sick of getting so angry at every little thing. I'm sick of this house, living with my parents, this city ... being utterly alone.

I think being alone somewhere else would be better than being alone in familiar territory. At least I could explore to distract myself. I technically could explore this city, but it holds too many reminders and makes me feel more lonely. 

If I could wipe my memory clean I would and start over. I don't think anyone realizes just how much I mean that. I want a new name, a new life. I'm sick of being sad and angry. I want to forget about the stupid boy who broke my heart. (I mean preferably, I'd like to be loved again, but that's not happening  ... ever.) I'm sick of waiting for that text that I'm pretty sure will never come.

I'm so sick of checking my phone at the end of everyday and not having any missed calls or texts waiting for a response ... from anyone. It's kind of like "Friends? What are those?" Even if I text first, it's not like I get a reply back most of the time anyway. Besides, they're all busy with school - who has time for a nuisance like me? My ex (I hate calling him that ...) used to tell me I asked too much of him for always texting or calling when I knew he was busy. I'd rather not be a pest to my friends too. What's the point of having a phone anymore?

Bittersweet Memories.

Looking back on memory lane is like reading the story of someone else's life, another couple's romance.

It's super strange to have to explain, but instead of feeling sadness of it being over, I'm feeling happy - almost elated (not that it's over, but because I experienced it).  With the state I've been in over the past week or so, I'm sure most people would say that reading over old conversations or exchanged letters is a terrible idea.  I must admit, that a few months ago, even a few weeks ago, I would agree.  Something's changed in me, though.  I can't really explain it, but looking back at those written exchanges elicited a different range of emotions today.  I'm still disappointed that it's over, but I have a new found appreciation for all the good times; I've been reminded of happier times and it's made me smile which is more than what I could have hoped for during this phase of my life.  I'm happy because it happened.

I'm happy because I know what it was like to be in love and to be loved in return and this gives me hope for the future.  I'll feel that way again.  I don't know when and I don't know who, but at least I know for now that I'll find love again - or maybe it'll find me.  In any case, this is the most genuinely happy that I've felt in months.

I don't know what it is, but hopefully this acceptance and contentment stick around.

(Short and sweet today.)

Revisited: All at Once.

I first posted this song two years ago and it had a completely different meaning for me then than it does now.  In all honesty, finding this song again has given me some peace of mind.  I know, I know, in a few days or weeks I'll probably be writing another super sad/moody/angry entry again, but for now, this song is a comfort.  It sums up how the past two years went, and how now is going.

Call me naive, call me out for believing too much, but I firmly adhere to "If it's meant to happen, it will happen." Yes, we have to work for something - to achieve it, to maintain it - but if it's really and truly meant to work out, it's beyond our control. So who knows - maybe I'll meet someone else.  Or maybe he'll come back to me.  We found our way back to each other once, it may happen again.  That's really what's given me peace of mind.  I can't change his mind or how he feels about me right now (because right now, I'm pretty sure I'm one of the people on earth he really doesn't like too much), but who knows, in a few years, maybe we will? On the flip side, maybe we'll just find completely different people and go our own separate ways.  It's entirely out of my control now, and in some strange way, that's comforting.

Anyway ... sorry if my rambling doesn't make much sense.  My mind is swimming from my sick-with-a-cold brain and the fact that I have a midterm tomorrow which I've been cramming for all evening.

Til the next,
- Adrienne.
  

There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing 

and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you had her, maybe you lost her to another
To another

It's Harder Everyday.

I'm a mess to end all messes tonight.

I'm not sure if I'm more angry or sad, either way I'm unhappy.  This emotional rollercoaster has me going in every direction. I honestly don't even know which way is up.

All I know is that I can't deal with this anymore.  I feel like the only way I could go on and be happy again would be some memory procedure to wipe everything about him from my mind ... Or if he was to come back.  Unfortunately, both of those options are entirely impossible, so I'm stuck.

All my friends tell me I'm tough and strong for being able to go out with the group, including him, and show barely any emotion about it.  The truth is, it kills me every single time I do see him. I die not being able to talk to him unless he speaks first simply because that's what he wants.  We're not even together anymore and I'm still going by what he wants ...

It's really friggen ironic that I can't get over the guy when in high school I kept complaining about how he couldn't get over me.

I guess one of the things that hurts the most is the fact that he liked me for so long and now he couldn't give one shit about me. It's as if he wishes I never even existed.

Him falling out of love with me hurts worse than I ever could have imagined.  I don't even think I would wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy.  I tried so hard to get him to even like me again towards the end of our relationship because at that time I felt like he didn't even like me as a person, let alone love me. I tried so damn hard, but in the end it wasn't what he wanted.  I wasn't what he wanted. He looked for every excuse as to why we weren't working. He just didn't want me at all.

Maybe it's karma. Maybe he was always meant to break my heart for all the times in high school I turned him down.

In any case, I'm not as strong as everyone thinks.  I'm a right mess.  I'm not okay with this.

You'll Never Find A Heart Like Mine Anywhere.

It's not alright, you took what's mine
I want it back as fast 

as you packed up and left my life
It's not okay treating me this way
I'd rather let you break my heart 

and live with your mistakes
'Cause you'll never find another heart like mine to break

Short and Bittersweet.

I'm definitely some kind of masochist.

That is all.

You're the Splinter in Me.

Angry post is angry.

I'm pissed at that guy for being unable to act civilly towards me after he's had a few drinks.  I say two words in conversation and he acts like I've demanded for the world.  Pissed at the fact that he's a total hypocrite.  Pissed at the fact my coat smells like freaking Red Bull because drunky toppled his can of it.  Pissed because right now all I want is my friend back, but he can't seem to realize that I act how I act because that's the way I am and not because I'm still his annoying girlfriend.  My personality hasn't changed, you're just being a jerk and underestimating my ability to put my feelings aside and make an attempt at repairing a friendship.  Pissed that he still affects me like he does.

I'm mad at my dad for being so unbelievably overbearing and restrictive.  It's rare that I go out at night and stay out past midnight (I'm such an old lady at 21 ... not to mention all my friends being in town together only happens once or twice a year) so when he calls me when I'm already on the way home telling me I've pushed my limits too far and he was being generous when I had to stay out late to volunteer the week prior I find it incredibly ridiculous.  I'm nearly 22, I have a university degree because I studied hard and never gave up on it, I work hard at my job and excel in it, I'm in the process of applying to grad schools, I'm respectful, I never drink to get drunk (anymore), what more do you want?!

I'm angry at all the people who still act awkwardly around me months or years after we've had an issue.  I'm not the most talkative person, preferring to listen most of the time, but I cannot stand when people give me the silent treatment or barely respond to my attempts at conversation.  I've extended my olive branch, the least you could do is accept it.  I know I'm not the easiest person to talk to, but when I'm actually trying to speak with you, that's a big deal.  So grow the fuck up.

Frustrated that life is still kicking me down.  Give me a fucking break.  It's been six months of misery because of heartbreak, rejection, unexpected obstacles, and loss.  I'm trying so hard to keep my head above water so quit it with the stupid storms or whatever fucking sea monsters that are pulling me back down.

Most of all I'm furious with myself for still caring about that douchey fucker who couldn't give a shit about me.

(Not my most eloquent, but I'm so done with this shit.)

Two Truths, One Lie

a) I'm not as strong as people think or say I am. I often stay unaffected during events, but go home and let all the emotions wash over me. 

b) I love my friends for their support, but I'm finding I just can't deal with this situation anymore. 

c) One of the above statements is definitely a lie.

Letters from the Heart.

Dear You,

You've heard this from me before, but I don't think it stuck.  This is probably the one thing that really stands out for me - the one take away from our relationship that resonates with me every single day.

They say good relationships are all about having good timing with the right person.

Unfortunately I think we had a good relationship, but we were cursed with bad timing.  You and I are at such different stages at our lives that it was inevitable that we would drift.  I was focused on applying to grad school and actually graduating.  You were still trying to figure out what you wanted to do exactly and get through the year.  I had already made some university friends in my first two years.  You hadn't made very many friends in those years because of your last girlfriend and so wanted to build some.  I wanted to spend more time with you in case I did end up going away for grad school in the fall.  You wanted to spend more time with our friends who were probably also leaving for school in the fall. 

Maybe in some ways the fact I was supposedly moving onto the next stage of my life intimidated you.  You were always worried about never being good enough to do the things you wanted to do.  You always sought approval from others for what you were doing.  You still had so many uncertainties to deal with.  I already had my plan and I think I may have held it against you that you didn't have one.  On the flip side, I think you also held it against me that I did have one.

Unfortunately my plan didn't go ahead as I had hoped.  It was clear that I was losing you and then I actually did lose you.  During this time I started receiving rejection letters from schools and about a week after you left I received the last rejection letter.  A few months after that I found out that I had lost my job.  Life just kept kicking me while I was down and you were seemingly fine and moving on without me.  I couldn't help but think that if you hadn't been so focused on that fact that we thought I'd be leaving for school we could've had so much more time.  You wouldn't have been so ... and when I got all my rejection letters, you still would have been there for me.  Getting those rejection letters and not having you to tell me it would be alright and not having you to hold me during my break downs hurt ten times more.  The rejection was so much more unbearable.  I threw myself into work because there was no more you to distract me and hold my hand.  When the school year ended and so did work, I had nothing.  That was why I cried so much more 3 months after we had broken up than I had in the first two weeks after the fact.

We started talking again about two months ago.  We made plans to see each other, but our schedules just didn't work out ... you said maybe it was fate's way of telling us we weren't meant to even see each other yet.  I just got upset ... timing was never on our side.  Our relationship was the product of awful timing and fate playing games.

While both of our strong personalities - especially our stubbornness and the fact we took each other for granted - are definitely to blame in our fall-out, I really think timing was terrible for us.  Even to this day, our timing is still off.  Who knows, maybe our timing will eventually become synchronized again, but for now I'm accepting that it's just not supposed to work out.  It doesn't make it hurt any less, but I'm trying - if only because you yourself keep telling me to move on.

- Me.

When I Look at You All I See Are Lies.

Adrienne! I won't ever neglect you or become uncommitted or lie to you about our relationship. Since I was given this chance to be with you, I will never take it for granted. To make sure that these are not empty words and promises, I have to show you. I'll just need you and your time...

Liar.

You Changed Your Mind.

I gotta go
Time to spread my wings and fly
Higher than the blue sky
Never did me any good
Waiting around
Only so much that my heart can take
It doesn’t matter what you say
Wishing for all we could-have-been

Just so you know just so you know
I never thought you'd let me go
I don’t even know the truth
Yeah we were fine, yeah we were fine
Then all at once you changed your mind
And I was gonna marry you

I gotta stay
As far away as I can get
Cuz a part of me hasn’t left
If I get too close you're gonna pull me back in to
Thinking everything you said was true
But the ring around my finger proved
That I was your girl
But in the end it wasn’t what you wanted
Just so you know just so you know
I never thought you'd let me go
I don’t even know the truth
Yeah we were fine, yeah we were fine
Then all at once you changed your mind
And I was gonna marry you
Yeah I was gonna marry you

Take all the words you’ve spoken
And the promises you’ve broken
And throw them all into the ocean
Just to let it be
And late at night
When you're lying in your bed alone
Wishing you were still at home
But we both know its too late

Just so you know just so you know
I never thought to let you go
I don’t even know the truth
Just so you know just so you know
I never thought you'd let me go
I don’t even know the truth
Yeah we were fine, yeah we were fine
Then all at once you changed your mind
And I was gonna marry you
I was gonna marry you.

Never Planned That One Day I'd Be Losing You.

I was volunteering at a charity gala last night and had a lot of fun.  I got all glammed up in my fancy dress and sky high heels, did my hair and put more effort into my make-up regimen.  I shared lots of laughs with the other volunteers and had an overall grand time.  (I kept a lot of it in, but I was also mentally judging all the rich women who were wearing HORRIBLE frocks - in style and in fit.  Evidently, money cannot buy a sense of fashion.) Of course, I spent a lot of the night trying to not be in the same room as him, trying to respect his wishes that we need time and space apart.  As much as I wanted to at least talk to him a bit, I knew I shouldn't; and as much as it hurt, I think I pulled it off pretty well.

Inevitably however, a friend's sister asked how I was holding up - if things were awkward.  And inevitably, another friend who is currently in a long-distance relationship needed to vent.  He and I are going through similar things - he kept talking about certain aspects of his relationship and how much he missed her and why he missed her, and all I could think about was how much I understood how he was feeling.  The only difference, of course, is that she's still coming back - he still has her.  I don't even have a chance.  I told him so: He's lucky he still has her and that he knows she'll be coming home.  He's fortunate that they both have strong feelings for each other.  I know it makes me sound selfish in a lot of ways to apply his situation and feelings to myself, but I can't help it.

"I'm reminded every time I drive down that road."  

I don't think anyone truly realizes the extent to which this applies to my life.  I said it in my last entry, I'm fine when I'm at work or at school where my mind is continuously bombarded with things that pertain to those situations, but the moment I'm alone in my car driving to or from wherever it is I need to be I'm reminded of everything. 

Remember when we got stuck in traffic that one day on this exact road? We had gone to dinner to celebrate our first anniversary.  We kept ourselves busy by making words out of people's license plates, and when that got exhausted, we'd get into tickle fights.  Remember that other time we were driving this route and we were having that really bad argument? That was a moment I thought we would be through for sure, but you pulled through for me - you showed me how you wanted to work it out.  Remember that time we went shopping and then I had to go to work, but the traffic was so bad you had to find another route for us to take? I wish I could just navigate my way around the city like you did that day.  I was still half an hour late for work, but you got me there and we had an adventure the entire way there.

There are so many other moments, but those were meant just for us. And I'm sure anyone reading my blog isn't terribly interested in the specific moments that made us.

"I miss all the annoying things."

That's a sign you really care for someone, let alone love them.  You're willing to look past the things that grind your gears about the other person because those ticks are what make them them.  To be honest, it's all the annoying things that I miss the most right now.  I mean, I miss all the romantic nuances and habits that made me smile, but it was the irritants that were specific to him, they're the things that he just did - there was no thought behind these things, no rhyme or reason for them.

There was another quote that really wrenched my heart, but I've already forgotten it ... maybe the impact wasn't as extreme as I thought.  Or maybe it's just the effects of the long night we had and my utter exhaustion today.  Or maybe I really am letting go - slowly.

As much as the conversations of last night hit me hard, they really made me just want him as a friend, (at least).  At this point in the game, I'll take anything I can get.  Yes, I terribly miss my lover, but I miss my friend much more.  I think the pain of not having that friendship is worse than knowing my romantic feelings are unrequited.

(Apologies for another depressing entry ... I'm working on it.)

Have You Ever Felt Alone in a Crowded Room?

I don't know if I've ever felt so alone.

I've battled depression in my past, but even that never made me feel this lonely.  This feeling has been dragging me down for over a week now. My job has me constantly surrounded by people I get along with wonderfully, and school is also packed with people, but once my day is over, I'm left with nothing.

The people I work with are all considerably older than me, so it's difficult to up and ask if they'd like to hang out after work or something.  With school, I'm only taking one class as a pre-requisite for my graduate studies. The class is an introductory course and so most of my peers are at least 4 years younger.  Not to mention, class is only twice a week.

This class is also not at the same university I completed my degree at, where all my friends attend. And because my schedule doesn't match up too well with those of my friends, it's exceedingly difficult to coordinate hanging out.

I guess the main reason I'm feeling so alone is that, it's been over 5 months and nothing is getting better. It's not getting worse, which is a good thing I suppose, but it's not getting better. I've thrown myself back into work, school, and studying for my GRE, but it's those moments when I'm driving home, laying in bed at night, eating breakfast in the morning, lying on my couch that get to me the most. My thoughts carry me away down a reminiscing road.

I tell myself to stop, but I can't.

I do feel the need to talk to someone, but all my friends are busy with school, and none of them have really checked in to see how I'm doing. I know I should reach out to them myself, but I can't help but feel like a broken record. I can't help but feel like a complete nuisance. It's been over five months, most of my friends will probably just tell me the same things they've repeated before ... Get over it. Move on. Find someone else. Do something to distract you. He doesn't want you like that anymore.

I just can't though.

It all sounds so easy, and it all sounds so procedural. It's not. I mean, how do you just let go? I've come to terms with the fact that he wants nothing to do with me romantically, (or at all at this moment in time). I also accept that it's over and we obviously were not meant to make it. I just can't let go.

It meant too much.  It still means too much.

I digress. I'm lonely. I miss having someone to text or call all the time, someone who would always respond. I know it's a lot to do with scheduling and availability, but I feel like he got to keep all our friends. If this was a divorce settlement, I got the material things, he retained custody of our friends.

In any case, I should reach out, but I'm sure everyone is tired of hearing me cry and complain. This is tougher than I ever imagined. I used to be one of those judgmental bitches who couldn't understand why people couldn't get over someone. Now I know better. Now I know heartbreak is one of the hardest trials a person ever has to go through.

Apparently heartbreak is also synonymous with loneliness.

I Don't Know How to Be Something You Miss.

This is my life.

Some people, my best friend included, would wonder why it's taken me so long to get to this point.  For me it's a simple answer: I'm still in love.  Despite all the fights, apathy and anger on his part, pain and crying on my part, I still love the guy.  It kills me to see that he's moving on with his life perfectly fine without me, but I'm stuck.  My life is moving and certain parts of me are changing, but those feelings remain the same.  Today I did what I've been holding off on doing for the past 5 months - I deleted all the pictures of the two of us from my Facebook.

As dramatic and stupid as it sounds, I cried as I hit the 'delete' button on each one of those photos.  I'd held off on deleting them for so long because I didn't want to admit it was real.  I didn't want to finally confirm to myself that this is how my life was panning out.  I didn't want to get rid of the last physical (digital?) remnants of the relationship that I'd tried so hard to hold onto.  Deleting those pictures made it real.  Deleting those pictures made me truly realize that our relationship is over, that we'll never be that way again.

Those pictures were the last pieces of evidence to the public eye that I once made him happy.  (Everything else is boxed up and stuffed into a dusty corner somewhere in each of our homes, I'm sure) Those pictures signified how we were once - happy, silly, only having eyes for each other, in love.

Deleting those pictures off public forum felt worse than when I put everything he had ever given me, souvenirs from events we'd gone to together, ticket stubs from movies and shows we'd seen, letters, photos, into a box and hid it from view.  Boxing everything up was a private affair, it was a self-admittance and I managed it after a month.  Deleting photos off of Facebook and twitpic and wherever else I'd posted them on the internet meant having to admit to everyone else that it really is over.  All of our mutual friends already knew, and all of my own friends did too, but seeing and knowing are two different things.  Now it's an actual fact.  Now everyone knows that I've realized it's over too.

It's my first step in letting go, but I never imagined it would hurt this much.

Sad blog post is sad ... but this is my life.

She's a Million Miles Away.

Hello?

Is this thing on?

Ah ... got it.  Now, is anyone out there??

It's been ages since I've last written a proper blog entry, I'll be amazed if anyone still visits this page!

As I'm sure everyone knows, a lot can happen in over a year.

Since the last time I've updated, I found a job I loved, fell more in love with the boy, maintained my good grades, and graduated university.  Of course, life had to balance the books, so the boy fell out of love with me and broke my heart, I didn't get accepted into any universities for my Master's degree, and I lost that job I was so fond of because the foundation got shut down.

Needless to say, it's been a roller coaster ride for the past year, especially with regards to my emotions.  It's funny how life always manages to throw you curve balls.  Unfortunately, I feel like all it's been doing is throwing me curve balls.  Maybe I should come to expect them, but I figure my luck has to turn around sometime, right?

In a previous entry from waaaaaaaaaaay back, I described how I'm a firm believer in "If it's meant to be, it will be." Lately I've had a hard time reconciling myself with that mantra, simply because of all the emotional anguish I've been going through.  That quote just seems so optimistic and unattainable.  However, last night as I was lying in bed, ready to fall asleep, I felt a glimmer of hope while thinking about that quote. I've lost things in the past that I'd really wanted to hold onto, but sometimes they came back to me when I least expected them to.  Obviously those things were meant to be and they'd returned to me after I'd moved on with my life and nearly forgotten.  Maybe this is just life's way of saying there are other things for me right now.  I need to go and figure me out again.  I need to find other things that make me happy and will help me grow.

Anyway ... I know this entry wasn't exactly up to my usual standard of entry, but I'm hoping to get back into this blogging business.  I'd forgotten what a good outlet blogging could be, especially with how my mind reels and races at times.  If you're still reading my blog, thanks for sticking around despite my long hiatus.  If you're new to my blog and stumbled upon it somehow in the past few days - welcome!

Until next,
Adrienne